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Self Anger: Anger Reaction Summary

Looking COLD

Victim-like demeanor

  1. Head down, no eye contact with bully
  2. Body bent over.
  3. Sad or blank facial expression.
  4. Timid body movements.

Thinking COLD

Self-blaming Perceiving Style:

  1. "It's my fault, I’m not a good person I can’t do anything right”
  2. “I deserve to be treated this way”
  3. “There's nothing I can do about it."
  4. “If I speak up, he’ll get hurt"
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Acting COLD

Behavior that gives up, runs away. withdraws, becomes depressed:

  1. Do or say nothing.
  2. Mutter or speak with low voice volume.
  3. Cry
  4. Meckel did something wrong" victim attitude.
  5. Avoid the angry person.

Looking HOT

Threatening Demeanor:

  1. Head up.
  2. Glaring stare, too much eye contact
  3. Tense posture, clenched fists, tight muscles
  4. Angry, challenging facial expressions.

Thinking HOT

Oher-blaming Perceiving Style

  1. “It's all their fault"
  2. “If I’m calm, they won’t listen to me."
  3. “If I don’t get mad and fight back, they’ll get what they want"
  4. "Others will think I'm a sissy if I don’t fight back
  5. “Go ahead make my day. I’ll get even”.
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Acting HOT

Behavior that lacks, belittles, subjects, controls or defeats

  1. Arguing denying or not listening
  2. Speaking with elevated voice volume, yelling.
  3. Speaking with hostile voice tone.
  4. Making derogatory or threatening statements, swearing.
  5. Hitting, throwing, or breaking things.

Looking COOL

Nonthreatening Demeanor

  1. Take time to gain composure. Pause, turn, look away
  2. Take deep breaths, do settling behaviors (Stretching etc.)
  3. Nonaggressive, confident expression. Stand or sit up straight.
  4. Good eye contact when speaking

Thinking COOL

"Non-blaming Perceiving Style' with statements like:

  1. "What’s the problem?”
  2. "I’m going to stay calm and listen to the other person.”
  3. “Angry feelings are okay, just BeCool to handle them.”
  4. “I’ll deal calmly with what’s bugging me so it can be cleared up.”
  5. Do I need to take a break and cool off first?”
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Acting COOL:

Use the 4-Step Assertion Plan:

  • Tell what you don’t like
  • Tell how you feel
  • Tell what you want
  • If you don’t get agreement, tell what will happen if you can’t work things out.

    • OR

If you’re angry and may be misunderstanding a situation:

  • Check it out

If your Anger is Dangerous:

  • Leave and Get Help from someone you can trust.