▶️ Start the video. Part 1-"Accept/Apologize Anger/Other, Part 1 - "Accept/Apologize/Make Amends"
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the COLD Response.
The COLD Response
Let's check out Eduardo's COLD reaction. How did we LOOK cold?
Downcast head, lowered eyes. Slumped shoulders, body bent over. Sad pleading eyes and facial expression. Shifting nervously and timidly from foot to foot. Shaking head in fear.
How did he THINK COLD?
He felt like a weak, helpless victim and blamed himself for his predicament. He took Tyler's abusive treatment personally, feeling that he deserved to be treated so disrespectfully because he was worthless. He generalized from a specific mistake he made by assuming that he's stupid and a complete loser as a human being
How did he ACT COLD?
Subdued, timid, pleading tone of voice. Hesitant speech pattern. He let Tyler get right in his face and put his hands on him in a threatening way without objecting. He meekly complied with Tyler's order to repeat the Sign's message over and over again. He let Tyler humiliate him by admitting that he's a loser and an idiot. He begged Tyler to forgive him and to let him go. He ran away when Tyler gave him permission.
Did Tyler do or say anything that caused Eduardo's COLD reaction?
Tyler acted completely out of control and is much bigger than Eduardo. So, Eduardo had some justification for feeling weak and intimidated and wanting to flee. But even though his COLD reaction may have been Somewhat justified and given him some immediate relief, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Did Eduardo lose control of his feelings? How did his lack of control work against him?
Eduardo lost control of his feelings by letting his fear paralyze him and render him unable to express himself He also lost control of his feelings by stuffing them and trying to ignore them. His self-revulsion was so overwhelming that he seemed to take a masochistic pleasure in Tyler's humiliating treatment. By losing control. of his feelings, he lost control of the situation. He had no power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Eduardo's COLD reaction work? Why not?
Eduardo looked, thought and acted like a weak, passive, timid victim. Because the COLD reaction-simply taking the disrespectful treatment made him look helpless, Tyler became more confident and aggressive. Complying with Tyler's humiliating orders only encouraged Tyler to escalate his degrading treatment and to show off in more extreme ways for his girlfriend, making a fool of Eduardo in the process. Eduardo's obvious lack of self-respect made Tyler feel justified treating him disrespectfully. Instead of making Tyler back off, Eduardo's COLD reaction only left him feeling ashamed, helpless and completely devoid of any self-respect or dignity.
Eduardo's COLD reaction may have actually been an attempt to manipulate Tyler. Perhaps a COLD reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Eduardo may have been urging Tyler to feel sorry for him, thinking that he would back off out of pity or sympathy. But when people like Tyler get angry, acting weak only makes them feel more righteous in their anger and encourages them to attack more aggressively.
Optional
Teaching the symbol for COLD
Discuss the use of "blue ice" as a symbol of acting COLD. The person who is COLD is withdrawn, depressed, hard to talk to and not interested in working things out. The person "chills" interaction and "freezes" any opportunity for problem-solving. One way to remember what a COLD response is like, is to remember the color of "blue ice". Click here for more information about the BeCool Teaching Icons.
COLD Review
Eduardo gave away his self-respect and dignity by acting timid and Scared. And his COLD reaction didn't diminish Tyler's anger. Let's see what happens when Eduardo uses a HOT reaction.
▶️ Resume playing the video through to the HOT Response
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the HOT Response.
The HOT Response
Let's check out Eduardo's HOT reaction. How did he LOOK HOT?
Aggressive, confrontational posture, leaning forward, Smirking half-smile, cocky facial expression, mocking eyes.
How did he THINK HOT?
He blamed Tyler for the accident. He looks at Tyler's anger personally by seeing it as a personal threat to his manhood and a test of his courage.
How did be ACT HOT?
He spoke in a mocking, contemptuous tone of voice. He raised the volume and the pitch of his voice. He provoked Tyler by grabbing his shoulders and getting in his face. He provoked Tyler further by calling him stupid.
Did Tyler do or say anything that caused Eduardo's HOT reaction?
Tyler confronted Eduardo in a taunting, accusatory, and disrespectful manner. So, Eduardo had some justification for feeling personally attacked and reacting so strongly But even though his overreaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate satisfaction, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will Identify).
Was Eduardo in control of his feelings? If not, how did his lack of control work against him?
Eduardo iei his need to appear macho and to show off for Tyler and Tyler's girlfriend cloud his judgment. By losing control of his feelings, he lost control of the situation; he had no power to guide it to a productive outcome. All he cared about was sending Tyler a message in the strongest terms possible that he was no one to mess with. As a result, he simply exploded without considering the consequences.
Did Eduardo's HOT reaction work? Why not?
In one sense it worked, in that it didn't drag out the humiliating treatment in the way that the COLD reaction did. On the contrary, it quickly escalated the situation from a simple expression of anger into a physical confrontation. Eduardo may have gotten some temporary satisfaction by venting his anger and showing off. But by provoking Tyler and threatening his manhood in front of his girlfriend, Eduardo boxed Tyler into a corner where he had no choice but to fight. By blowing up, Eduardo turned a situation he could handle into one where he's going to get bloody. And if Tyler was carrying a knife, gun or some other weapon, Eduardo's HOT reaction may have put him in a life-threatening situation.
Perhaps a HOT reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Eduardo may have thought that acting tough would intimidate Tyler, win his respect and make him back off. He also may have thought that a macho display would impress the girl enough to make her want to leave Tyler and become Eduardo's girlfriend. But once temper is unleashed, it is difficult to control and can create an extremely volatile and scary situation just as it did for Eduardo.
Optional Discussion: Dangerous Anger
Eduardo's situation could have had life-threatening consequences of Tyler showing signs of dangerous anger. Discuss some of the indicators of dangerous anger
- Yelling
- Threats
- Pushing, hitting any physical abuse
- Having a knife, gun or any object that could be used as a weapon
- Unpredictable "crazy" behavior
- Obvious use of alcohol or drugs
If Tyler exhibited any of these indicators of dangerous anger, Eduardo's response would be to leave immediately and get help from a teacher, counselor or other authority figure.
Optional
Teaching the symbol for HOT
Discuss the use of "red fire" as a symbol of acting HOT. The person who is HOT, is angry, out of control, hurtful and not interested in working things out. The fiery HOT response "inflames interaction. When people are HOT, they tend to "act out" and their behavior is explosive and destructive. One way to remember what a HOT response is like is to remember "red fire" and "explosions." When you react with anger, it doesn't fix your problem. You are so busy being mad, you can’t think about how to make the situation better.
HOT Review
Eduardo reacted angrily just because Tyler got angry at him. Instead of admitting he made a mistake, Eduardo blamed Tyler. Of course, this made Tyler even angrier. The HOT reaction didn't help Eduardo gain respect...he just got beaten up.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the Cool Response and to the end.
The COOL Response
Now let's check out Eduardo's Cool reaction. How did he LOOK COOL?
First, he feels himself getting upset, so he takes a moment to calm down, take a deep breath and relax his body. When he talks to Tyler, his facial expression is Sincere and apologetic. He maintains steady, direct eye contact and stands upright. He looks dignified and self-respectful even when picking up the books.
How did he THINK cool?
Instead of fixing blame, either on himself or on Tyler, he focuses on fixing the problem. He uses positive self-talk and resolves to BeCool while he figures out what to do. He begins by objectively reviewing the situation and concluding that Tyler's anger is justified. By seeing the situation rationally, Eduardo does NOT take it personally. Then he calmly thinks through the consequences of reacting in a COLL or HOT way. He realizes that these courses of action will not solve the problem. He decides that his best approach is to BeCool by apologizing and hoping that Tyler will understand. As before, emphasize to students that the BeCool approach is all about being aware of our choices-not only how we look and act, but how we think. Make sure students understand that how we think is a choice we make and that this choice directly influences how we look and act, how we interact with others, and how others interact with us.
To get the outcomes we want with Others, especially with difficult people, it's vital that we think cool to make sure that our appearance and actions are cool as well. Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before taking action will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives.
How did he ACT COOL?
He backs of, raises his hands and acknowledges that the accident was his fault in a factual, unemotional tone of voice, He promptly picks up the books and hands them over. He apologizes to both Tyler and the girl in a sincere tone of voice. He inquires if the girl is OK. When Tyler tells him not to talk to her, he complies and leaves
Did Eduardo maintain control of his feelings? How did his control work in his favor?
By keeping his mind clear, Eduardo maintains control of his feelings. By staying in control of his feelings, he stays in control of the situation. He can see objectively that Tyler's anger is fair and that the COOL thing to do is to apologize for his mistake without losing his self-respect. By putting himself in Tyler's shoes, he realizes that he would be angry in the same situation. This helps him see that Tyler's anger is nothing to be taken personally. By avoiding taking Tyler's anger personally and reacting emotionally to it, Eduardo has the power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Eduardo's COOL reaction work? Why?
By calmly thinking through his options, Eduardo knows he's selected the best course of action. 1his all-important confidence boosts his chances of pulling off a successful resolution. By staying COOL Eduardo is able to defuse Tyler's anger in a way that maintains his own self-respect and that shows respect for Tyler. He takes responsibility for his mistake, apologizes and makes up for it. He realizes that this is the yay to act mature and be a man rather than showing off with phony bravado or groveling and begging for forgiveness. By immediately offering to pick up the books, Eduardo shows Tyler that his apology is sincere. By accepting responsibility and maintaining quiet dignity, he keeps his self-respect intact and charms Tyler's respect as well. By defusing Tyler's anger and making amends, Eduardo doesn't have to fear a violent retaliation. (Explain to students that making amend: means doing something to make up for the mistake.) Eduardo feels good about himself because of the mature, responsible, dignified way he handled a potentially volatile situation. And who knows. . . maybe he has made such a positive impression on the girl with his COOL reaction that she'll want to be his girlfriend!
What should Eduardo do if the COOL reaction didn't work?
Give students an opportunity to discuss whether they think Eduardo's cool reaction resolved the situation in a way that was unrealistic, too pat or too simplistic. Have them discuss instances when they've responded to someone's anger in a cool way, but even the right reaction didn't work. Identify some of the options that Eduardo would have if this happened to him:
- For instance, he could explore other ways of defusing Tyler's anger.
- Or, he could try apologizing at a later time or in a different setting, after Tyler has calmed down and is more receptive or doesn't feel a need to show off for his girlfriend.
Tell students that some people's anger is deep and pervasive and will not be defused by BeCool techniques or any other response. 1hese people have personal problems and act the same way with most people. They should be avoided if possible. Students should realize that the anger of these people should not be taken personally. If their anger becomes a serious ongoing problem, students should go to an authority figure for help.
Bring out the point that the COOL reaction may not always work. But invariably it has a better chance of working than a cold or a hot reaction does. Emphasize also the gone of us needs to put up with persistent or abusive relationships, with a classmate, an authority figure, a parent, or anyone in the behavior community. We all have choices and resources available to help us in dealing with situations that are abusive or potentially abusive. Finally, emphasize again that a cool reaction is always self-rewarding, regardless of how a specific situation resolves itself. That is, it's always satisfying to maintain control of your feelings, to assert yourself calmly and reasonably instead of caving in or blowing up or allowing yourself to be victimized. When we look, think and act in a way that maintains our dignity and self-respect, no one can take this reward of enhanced self-esteem away from us.
Optional Discussion: Unfair Anger
In the example we just viewed, the anger was fair. Eduardo accepted Tyler's fair anger and apologized. What if things had been different? Discuss with students’ examples of unfair anger. For example, the scenario could have played out as follows:
Eduardo did not open the door to Tyler, but Tyler blames him anyway.
Have students discuss unfair anger and roleplay possible responses using "Talk It Over/Explain Your Side." (A good discussion of "Explain Your Side" is found in Lesson 2 of MODULE 1, COPING WITH CRITICISM) Remind the students that they may have to "Take A Break" if the other person is too angry to listen. The 4-Step Assertion Plan can be helpful in bringing the other person's attention to unfair anger.
Optional
Teaching the symbols for Cool
Discuss the use of "neutral color," "clouds," and "sunglasses" as symbols your students can use to remind themselves of a "cool state of consciousness" and to act COOL. The person who is COOL is calm, reflective, approachable and interested in working things out. The Cool response brings calmness to potentially stormy interactions. As "neutrality in color," "clouds," and "sunglasses are associated with calm and control, so the COOL response has the effect of promoting accord and trust in human relationships
Summary - “Accept/Apologize/Make Amends"
If someone is angry with you over something you really did, "accept it" (be responsible), "apologize" and "make amends." "Making amends" always lets the person know you are sincere.