▶️ Start Video. Criticism, Part 1 - "Ask To Clarify/Accept"
⏸️ Stop Video. Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the COLD Response.
The COLD Response
Let's check out Vanessa's COLD reaction. How did she LOOK COLD?
Her head was down, shoulders slumped. She avoided eye contact. Sad, defeated facial expression. Looked on the verge of tears.
How did she THINK COLD?
She blamed herself; thought she couldn't do anything right. She took the teacher's criticism personally, thinking the teacher hated her and was trying to hurt her. She also generalized a specific criticism by assuming she was a poor cook and would always be a poor cook. She concluded she was a failure who couldn't handle the class.
How did she ACT COLD?
She mumbled in a resigned, defeated, barely audible tone of voice. She sighed and shook her head. She gave up and withdrew from the situation.
Did the teacher do or say anything that caused Vanessa's COLD reaction?
The teacher was sarcastic and exaggerated by accusing Vanessa of putting in a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce. So Vanessa had some justification for feeling personally attacked and reacting so strongly. But even though her overreaction may have been somewhat justified and given her some immediate satisfaction, it worked against her in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Did Vanessa lose control of her feelings? How did her lack of control work against her?
Vanessa lost control of her feelings by wallowing in self-pity and depression. By giving up, she revealed her conviction that she could never be a good cook. Through this behavior, she ensured that her belief would become a self-fulfilling prophecy. By losing control of her feelings, she lost control of the situation. She couldn't hear what the teacher was actually saying. She had no power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Vanessa's COLD reaction work? Why not?
Vanessa looked, thought, and acted like a passive, hopeless victim. It made her withdraw from the situation rather than learn what mistake she made and how to correct it to become a better cook.
Vanessa's COLD reaction may have actually been an attempt to manipulate the teacher. Perhaps a COLD reaction has worked for her before, so she thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Vanessa may have been trying to get the teacher to feel sorry for her as a way of not having to deal with the criticism, or of avoiding being disciplined or punished. It may also have been an attempt to get the teacher to lower her expectations. Getting sympathy is one way of getting attention, and so is running away. And having low expectations may seem to make life easier. But respect and self-respect are much more rewarding than sympathy. And to build respect, we need to grow and learn, which requires setting challenging expectations for ourselves, risking failure, and learning from our mistakes.
Optional
Teaching the symbol for COLD
Discuss the use of "blue ice" as a symbol of acting COLD. The person who is COLD is withdrawn, depressed, hard to talk to, and not interested in working things out, the person "chills" interaction and "freezes" any opportunity for problem-solving. One way to remember what a COLD response is like is to remember the color of "blue ice." Click here for more information about the BeCool Teaching Icons.
COLD Review
With that COLD reaction, Vanessa didn't try to understand the criticism. She just felt sorry for herself and gave up.
▶️ Resume playing the video through to the HOT Response.
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the HOT Response.
The HOT Response
Let's check out Vanessa's HOT reaction. How did she LOOK HOT?
Leaning forward aggressively, intimidating gestures, angry, scowling face, tense facial muscles, squinting eyes, piercing eye contact.
How did she THINK HOT?
She blamed the teacher and rigidly denied that she did anything wrong. She took the teacher's criticism personally by thinking that her family and her personal identity were under attack. By thinking this way, she turned a simple criticism into a personal battle with the teacher.
How did she ACT HOT?
She became defensive, put the teacher down, and taunted the teacher by personally attacking her and calling her an insulting name. She spoke in a loud, shrill, sarcastic, hostile tone of voice. She quit participating by daring the teacher to flunk her.
Did the teacher do or say anything that caused Vanessa's HOT reaction?
The teacher used an accusing tone of voice in asking what happened, then acted aloof and superior. The teacher egged Vanessa on by arguing back instead of shifting the focus toward solving the problem. So Vanessa had some justification for feeling personally attacked and for reacting so strongly. But even though her overreaction may have seemed justified and given her some immediate satisfaction, it worked against her in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Was Vanessa in control of her feelings? If not, how did her lack of control work against her?
Vanessa lost control of her angry, hostile feelings for the teacher. Her anger kept her from hearing the constructive criticism that the teacher was trying to give her. She was too self-centered to care about listening. By burning her bridges with the teacher, she forced the teacher to send her to the principal's office and possibly get thrown out of the class. By losing control of her feelings, she lost control of the situation; she had no power to guide it to a productive outcome. Venting hostility may feel good momentarily, but in the long run it usually makes a problem worse, not better.
Did Vanessa's HOT reaction work? Why not?
Sure, she succeeded in telling the teacher how she felt, and she may have gotten some temporary relief by venting her anger. But by turning the teacher into her personal enemy, Vanessa lost any chance of seeking a productive outcome for the immediate problem or of having a fruitful relationship with the teacher. She prevented herself from learning what mistake she made and how to correct it to become a better cook.
Perhaps a HOT reaction has worked for her before, so she thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Vanessa may have thought that intimidating the teacher would be a good way of not having to deal with the criticism, or of avoiding being disciplined or punished. She may have thought she could gain an advantage by showing the teacher that she was no one to mess with. And she may have enjoyed the attention and laughter she got from the class by showing off and by putting down the teacher. But if we avoid constructive criticism, we lose a valuable opportunity to grow and to learn, and to build genuine respect and self-respect. When we get a laugh at someone else's expense, we're really demeaning ourselves and showing our own insecurity. This is no way to build respect.
Optional
Teaching the symbol for HOT
Discuss the use of "red fire" as a symbol of acting HOT. The person who is HOT is angry, out of control, hurtful and not interested in working things. The fiery HOT response "inflames" interaction. When people are HOT, they tend to "act out" and their behavior is explosive and destructive. One way to remember what a HOT response is like, is to remember "red fire." When you react with anger, it doesn't fix your problem. You are so busy being mad, you can't think about how to make the situation better.
HOT Review
By choosing a hot reaction, Vanessa lost control and made Ms. Andrews angry and defensive. And Vanessa still doesn't understand the criticism.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the COOL Response and to the end.
The COOL Response
Now let's check out Vanessa's COOL reaction. How did she LOOK COOL?
First, she feels herself getting upset, so she takes a moment to calm down and compose herself. She looks up and takes deep breaths. She maintains good eye contact. Her eyes are soft and friendly. Her facial expression is apologetic and sincerely interested in what the teacher is saying. She smiles.
What are some ways to calm down?
Taking deep breaths, counting to ten, looking away, stepping back, changing body position (i.e.: Vanessa calmly moves from sitting to standing position), visualizing one of our cool symbols.
How did she THINK COOL?
Instead of fixing blame, either on herself or on the teacher, she focuses on fixing the problem. She begins by thinking objectively and unemotionally about what the teacher is actually saying. As a result, she does NOT take the criticism personally. Then she rationally thinks through the consequences of reacting in a COLD or HOT way. She realizes that these courses of action will not solve the problem. She concludes that her best approach would be to BeCool by talking to the teacher and finding out how to fix the problem. Emphasize to students that the BeCool approach is all about being aware of our choices--not only how we look and act, but how we think. Make sure students understand that how we think is a choice we make and that this choice directly influences how we look and act, how we interact with others, and how others interact with us. To get the outcomes we want with others, especially with difficult people, it's vital that we think cool to make sure that our appearance and actions are cool as well. Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before taking action will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives.
How did she ACT COOL?
She apologizes to the teacher and empathizes with her pain. She repeats the criticism to confirm that she heard it correctly. Then she works together with the teacher to clarify exactly what went wrong. When they identify her mistake, she realizes that the teacher's criticism was fair. Vanessa takes responsibility for her mistake and apologizes again in a sincere tone of voice.
Did Vanessa maintain control of her feelings? How did this work in her favor?
By keeping her mind clear, Vanessa maintains control of her feelings. By staying in control of her feelings, she stays in control of the situation. She can hear what the teacher is actually saying. She can see objectively that the teacher's imperial, superior manner is the way she acts with all students and therefore is nothing to be taken personally. She has the power to guide the situation to a productive outcome. Clarify for students that controlling feelings doesn't mean hiding or denying them; it means calmly acknowledging and expressing them in a way that maintains control of the situation.
Did Vanessa's COOL reaction work? Why?
By calmly thinking through her options, Vanessa knows she's selected the best course of action. This all-important confidence boosts her chances of pulling off a successful resolution. By being open to the teacher's criticism and taking responsibility for her mistakes, Vanessa shows maturity. By working collaboratively with the teacher to solve the problem, Vanessa helps the teacher open up and come down off her pedestal, and acknowledge her own fallibility. They are no longer "teachers" and "students" as much as they are two human beings, peers who are both trying to become better cooks. Now they understand each other better and respect each other more than they did before. As a reward for Vanessa's COOL reaction, she and Brittany get to cook the dish again for all the parents at the open house.
What should Vanessa do if the COOL reaction didn't work?
Give students an opportunity to discuss whether they think Vanessa's cool reaction resolved the situation in a way that was unrealistic, too pat, or too simplistic. Have them discuss instances when they've responded to criticism in a cool way, but even the right reaction didn't work. Identify some of the options that Vanessa would have if this happened to her:
- For instance, she could try the cool approach of clarifying/ accepting again.
- Or, she could wait and see if the teacher's refusal to clarify criticism in a cool, reasoned manner is an ongoing pattern. If so, Vanessa could try talking to the teacher in private about this recurring problem and seek a satisfactory solution.
- If this didn't work, then Vanessa would still have the option of going to the principal or some other higher authority to seek a solution.
Bring out the point that the cool reaction may not always work. But invariably it has a better chance of working than a cold or a hot reaction does. Emphasize also that none of us needs to put up with an abusive relationship, with an authority figure, a classmate, a parent, or anyone in the community. We all have choices and resources available to help us in dealing with situations that are abusive or potentially abusive. Finally, emphasize that a cool reaction is always self-rewarding, regardless of how a specific situation resolves itself. That is, it's always satisfying to maintain control of your feelings, to be afraid and not to show it, to assert yourself calmly and reasonably instead of caving in or blowing up or allowing yourself to be victimized. When we look, think and act in a way that maintains our dignity and self-respect, no one can take this reward of enhanced self-esteem away from us.
Optional
Teaching the symbols for COOL
Discuss the use of "neutral color", "clouds" and the "sunglasses" as symbols your students can use to remind themselves of a "cool state of consciousness" and to act COOL. The person who is COOL is calm, reflective, approachable and interested in working things out. The COOL response brings calmness to potentially stormy interactions. As "neutrality in color," "clouds," and "sunglasses" are associated with calm and control, so the COOL response has the effect of promoting accord and trust in human relationships.
Summary: "Ask To Clarify/Accept"
If it's fair, "accept" it. It's always a good idea to "ask for clarification" whenever you're confused or just not sure why you're being criticized. If you don't think the criticism is fair, "Explain Your Side." (Lesson 2)