📹

Lesson 1: Video Viewing & Guided Discussion

▶️ Start Anger/Self, Part 1. "Broken Agreements: 4-Step Assertion Plan"

⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the COLD Response.

The COLD Response

🧑‍🏫
Teacher Note: It may be helpful to refer to the Anger Reaction Summary here when discussing the COLD, HOT, and COOL reactions. You may also want to distribute copies of this page to students to facilitate this discussion.

Let's check out Nikki's COLD reaction. How did she LOOK COLD?

Lowered eyes. slumped shoulders. Body bent over. Forlornly resting her head on her hand. Sad facial expression.

How did she THINK COLD?

She felt like a weak, pathetic victim and blamed herself for her anger. She took being stood up personally, believing that she deserved to be ignored because she's a worthless person in all respects who no one would want to keep an appointment with. She generalized from specific mistake Faith made by assuming that she's a complete loser as a human being.

image

How did she ACT COLD?

Subdued meek, timid, flat tone of voice. Hesitant speech pattern. She passively waited for Faith to call her instead of taking the initiative and calling. When Faith ignored Nikki's weak attempt to confront her, she suffered in silence and stuffed her hurt feelings instead of expressing them When Faith suggested they go shopping this weekend, she caved in meekly.

Did Faith do or say anything that caused Nikki's cold reaction?

Faith not only stood Nikki up, but then she was nonresponsive when Nikki tried to confront her on the phone. Then Faith cut her off and hung up without even saying goodbye. Faith was so completely wrapped up in her own happiness that she treated Nikki like a non-person and was completely oblivious to her feelings. So, Nikki had some justification for feeling worthless and reluctant to assert herself with Faith. But even though her COLD reaction may have been somewhat justified and given her some immediate relief, it worked against her in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).

Did Nikki lose control of her feelings? How did her lack of control work against her?

Nikki lost control of her feelings by letting her depressed sense of worthlessness overwhelm and paralyze her. Because she felt so weak and impotent, she convinced herself that there was nothing she could do about the situation. If she spoke up, she concluded that it wouldn't do any good. By losing control of her feelings, Nikki lost control of the situation. She had no power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.

Did Nikki's COLD reaction work? Why not?

Nikki looked, thought and acted like a weak, pathetic victim. Her lack of self-respect was so extreme that she was willing to put up with a friend's abusive treatment and come back for more. By stuffing her feelings. she achieved no resolution of the situation. She ended up feeling sadder and angrier, more full of contempt for herself because of her inability to confront Faith. Meanwhile, Faith is even more likely to continue her abusive treatment since Nikki has essentially reinforced it by going along with it here and on previous occasions, Nikki's COLD reaction compounded her initial anger and made a bad situation worse.

Nikki admits that her COLD reaction may have actually been an attempt to manipulate Faith by making her feel guilty. Perhaps a COLD reaction has worked for her before, so she thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Nikki may have thought that out of guilt and pity Faith would want to make it up to her and be a better friend. But friends rarely respond positively to people who demonstrate a complete lack of self-esteem. Guilt and pity make a weak foundation for true friendship. Also, people resent attempts to manipulate them, which is why manipulation often backfires.

Nikki's COLD reaction may have also been a misguided attempt to maintain harmony and avoid conflict with her friend at any cost, Discuss with students how harmony is phony if it comes at the expense of stuffed feelings. Note also that stuffed feelings have a way of exploding sooner or later, often with much more destructive consequences than if they had been expressed at the time. Point out that conflict in a relationship can actually be a positive force if it is handled maturely and collaboratively, as students have seen in numerous lessons.

Optional

Teaching the symbol for COLD

Discuss the use of "blue ice" as a symbol! of acting COLD. The person who is COLD is withdrawn, depressed, hard to talk to, and not interested in Working things out. The person "chills" interaction and "freezes" any opportunity for problem-solving. One way to remember what a Cold response is like, is to remember the color of "blue ice." Click here for more information about the BeCool Teaching lcons.

image

COLD Review

Instead of figuring out a way to talk to Faith, Nikki's COLD reaction was to stuff her feelings and withdraw. It’ll be harder on their friendship since Nikki never resolved her angry feelings towards Faith. Let's see what happens when Nikki uses a HOT reaction.

▶️ Resume playing the video through to the HOT Response.

⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the HOT Response.

The HOT Response

Let's check out Nikki's FHOT reaction. How did she LOOK HOT?

Tense, confrontational posture. Leaning forward aggressively. Angry facial expression. Glaring, intense eyes. Eyes narrowed to angry slits.

How did she THINK HOT?

She justifiably blamed Faith for her anger. But she generalized from this specific behavior of Faith to see it as a personal put-down and a valid reason to put Faith down in retaliation. By taking the situation personally, she felt justified in attacking Faith with mean, personal comments and accusations.

How did she ACT HOT?

She spoke in a shrill, accusatory, demanding, contemptuous tone of voice. She grabbed the phone violently and dialed it angrily. She raised the volume and the pitch of her voice. She provoked Faith by making below-the-belt personal comments, in essence calling her a promiscuous tramp and rubbing her nose in her physical disability as well. She told Faith that she hated her. She slammed the phone down, then took out her anger and frustration on their stuffed animal.

image

Did Faith do or say anything that caused Nikki's HOT reaction?

Faith not only stood Nikki up this time, but she had done this on previous occasions as well. So, Nikki's anger had been building for some time until it finally reached the boiling point. To provoke Nikki further, she felt envious seeing Faith with a guy, which made her feel even worse for not having a date for the big dance. So, Nikki had some justification for feeling personally rejected and reacting so strongly. But even though her overreaction may have been somewhat justified and given her some immediate satisfaction, it worked against her in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).

Was Nikki in control of her feelings? If not, how did her lack of control work against her?

Nikki let her hurt feelings about being stood up escalate into anger. Then she indulged her anger by losing her temper, which made her say hurtful things to Faith that she didn't mean. By losing control of her feelings, her judgment became clouded. As a result, she lost control of the situation; she had no power to guide it to a productive outcome.

Did Nikki's Hot Reaction work? Why not?

Nikki's HOT reaction made the situation worse, as it almost always does. Sure, she succeeded in telling Faith how she felt, and she may have gotten some temporary relief for venting her anger. But by attacking Faith personally, Nikki may have ruined their friendship. which was probably not the consequence Nikki wanted. And by provoking Faith into retaliating, Nikki ended up more painfully aware than before of how bad she feels for not having a boyfriend or a date for the dance. Nikki boxed Faith into a corner where she felt she had no choice but to retaliate. By blowing up, Nikki turned a situation she could handle into one where she ended up feeling guilty, unhappy and friendless. Even her favorite stuffed animal has had his head ripped off and thus is unable to comfort her.

Perhaps a HOT reaction has worked for her before, so she thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Nikki may have thought that her HOT reaction would blast Faith out of her own self-centered bliss and force her to listen and to take some responsibility for the pain she caused Nikki. But once temper is unleashed, it is difficult to control and can escalate into an extremely volatile situation just as it did for Nikki. This is especially true when the HOT reaction takes the form of below-the-belt strikes as it did here.

Optional

Teaching the symbol for HOT

Discuss the use of "red fire" as a symbol of an acting HOT. The person who is HOT, is angry, out of control, hurtful and not interested in working things out. The fiery HOT response "inflames" interaction When people are HOT, they tend to "act out and their behavior is explosive and destructive. One way to remember what a HOT responses like is to remember "red fire" and "explosions." When you react with anger, it doesn't fix your problem. You are so busy being mad, you can't think about how to make the situation better.

image

HOT Review

Nikki lost control when let her anger take over. She may have felt justified in screaming at Faith, but now the consequence of her Hot reaction is a friendship in jeopardy.

▶️ Resume playing the video through the COL Response and to Start the end.

The COOL Response

Now let's check out Nikki's COOL reaction. How did she LOOK COOL?

First, she takes some deep breaths to calm herself down. When she talks to Faith, her facial expression is serious and sincere. Her posture is relaxed. Her eyes are open and clear.

How did she THINK COOL?

Instead of fixing blame, either on herself or on Faith, she focuses on fixing the problem. She uses positive self-talk and resolves to BeCool while she figures out what to do. She begins by objectively assessing what's going on. By seeing the situation rationally, Nikki does NOT take it personally. Then she calmly thinks through the consequences of reacting in a COLD or HOT way. She realizes that these courses of action will not solve the problem. She decides that her best approach is to express her feelings using the BeCool 4-Step Assertion Plan as before emphasizing to students that the BeCool approach is all about being aware of our choices-not only how we look and act, but how we think Make sure students understand that how we think is a choice we make and that this choice directly influences how we look and act, how we interact with others, and how others interact with us.

image

To get the outcomes we want with others, especially with difficult people, it's vital that we think cool to make sure that our appearance and actions are cool as well. Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before taking action will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives

How did she ACT COOL?

First, she decided to wait until Faith was by herself before she expressed her feelings of anger and disappointment. It's always important to choose a time when someone is alone, not distracted and can really listen. She calmly calls Faith and speaks in a firm, calm, Serious, facial, assertive voice. When Faith initially fails to listen, then tells her to lighten up, Nikki keeps COOL and remains in control. She stays focused on her goal and uses the 4-Step Assertion Plan in working through the problem with Faith:

  1. Tell what behavior you don't like.
  2. Nikki tells Faith that she didn't like her breaking their agreement to be with someone else.

  3. Tell how the behavior makes you feel.
  4. Nikki tells Paith that she feels hurt and really mad that she was stood up.

  5. Tell what behavior you want instead.
  6. Nikki tells Faith that if they make plans in the future, Faith should stick to them or at least leave a note telling her where she is.

  7. If you don't get to an agreement, tell what will happen if you can't work things out.
  8. Faith has shown signs of listening and understanding. But she still hasn't apologized or offered to change her behavior in the way that Nikki wants. As a result, Nikki has to spell out what will happen if Faith doesn’t change; that is, Nikki will have to conclude that their friendship doesn't mean very much to Faith and therefore she won't want to be Faith's friend anymore.

Emphasize to students that the first goal always is to try to get an agreement. Issuing an ultimatum can make the other person defensive and can escalate the situation or create a stalemate. This is why it should be done only as a last resort But an ultimatum shouldn't be avoided if it is necessary With some people, even close friends, it is the only way to make them see that you mean business and that you are willing to do what it takes to stop the unwanted behavior, even ii that means terminating the friendship.

Did Nikki's Cool reaction work? Why?

By calmly thinking through her options, Nikki knows she's selected the best course of action. This all-important confidence boosts her chances for pulling off a successful resolution. By staying COOL, Nikki can say What she wants to say in a way that gets through to Faith and makes her listen. Through her calm, assertive approach, she shows that she sincerely cares about their friendship without turning Faith off by coming across as desperate or needy. Nikki keeps her self-respect intact and earns Faith's respect as well. As a result, Nikki gets what she wants apology from Faith and a promise not to be stood up again. By collaboratively working through the problem together, the girls resolve their conflict and strengthen their relationship. Nikki feels happy, relieved and good about herself because of the mature way she handled a potentially volatile situation.

What should Nikki do if the cool reaction didn't work?

Give students an opportunity to discuss whether they think Nikki's cool reaction resolved the situation in a way that was unrealistic, too pat, or too simplistic. Have them discuss instances when they've expressed their anger in a cool way, but even the right reaction didn't work. Identify some of the options that Nikki would have if this happened to her.

  • For instance, she could try giving Faith more time to come down a little from her euphoria regarding Ric.
  • Or, she might try confronting Faith in person so that Faith can see how seriously she has hurt her friend.
  • But if Faith refuses to apologize or to show that she cares about Nikki's feelings, then Nikki may have to conclude that she is not really a true friend.

Emphasize to students that true friends don't want to keep doing things that make you unhappy. If they refuse to stop hurtful or unfair behavior, then the friendship may not be worth keeping. These people may have personal problems and act the same way as most people. They should be avoided, if possible, Students should realize that the self-centered or unfair behavior of these people should not be taken personally. If their hurtful behavior becomes a serious ongoing problem, students should go to an authority figure for help.

Bring out the that the cool reaction may not always work. But invariably it has a better chance of working than a cold or a hot reaction does. Emphasize also that none of us needs to put up with persistent or abusive behavior or an abusive relationship, with a classmate, an authority figure, a parent, or anyone in the community. We all have choices and resources available to help us in dealing with situations that are abusive or potentially abusive. Finally, emphasize again that a cool reaction is always self-rewarding, regardless of how a specific situation resolves itself. That is, it's always satisfying to maintain control of your feelings, to assert yourself calmly and reasonably instead of caving in or blowing up or allowing yourself to be victimized. When we look, think and act in a way that maintains our dignity and self-respect, no one can take this reward of enhanced self-esteem away from us.

Optional

Teaching the symbols for COOL

Discuss the use of "neutral color," "clouds," and "sunglasses" as symbols your students can use to remind themselves of a "cool state of consciousness" and to act COOL. The person who is COOL is calm, reflective, approachable and interested in working things Out. The COOL response brings calmness to potentially stormy interactions. As "neutrality in color,"| "clouds," and "sunglasses" are associated with calm and control, so the COOL response has the effect of promoting accord and trust in human relationships.

image
image

Summary - Use the 4Step Plan to handle Broken Agreements

When you are feeling anger at someone for breaking their promise, the best thing to do is to talk with that person and tell them how you feel. By using the 4-Step Assertion Plan, Nikki resolves her own angry feelings and strengthens her friendship with Faith.