Objectives
Students will:
- Understand why it's important not to mistake a community helper's friendliness for friendship
- Understand why it's important to keep relationships with community helpers within boundaries defined by their official duties
- Identify behaviors that are acceptable or unacceptable from a community helper
- Identify the negative consequences of mistaking a community helper's friendliness for friendship
- Identify the personal benefits of not mistaking a community helper's friendliness for friendship
- Identify behaviors that accompany mistaking a community helper's friendliness for friendship
- Identify behaviors that accompany not mistaking a community helper's friendliness for friendship
- Identify different situations in which a community helper might try to get them to do something they don't want to do
- Model successfully asserting themselves with a community helper who tries to get them to do something they don't want to do
- Develop strategies for doing a better job of asserting themselves with community helpers who try to get them to do something they don't want to do
Step 1: Lesson Introduction
Last time, we found out why it's important not to mistake the friendliness of a first date for friendship. We learned that if you think a first date is your friend, you could end up regretting what you do. There are other people besides first dates who can make you mistake friendliness for friendship. These include community helpers.
- Explain to students that community helpers include people who deliver the mail, police and fire personnel, people from the phone company and other utilities, etc.
- Ask students to discuss instances when they mistook a community helper's friendliness for friendship and did something they regretted. How did that make students feel? Was the community helper really their friend?
- Tell students that in today's video, we're going to see why it's important not to mistake the friendliness of a community helper for friendship.
▶️ Show the video.
⏸️ Stop the video when the "Pause for Discussion" title appears on the screen.
Step 2: Guided Discussion, Part 1
What did Amy do that was NotSmart?
- She mistakes Ben's friendliness for friendship. She:
- Leaves the door open so he can come inside.
- Accepts his personal compliment even though it embarrasses her.
- Lets him call her a "good friend!
- Lets him suggest that she has no other trustworthy men in her life.
- Lends him the money he wants.
- Gives him her phone number.
- Lets him kiss and hug her.
- Hesitant, timid voice
- Indecisive body language, squirming uncomfortably
- Weak gestures and posture
- Nervous smile, trying too hard to please
- Eyes lowered in embarrassment
What happened because Amy was NotSmart?
- After Ben leaves, she regrets what she has done. She may never see that money again, which could put her in a bind to pay the rent or buy food.
- Worse, she knows she has cheapened herself by letting Ben become so intimate with her. She'll figure out some way to get along without the money. But how can she regain her self-respect?
- Even if Ben pays back the money and calls her, it won't be because he respects her. He'll probably just think that she'll be a soft touch for some casual sex and other favors. He'll use her until he gets tired of her, then find someone else to use.
How could Amy have been PeopleSmart?
Have students discuss how Amy could have been PeopleSmart in the same situation.
Then tell students to watch the next part of the video to see one way Amy could have been PeopleSmart.
▶️ Start the video again.
⏸️ Stop the video when the "Pause for Discussion" title appears on the screen.
Step 3: Guided Discussion, Part 2
How was Amy PeopleSmart this time?
- She doesn't mistake Ben's friendliness for friendship. She:
- Gently but firmly guides him back outside and closes the door.
- Corrects him when he calls her a friend. ("We're acquaintances...you're my postman.")
- Refuses to lend him money. ("I only lend money to friends.")
- Denies that she can trust him with her personal things just because she can trust him with her mail.
- Self-assured, serious facial expression
- Direct eye contact
- Firm, assertive tone of voice
- Facing him directly
- Upright posture
- Shaking her head firmly and decisively
What happened because Amy was PeopleSmart?
- She still has her money to spend on things she wants and needs.
- She maintains her self-respect by getting Ben to respect her boundaries and by avoiding doing anything she doesn't want to do.
- She gains Ben's respect. He knows the boundaries of his relationship with Amy: he's her postman, she's his customer, and that's it. He won't try to step over the line again. They can still be friendly, but until she chooses otherwise, they'll never be friends.
What can we learn from this?
- Again, a key to dealing with people who are friendly but not your friend is to "draw a line in the sand" on what behavior is acceptable or not acceptable by that person. This line sets a clear limit between what you will let them do with you, and what you will do for them.
- It's the job of community helpers to help us and take care of our best interests. That's what they're paid to do. But that doesn't make them our friends. Friends help us and take care of our best interests without expecting anything in return. If a community helper or anyone else expects something from you just because they're doing their job, don't fall for it—they're not your friend, no matter how friendly they may be.
- Keep your relationships with community helpers within boundaries defined by their official duties. Don't do anything for them that isn't directly related to their job. When a community helper tries to get you to do something you don't want to do, know that you're right in saying no to that person. Show your conviction in what you say and how you say it. By doing this, you may or may not gain the community helper's respect; but much more importantly, you'll maintain your own self-respect.
- Again, when you feel good about yourself and have healthy self-esteem, you won't let a community helper cross the line by mistaking this person's friendliness for friendship. You don't need the phony praise and flattery of a community helper who cares only about using you. You won't mistake this person's friendliness for friendship.
- But if your self-esteem is low, you're hungry for praise. You're vulnerable to any slick come-on. You'll do some things you might regret to please a community helper or anyone else who is friendly to you. So work on boosting your self-esteem, and you won't mistake a community helper's friendliness for friendship.
- If a community helper persists in trying to get you to do something you don't want to do, call their supervisor or call the police.
Step 4: Activities
Invite a community helper to clarify for students the boundary that separates acceptable professional conduct from unacceptable conduct by a community helper.
Have students create wall charts listing verbal and nonverbal behaviors that accompany:
- mistaking a community helper's friendliness for friendship, and
- not mistaking a community helper's friendliness for friendship. Have students roleplay each of these behaviors.
Have students roleplay the NotSmart and PeopleSmart vignettes from the video. After each roleplay, have students discuss how they feel.
Remind students of the earlier discussion of instances when they mistook a community helper's friendliness for friendship and did something they regretted. Have students roleplay:
- NotSmart behavior, and
- PeopleSmart behavior in these situations.
Have students brainstorm different situations in which a community helper might try to get them to do something they don't want to do. These might include letting them into your home for some suspicious reason, asking you to do them some favor not related to their job, asking you for personal information, etc.
- Have students pair off and take turns roleplaying these situations in front of the class.
- Have students practice asserting themselves and saying no to the community helper.
- Have the class provide feedback.
Have students create a "Line in the Sand" wall chart identifying:
- Behaviors that are acceptable or unacceptable from a community helper.
- Things they will or will not do when dealing with a community helper.
Based on this chart, have students:
- Create small sheets or cards summarizing these do's and don't for dealing successfully with a community helper who acts friendly but is not a friend.
- Take these home and post them in their room.
Have students form small groups and create and perform rap songs entitled "Don't Cross My Line." Award prizes for each song's performance.
Have students:
- Keep a journal of how well they resist the efforts of community helpers to get them to do something they don't want to do.
- Report their experiences to the class. Have the class assist them in learning from their experiences and developing strategies for doing a better job of asserting themselves with community helpers who try to get them to do something they don't want to do.
Have students identify the negative consequences of mistaking a community helper's friendliness for friendship and the personal benefits of not mistaking a community helper's friendliness for friendship. Then have them create separate wall charts listing these consequences.