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Self Anger: The COOL Response

The COOL (Assertive) Response to Self-Anger

Assertive responses include:

Looking COOL

Detached, non-threatening demeanor

  1. Calming down by:
    • Taking time to gain composure, i.e., pausing to turn, lo and/or step away
    • Taking deep breaths, and by performing other "settling) behaviors (stretching, running hands through hair, etc.)
  2. Assuming a non-aggressive but confident facial expression (no smiling)
  3. Maintaining good eye contact when talking and listening

Thinking COOL

"Non-blaming Perceiving Style" with statements such as:

  1. "What’s the problem?”
  2. "I’m going to stay calm and listen to the angry person.
  3. My angry feelings are okay, now I need to BeCool to handle them
  4. “I’ll deal calmly with what's bugging me so it can be cleared up."
  5. Do I need to take a break and cool off first"
(See “
(See “Appendix” for full page version of icons for use in the classroom.)

Acting COOL

Behavior that asserts rights with respect and fairness. Use the 4-Step Assertion Plan to cope with a difficult person in a difficult situation:

Step 1: Tell the person what you don't like.

Step 2: Tell how you feel.

Step 3: Tell what you want.

Step 4: If you don't get into agreement, tell what will happen if you can't work things out.

OR

“Check It Out"

Things may not always be how they appear to be. Instead of jumping to Conclusions over a possible misunderstanding, "check it out" to see if you have accurately assessed the situation. Many times, after "checking it out," you may discover that your anger was actually unwarranted.

Benefits of the COOL (Assertive) Response

Benefits of Cool responses in dealing with one's own anger include relieving frustration, reducing anger in others, feeling good about self, solving interpersonal disagreements, and protecting yourself from emotional and physical injury.

Additional Notes

Relearning a new skill: Let the students know they may not always BeCool when they are first learning how to deal with difficult people- their voices may shake, or they may forget what to do. People fall down when they are first learning to ride a bicycle or to roller skate, they keep trying until it becomes easy. Keep trying BeCool responses; they will become easy and feel natural The more activities you engage your students in (such as roleplay, small group discussion, and skit production), the more opportunities they have to practice the BeCool response and the greater the chance they will use it in their daily interactions.

Empowerment: Learning to BeCool empowers (gives the power to) the students to take charge of their own responses, behaviors and habits Most people do not realize they have a choice, that they can choose a response to a difficult situation, rather than reacting.

Long-term vs. short-term payoff: People often have either HOT (aggressive, angry) or COLD (passive, withdrawing) reactions without thinking of the long-term effects. During the guided discussion, point Out to students that even though reacting HOT or COLD may feel good at the moment, in the long-term, it will not help them get what they really want in their lives, i.e., intimacy, high self-regard, friendships, job stability, etc.

Everyday application: You will find many opportunities during the day to use the BeCool process. For instance, when there is a conflict, you might ask, "Is that a HOT or COLD or COOL response?" "What is a cool response you could have to this situation?" In classroom discussions of a variety of topics (current events, literature, etc.), students can point out people who used these responses and the consequences.