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Segment 4: Don't Be Possessive

Objectives

Students will:

  1. Understand what it means to be possessive.
  2. Understand why being trusting and unpossessive is attractive to others.
  3. Identify the negative consequences of being possessive with another person.
  4. Identify personal benefits of being trusting and unpossessive with another person.
  5. Model successfully being trusting and
  6. Develop strategies for being less possessive and more trusting of other people.

Step 1: Lesson Introduction

Last time, we found out why being accepting helps make you socially attractive. We learned that if you're too critical, you won't be socially attractive. There are other ways to be socially unattractive to others. One of these ways is by being possessive.

  • Ask students what we mean by being possessive. Ask if anyone owns anything that they don't like to share with anyone else, for example, a toothbrush, a bike, a favorite shirt, or a blouse. Make the point that this is what being possessive means: not wanting to share something. Sometimes we can be as possessive of people as we are of things. Which is pretty silly, isn't it? After all, we can own a toothbrush or a bike, but we can't own another person. But this doesn't stop some people from trying.
  • Ask students to discuss instances when a friend tried to be possessive of them or someone they knew. How did that behavior make them feel about the person? Did it make the person more attractive to them?
  • Tell students that in today's video, we're going to see why it's important not to be possessive if you want to be socially attractive.

▶️ Show the video.

⏸️ Stop the video when the "Pause for Discussion" title appears on the screen.

Step 2: Guided Discussion

What did Meika do that was NotSmart?

She's possessive of her boyfriend, Johnny.

  • She pouts because Johnny talks to his friends from work while she bowls instead of watching her.
  • She interrupts his conversation with Lani and Leah.
  • She suggests to Lani and Leah that they bowl elsewhere, instead of inviting them to join her and Johnny.
  • When Johnny and Lani hug, she walks between them and pulls Johnny away.
  • She accuses Johnny of flirting and being more than "just friends" with Lani and Leah.
  • She tells Johnny she can't trust him because he was "all over them": she warns him, "I've got to keep a better eye on you."
  • No smile
  • Scowling, pouting facial expression
  • Aggressive body language
  • Whiny, angry, accusing tone of voice
  • Piercing eye contact

What happened because Meika was NotSmart?

She makes herself completely unattractive to Johnny.

  • She ruins their date by creating a scene and embarrassing him in front of his friends.
  • Now he knows she doesn't trust him, even though he did nothing to make her mistrust him.
  • She smothers him by insisting that all his attention be on her all the time. She's so possessive that she's unwilling to share his attention with his other friends.
  • She's blown him away, possibly for good. Now she regrets that he's gone, but it may be too late.
  • As pretty as Meika is, as long as she's this possessive and self-centered, her attractiveness to others will never be more than skin deep. Meika's future as someone who is socially attractive looks bleak.

How could Meika have been PeopleSmart?

Have students discuss how Mika could have been PeopleSmart in the same situation. During this discussion, bring out the points in the following section. (There is no PeopleSmart vignette for this video segment.)

What can we learn from this?

  • Remind students of the point made earlier that you can own things, but you can't own people. By being so possessive, Meika is trying to own Johnny. She is trying to control his behavior so much that he can't take his attention off her for a second. He can't even have any other friends. Quite naturally. Johnny feels smothered. She's put him in a prison, and he quite naturally breaks free.
  • When you're as possessive as Meika, you show how insecure you are. And insecurity this extreme is socially unattractive. Even if you're as good-looking as Meika, if you're possessive and insecure, you probably won't have successful relationships.
  • Be secure enough in yourself and in your relationship that you trust someone you're dating to "be good" when they're with other friends, even other friends they may be attracted to. By showing them you trust them, you make yourself more attractive to them. But by showing that you mistrust them, you make yourself unattractive.
  • When you're possessive, your attention is on yourself. But when you encourage someone to have other friendships, you show that your attention is on them. You show that you care about their best interests. You're happy for them because their other friendships make them happy.
  • By putting your attention on them instead of on yourself, you don't get possessive or feel left out or want them all to yourself.
  • By being so mature and caring, you make them respect you and find you attractive.
  • But by being immature and possessive, you blow them away, lose respect for you and find you socially unattractive.
  • Think of any of your relationships as a precious little bird you hold in your hand. If you squeeze that bird too hard, you'll kill it and lose it forever. But if you leave your palm open, you give it the freedom to thrive and grow and even fly away when it wants to. Because you trust that the bird values you as much as you value it, you know it will always return to you. And if it chooses not to return one day, that's OK too, because the bird was a gift, and you never owned it in the first place.

Step 3: Activities

Remind students of the earlier discussion of instances when someone tried to be possessive of them or someone they knew. Have students roleplay:

  • NotSmart, and
  • PeopleSmart behavior in these situations.

Have students roleplay the vignette from the video, then repeat the role play, this time with non-possessive, trusting, PeopleSmart behavior.

Have students brainstorm different situations in which they could either be possessive or not possessive. These situations might include:

  • You're at a dance club with a date and one of your date's other friends wants to dance with him/her.
  • You see someone you're dating talking with his/ her former girlfriend/boyfriend.
  • You're on a double date, and your date and his/her friend's date are spending a lot of time talking about an interest that they share but you don't.
  • Have students roleplay NotSmart and PeopleSmart behaviors in these situations.
  • Have the class provide feedback.

Have students:

  • Keep a journal of how well they avoid being possessive of others.
  • Report their experiences to the class. Have the class assist them in learning from their experiences and developing strategies for being less possessive and more trusting with boyfriends and girlfriends.

Have students form small groups and create and perform rap songs entitled "Don't Cage Me In." Award prizes for each song's performance.

Have students discuss TV or movie scenes where a character was either:

  • unattractive to others by being possessive, or
  • attractive by not being possessive. Have students roleplay these situations.

Have students identify the negative consequences of being possessive and the personal benefits of not being possessive. Then have them create separate wall charts listing these consequences.