Lesson 3: Guided Discussion

We're going to see the video again. This time we'll stop the video for discussion after we see Saeed being COLD, HOT, and COOL.

▶️ Start Video. Anger/Self, Part 3 - "Broken Promises: 4-Step Plan"

⏸️ Stop the video after the COLD Response. This is the point at which the person is frozen on the screen opposite the image of a "COLD" Chester, pe and he has finished discussing the effects of the person being COLD.

The COLD Response

What was the COLD reaction?

Even though his friend broke his promise, instead of telling him how he felt, Saeed pouted and whined about how he never got his way and how Dominic didn't like him. But his whining didn't cause Dominic to feel sorry for him - in fact, Dominic just didn't listen to him

How did Saeed feel?

Bad, hurt, and angry.

COLD Review

Instead of figuring out a way to talk to Dominic and find a solution to the problem, Saeed just whined and the problem wasn't solved. Not telling Dominic how he felt made him hurt and upset.

▶️ Resume playing the video. The HOT Response.

⏸️ Stop the video after the HOT Response. This is the point at which the person is frozen on the screen opposite the image of a "HOT" Chester, and he has finished discussing the effects of the person being HOT.

The HOT Response

What was the HOT reaction?

Saeed got so mad he lost control. He started name- calling and that made Dominic do the same. Now Dominic has left and the problem was not solved.

Did it work? Did it work any better than the COLD response? Why not?

No. It may have felt good at the time to get mad at Dominic for breaking his promise, but in the long run, it didn't solve the problem. In fact, it caused Dominic to leave feeling angry too.

How did Saeed feel?

Unhappy, mad, bad, hurt.

What should Saeed do if he felt like punching Dominic? Have you ever been so mad you have felt like hurting someone?

Saeed should "Take a Break" by calmly asking Dominic to leave and telling him he'll talk later when he cools down. It is very hard to control your anger sometimes. When you are so mad and think you could actually hurt someone, you need to leave or ask the person to go until you are able to get your COOL. It takes a lot of strength to BeCool when you are so angry.

There are some behaviors that you can try to let go of your anger. Can you think of anything that would help you?

Screaming into a pillow, running, or punching a pillow are some examples. The teacher can also suggest they find a quiet place to practice deep breathing, calming themselves, using positive self-talk, and trying to relax.

HOT Review

Saeed blew up at Dominic and started the name-calling. This caused Dominic to be angry back at Saeed. Now they're mad at each other. HOT responses usually have a short-term payoff (release of stress from angry feelings) but in the long term, they make situations worse. Let's see what happens when Saeed stays COOL.

▶️ Resume playing the video. The COOL Response. Play video to end.

The COOL Response

BeCool means: Looking COOL, Thinking COOL, and Acting COOL. Being cool worked well for Saeed since he got Dominic to keep his promise in a COOL, in-control manner.

What was the first thing Saeed did?

Saeed LOOKS COOL

• He takes a moment to calm down and get control of himself. He takes some deep breaths and relaxes his body. Now he is able to think clearly about what to do next..

Saeed THINKS COOL

• Before doing anything, Saeed stopped and thought about the different ways he could behave and if they would solve the problem.

Discuss how Saeed modeled the importance of taking the time to think about the outcome of being COLD and HOT before deciding to act COOL Remind students that taking the time to think about their choices before acting helps to build confidence and develop a sense of control over their lives.

• Next Saeed uses positive self-talk and decides to BeCool. "Okay, Saeed, BeCool. Dominic gave me his word that we'd play checkers, but now he's breaking his promise. I could start whining to Dominic that he gave me his word... Or I could get mad a Dominic for breaking his promise. No, I'm not going to be cold, I'm not going to be hot, I'm going to be COOL. I'll just let Dominic know how I'm feeling."

Saeed ACTS COOL: Use the 4-Step Plan

• Saeed used his "important voice" (a serious, but not angry voice) and had good eye contact with Dominic.
• He asked Dominic to turn off the TV. This was important so that Dominic could listen to Saeed without being distracted.
• He used the 4-Step Plan to handle his anger.

Step 1: Tell what behavior you don't like.

Saeed first told Dominic that he didn't like him making a promise and then breaking it.

Step 2: Tell how the behavior makes you feel.

Next, Saeed told Dominic that when he broke his promise, it made him feel sad and mad, too.

Step. 3: Tell what behavior you want.

Saeed told Dominic that he wanted him to keep his promises. Also, when playing, they would now start to be fair and take turns choosing what each wanted to do.

Step 4: Tell what will happen if you can't work things out

Saeed told Dominic he wouldn't want to play with him if he didn't keep his promises and if he didn't take turns choosing what they did.

Did it work? Why?

Yes. Saeed was COOL and able to control his anger. By using the 4-Step Plan, he could express his feelings without giving up or blowing up.

How did Saeed handle it when Dominic asked what they could do now that they both wanted to do different things?

Saeed stayed COOL. He told Dominic they couldn't do both and since they had already made a deal, Dominic needed to keep his promise. Dominic then agreed with Saeed and kept his promise.

How did Saeed feel?

Good, happy, and in control.

What if Dominic didn't want to keep his promise? What could Saeed do?

Well, Saeed probably would have to carry out Step 4 of the 4-Step Plan (not play with Dominic anymore.) If someone is really your friend, he/ she usually will want to work things out with you.

COOL Review

Because Saeed handled his anger by being COOL, the problem with Dominic was solved. In the future, Dominic will probably keep his promises to Saeed.

What If Nothing Works?

Don't Take It Personally!

We've learned a 4-Step Plan to use when coping with behavior that could make us angry. You feel good about yourself because you tried to solve the problem. However, with some people, no matter what you do, nothing will work. There will be people who don't care about you or how you feel. In these situations, we suggest:

1. STAY AWAY: Stay away from the person or situation, if possible.
2. REMEMBER, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT: People who continue to ignore how you feel after you have used the BeCool techniques have other problems that have nothing to do with you. They act the same way as most people they meet. Get away from them if you can and remember, it is not your fault.