Objectives
Students will:
- Understand why it's important not to mistake a first date's friendliness for friendship.
- Understand why it's important to keep a first date's behavior within clear boundaries.
- Identify behaviors that are acceptable or unacceptable from a first date.
- Identify the negative consequences of mistaking a first date's friendliness for friendship.
- Identify the personal benefits of not mistaking a first date's friendliness for friendship.
- Identify behaviors that accompany mistaking a first date's friendliness for friendship.
- Identify behaviors that accompany not mistaking a first date's friendliness for friendship.
- Identify different situations in which a first date might try to get them to do something they don't want to do
- Model successfully asserting themselves with a first date who tries to get them to do something they don't want to do.
- Develop strategies for doing a better job of asserting themselves with first dates who try to get them to do something they don't want to do.
Step 1: Lesson Introduction
Last time, we found out why it's important not to mistake the friendliness of a favor giver for friendship. We learned that if you think a favor giver is your friend, you could end up regretting what you do. There are other people besides favor givers who can make you mistake friendliness for friendship. These include people you're out with on a first date.
- Ask students to discuss instances when they've had a date with someone they really didn't know very well. Just by going out once with someone, does that mean this person is your friend?
- Ask students to discuss instances when they mistook a first date's friendliness for friendship and did something they regretted. How did that make students feel? Was the first date really their friend?
- Tell students that in today's video, we're going to see why it's important not to mistake the friendliness of a first date for friendship.
▶️ Show the video.
⏸️ Stop the video when the "Pause for Discussion" title appears on the screen.
Step 2: Guided Discussion, Part 1
What did Geneva do that was NotSmart?
Give her credit. She confronts Wayne when he touches a private part of her body. But then she mistakes his friendliness for friendship and caves in when he continues his physical advances.
- She lets him make her feel guilty for giving up his NBA tickets to spend time with her. That is, she lets him convince her that she "owes" him something because he made such a sacrifice for her.
- She also lets him feel that she owes him something by being so passive throughout the whole date. She lets him buy the zoo tickets, buys her a teddy bear, pays for lunch, and leads her around like a puppet all day. She gushes like a little girl at all of his brilliant knowledge about animals. By being so malleable and deferential all day, she makes him feel he can do with her as he pleases when it's time for him to collect his "debt."
- Nervous giggling
- Hesitant, timid tone of voice
- Weak gestures
- Indecisive body language
- Avoiding eye contact
- Hanging head in embarrassment
What happened because Geneva was NotSmart?
- Her sad, uncomfortable facial expression as she hugs Wayne says it all being physical with him is obviously something she doesn't want to do, at least not on a first date.
- Geneva realizes she has cheapened herself by letting Wayne become so intimate with her on their first date. She hates herself for being so weak. Her self-respect has taken a big blow.
- Wayne doesn't respect her or care about her best interests; he has just been using her. He has been playing a game of sexual conquest with her. By getting this physical in a public place on their first date in broad daylight no less - he figures it'll be a snap to complete his conquest that evening when they're someplace private. After all, if she hasn't been able to say no to him all day, how will she fend him off later? As soon as Wayne accomplishes his mission, he'll dump Geneva and go pursue a new conquest.
- When Wayne tells everyone how easy a conquest Geneva was, her reputation will be ruined. No one she really likes will ever want to date her.
How could Geneva have been PeopleSmart?
Have students discuss how Geneva could have been PeopleSmart in the same situation. Then tell students to watch the next part of the video to see one way Geneva could have been PeopleSmart.
▶️ Start the video again.
⏸️ Stop the video when the "Pause for Discussion" title appears on the screen.
Step 3: Guided Discussion, Part 2
How was Geneva PeopleSmart this time?
She doesn't mistake Wayne's friendliness for friendship. When Wayne touches her in an unacceptable way, Geneva responds immediately and emphatically.
- Pushing him away firmly
- Confrontational posture
- Serious, no-nonsense facial expression
- Pulling away
- Closed body language (crossed arms)
- Intense, angry, direct eye contact
- Facing him directly
- Firm, assertive, "I mean business" tone of voice
She correctly states that she and Wayne are friendly but not friends. When he persists in trying to grab and touch her, she realizes he "just doesn't get it" and walks away assertively.
What happened because Geneva was PeopleSmart?
- She has maintained her self-respect by:
- Communicating her boundaries to Wayne very clearly.
- Firmly refusing to let him cross these boundaries by touching her in a way she doesn't want to be touched.
- By being so assertive with Wayne, Geneva shows that she doesn't need a boy's physical affection to feel good about herself. She'll continue to like and respect herself, whether or not there's a special guy in her life.
- Geneva has earned Wayne's respect. She'll probably never want to go out with him again. But her reputation is safe. And who knows? If Wayne tells his buddies about his date with her, maybe "Mr. Right" will hear about it and decide that Geneva is just the kind of girl he's looking for - someone who respects herself and insists that her dates do too.
What can we learn from this?
- With a first date. it's especially important to "draw a line in the sand" on what behavior is acceptable or not acceptable by them. This line sets a clear limit between what you will let them do with you, and what you will do for them. It's one thing to mistake someone's friendliness for friendship and end up losing some money or a boom box. Material possessions can be replaced. But you lose much more if you mistake a first date's friendliness for friendship and let this person violate your boundaries. You shatter your self-respect on a very deep level.
- When you go on a first date, know in advance exactly what your "line in the sand" is. Then stick to it, no matter how much you like the person or how strongly this person pressures you.
- You don't "owe” anything to any date. Your company is your date's reward for being with you. If you want to feel less obligated to date, offer to "go Dutch" and look for other ways to make the date a shared event rather than something where one person is completely in charge of everything.
- When someone you're on a date with tries to get you to do something you don't want to do, know that you're right in saying no to that person. Show your conviction in what you say and how you say it. Say no in a way that shows you mean business. By doing this, you may or may not gain your date's respect; but much more importantly, you'll maintain your own self-respect.
- Remember: If someone you're dating really likes and respects you - if they really want to have a relationship and become friends with you on a deep level - they won't try to take advantage of you or pressure you to do something you're not willing or ready to do.
- If someone you're dating persists in trying to get you to do something you don't want to do, get away and, if necessary, call the police.
Step 4: Activities
Invite a counselor or an expert on assertiveness training to share with students how to avoid doing anything on a date that they don't want to do.
Have students create wall charts listing verbal and nonverbal behaviors that accompany
- mistaking a first date's friendliness for friendship, and
- not mistaking a first date's friendliness for friendship. Have students roleplay each of these behaviors.
Have students roleplay the NotSmart and PeopleSmart vignettes from the video. After each roleplay, have students discuss how they feel.
Remind students of the earlier discussion of instances when they mistook a first date's friendliness for friendship and did something they regretted. Have students roleplay PeopleSmart behavior in these situations.
Have students brainstorm different situations in which a first date might try to get them to do something they don't want to do. These might include having sex, using alcohol or other drugs, getting in a car with someone who has been drinking or using other drugs, etc.
- Have students pair off and take turns roleplaying these situations in front of the class.
- Have students practice asserting themselves and saying no.
- Have the class provide feedback.
Have students create a "Line in the Sand" wall chart identifying:
- Behaviors that are acceptable or unacceptable from a first date.
- Things they will do with a first date.
- Things they will not do with a first date.
Based on this chart, have students:
- Create small sheets or cards summarizing these do's and don't for dealing successfully with a first date who acts friendly but is not a friend.
- Take these home and post them in their room.
Have students:
- Discuss TV shows or movies in which someone did something on a date which they later regretted.
- Roleplay these situations.
- Repeat the role plays, this time demonstrating PeopleSmart behavior.
Have students form small groups and create and perform rap songs entitled "Hands Off!" Award prizes for each song's performance.
Have students:
- Keep a journal of how well they assert themselves with first dates who try to get them to do something they don't want to do.
- Report their experiences to the class. Have the class assist them in learning from their experiences and developing strategies for doing a better job of asserting themselves with first dates who try to get them to do something they don't want to do.
Have students identify the negative consequences of mistaking a first date's friendliness for friendship and the personal benefits of not mistaking a first date's friendliness for friendship.
Then have them create separate wall charts listing these consequences.