▶️ Start the video. Anger/Other, Part 2-"Take A Break/Talk It Over"
⏸️ Stop video at the pause for discussion of the COLD Response.
The COLD Response
Let's check out Chloe's COLD reaction. How did she LOOK COLD?
Lowered eyes. Slumped shoulders. Totally deflated posture. Sad, pleading eyes and facial expression. Covering her eyes with her hand out of shame. Repeated hand movements across her hair almost as if she wanted to tear out her hair. Pleading gestures
How did she THINK COLD?
She felt like a weak, pathetic victim and blamed herself for Lisa's anger. She took Lisa's anger personally, feeling that she deserved to be rejected and treated like dirt because she's a worthless person in all respects who no one would want for a friend She generalized from a specific mistake she made by assuming that she's hopelessly stupid and a complete loser as a human being
How did she ACT COLD?
Subdued, whining, pleading tone of voice. Urgent, insistent, desperate speech pattern. She begged Lisa to forgive her. When this didn't work, she tried bribing her with clothes in an attempt to buy back her friendship.
Did Lisa do or say anything that caused Chloe’s COLD reaction?
Lisa told Chloe a secret that she didn't tell their two other friends. This made Chloe feel special and privileged, but it also put added pressure on her to be trusted with such an important secret. Therefore, when she blurted out the secret, she felt especially guilty. Now Teri and Marissa realized that Lisa trusted Chloe more than she did then. So, Chloe had some justification for feeling that she had screwed up big time and that her mistake might destroy her friendship with Lisa. It's understandable, therefore, that Chloe would be heaping such heavy blame on herself and eel so desperate to do anything to salvage the friendship. But even though her COLD reaction may have been somewhat justified and given her some immediate relief, it worked against her in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Did Chloe lose control of her feelings? How did her lack of control work against her?
Chloe lost control of her feelings by letting her guilt and shame make her so desperate and urgent to win Lisa's forgiveness at any cost. Her self-revulsion was so overwhelming that she seemed to take a masochistic pleasure in wallowing in it. She was so self-centered that she couldn't focus on solving the problem or see that Lisa just wasn't ready to think about forgiving her yet. By losing control of her feelings, Chloe lost control of the situation. She had no power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Chloe's COLD reaction work? Why not?
Chloe looked, thought and acted like a pathetic, needy, clinging victim. Chloe's obvious lack of self-respect made her disgusting and repulsive to Lisa. In this way, Chloe's COLD reaction compounded her initial mistake and made a bad situation worse. Now, in addition to being mad at Chloe, Lisa has lost respect for her. Worse, Chloe's desperate performance has severely damaged her respect for herself. Instead of defusing Lisa's anger, Chloe's COLD reaction only made Lisa angrier and left Chloe full of self-hate and self-contempt.
Chloe's COLD reaction may have actually been an attempt to manipulate Lisa. Perhaps a COLD reaction has worked for her before, so she thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Chloe may have been trying to get Lisa to feel sorry for her thinking that Lisa would forgive her out of pity or sympathy. But friends are rarely drawn to people who demonstrate a complete lack of self-esteem, and clinging only drives people away. Pity is a weak substitute for true friendship. Also, people resent attempts to manipulate them, which is why manipulation often backfires.
COLD Review
Instead of figuring out a way to talk to Lisa and find a solution to the problem, Chloe thought that whining and begging would soften Lisa's anger. It only backfired since Lisa became more angry. Let's see what happens when Chloe tries a HOT reaction.
▶️ Start playing the video through the HOT Response.
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the HOT Response.
The HOT Response
Let's check out Chloe’s HOT reaction. How did she LOOK HOT?
Aggressive, tense, confrontational posture. Leaning forward. Angry, challenging facial expression. Glaring, intense eye contact.
How did she THINK HOT?
She blamed Lisa for making such a big deal out of her mistake. She decided that going on the attack would be the best way to shift the attention from her mistake and to punish Lisa for treating her like dirt. Chloe took Lisa's anger personally by seeing it as a personal put-down and a valid reason to put Lisa down as retaliation.
How did she ACT HOT?
She spoke in a harsh, mocking, contemptuous tone of voice. She raised the volume and the pitch of her voice. She provoked Lisa by rubbing her face in the painful reality of her parents' divorce. She provoked Lisa further by accusing her of not having the guts to face this fact.
Did Lisa do or say anything that caused Chloe's HOT reaction?
Lisa overreacted to Chloe's mistake by treating her so contemptuously and telling her that their friendship was finished. So, Chloe had some justification for feeling personally attacked and reacting so strongly. But even though her overreaction may have been somewhat justified and given her some immediate satisfaction, it worked against her in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Was Chloe in control of her feelings?
If not, how did her lack of control work against her?
Chloe let her defensiveness about her mistake become anger, then she lost control of her anger, which made her say hurtful things to Lisa that she didn't mean. By losing control of her feelings, her judgment became clouded. As a result, she lost control of the situation; she had no power to guide it to a productive outcome.
Did Chloe’s HOT reaction work? Why not?
As Chloe said, her HOT reaction made the situation worse, as it almost always does. Sure, she succeeded in telling Lisa how she felt, and she may have gotten some temporary relief by venting her anger. But by attacking Lisa personally, Chloe severely damaged any possibility of salvaging their friendship. And by provoking Lisa into retaliating by Revealing Chloe's secret to Katie, Chloe now stands to lose Katie's friendship too. Chloe boxed Lisa into a corner where she felt she had no choice but to retaliate. By blowing up, Chloe turned a situation she could handle into one where the full extent of the negative fallout is still unknown. And if Lisa was carrying a knife, gun, or some other weapon, Chloe's HOT reaction may have put her in a life-threatening situation
Perhaps a HOT reaction has worked for her before, so she thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Chloe may have thought that her HOT reaction would blast Lisa out of her own self-centered funk and wake her up to how much she needs Chloe's friendship to help her through her family crisis. But once temper is unleashed, it is difficult to control and can escalate into an extremely volatile situation just as it did for Chloe. This is especially true when the HOT reaction takes the form of below-the-belt strikes as it did here.
HOT Review
Instead of letting Lisa cool down, Chloe became angry and offensive. This made Lisa even more angry. Now there'll be more trouble with another friend. Let's see what happens when Chloe stays Cool.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the Cool Response and to the end.
The COOL Response
Now let's check out Chloe’s COOL reaction How did she LOOK cool?
First, she feels herself getting upset, so she takes a moment to calm down, take some deep breaths and relax her body. She looks away 1o help her detach from the situation. When she talks to Lisa, her facial expression is sincere and caring. She maintains steady, direct eye contact and stands upright. The next day, her posture is more casual and relaxed as she leans against her locker. Her face is apologetic.
How did she THINK COOL?
Instead of fixing blame, either on herself or on Lisa, she focuses on fixing the problem. She uses positive self-talk and resolves to BeCool while she figures out what to do. She begins by objectively reviewing the situation and concluding that Lisa's anger is justified. By seeing the situation rationally, Chloe does NOT 1ake it personally. Then she calmly thinks through the consequences of reacting in a COLD or HOT way She realizes that these courses of action will not solve the problem. She decides that her best approach is to BeCool by apologizing, but waiting until Lisa cools off enough to talk over what happened ("Taking a Break.")
As before, emphasize to students that the BeCool approach is all about being aware of our choices--not only how we look and act, but how we think. Make sure students understand that how we think is a choice we make, and that this choice directly influences how we look and act, how we interact with others, and how others interact with us. To get the outcomes we want with others, especially with difficult people, it's vital that we think cool to make sure that our appearance and actions are cool as well. Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before taking action will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives.
How did she ACT COOL?
In a calm, accepting tone of voice, acknowledges Lisa's anger and her refusal to listen. Then, if a sincere tone of voice, she expresses her desire to work things out by talking tomorrow ("Take A Break.") She doesn't let Lisa's vague non-response bother her. The next day she "talks it Over with Lisa, sincerely apologizes for her mistake and asks to be forgiven.
Did Chloe maintain control of her feelings? How did her control work in her favor?
By keeping her mind clear, Chloe maintains control of her feelings. By staying in control of her feelings, she stays in control of the situation. She can see objectively that Lisa's anger is fair and that the COOL thing to do is to apologize for her mistake. By putting herself in Lisa's shoes, she realizes that she would be angry in the same situation. This helps her see that Lisa's anger is nothing to be taken personally. By staying in control of her feelings, Chloe can also recognize that Lisa is too angry to listen now and that it makes sense to "take a break" and let things coo down. By avoiding taking Lisa's anger personally and reacting emotionally to it, Chloe has the power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Chloe's COOL reaction work? Why?
By calmly thinking through her options, Chloe knows she's selected the best course of action. This all-important confidence boosts her chances of pulling off a successful resolution. By staying COOL, Chloe is able to defuse Lisa's anger in a way that maintains her own self-respect and that shows respect for Lisa. She shows respect and helps defuse Lisa's anger by acknowledging her anger and her unwillingness to listen, and saying that this is OK. Through her calm approach she shows that she sincerely cares about their friendship without turning Lisa off by coming across as desperate or needy. The next day she further defuses Lisa's anger by taking responsibility for her mistake and not pushing it when Lisa doesn't initially accept her apology. She proves that she's a good friend by letting Lisa vent and by listening attentively. By the time she apologizes again, Lisa is ready to accept it and resume their friendship. By accepting responsibility and staying cool, Chloe keeps her self-respect intact and earns Lisa's respect as well. As a result, the girls resolve their conflict and strengthen their relationship. Chloe feels happy, relieved and good about herself because of the mature, responsible, caring, patient way she handled a potentially volatile situation.
What should Chloe do if the Cool reaction didn't work?
Give students an opportunity to discuss whether they think Chloe's cool reaction resolved the situation in a way that was unrealistic, too pat, or too simplistic. Have them discuss instances when they've responded to someone's anger in a cool way, but even the right reaction didn't work. Identify some of the options that Chloe would have if this happened to her:
- For instance, she could explore other ways of defusing Lisa's anger
- Or could try giving Lisa even more time to cool off.
- Or possibly try talking it over in a different setting-for instance, away from school somewhere.
Remind students again that some people's anger is deep and pervasive and will not be defused by BeCool techniques or any other response. These people have personal problems and act the same way with most people. They should be avoided if possible. Students should realize that the anger of these people should not be taken personally. If their anger becomes a serious ongoing problem, students should go to an authority figure for help.
As in previous lessons, bring out the point that the cool reaction may not always work. But invariably it has a better chance of working than a cold or a hot reaction does. Emphasize also that none of us needs to put up with persistent or abusive behavior or an abusive relationship, with a classmate, an authority figure, a parent, or anyone in the community. We all have choices and resources available to help us in dealing with situations that are abusive or potentially abusive. Finally, emphasize again that a cool reaction is always self-rewarding, regardless of how a specific situation resolves itself. That is, it's always satisfying to maintain control of your feelings, to assert yourself calmly and reasonably instead of caving in or blowing up or allowing yourself to be victimized. When we look, think, and act in a way that maintains our dignity and self-respect, no one can take this reward of enhanced self-esteem away from us.
Summary - "Take A Break/Talk It Over"
Sometimes people are so angry. they need some time to "cool off" before you can talk to them. "Taking a Break" until the next day allowed Lisa to calm down so Chloe could "talk it over" and apologize for her mistake. Remember, when someone is too angry to "Talk It Over," BeCool and "Take a Break”.