Objectives
Students will:
- Understand why getting along with people is important.
- Define what a friend is.
- Understand the difference between a friend and someone who's friendly.
- Understand why it's important not to mistake a coworker's friendliness for friendship.
- Understand why it's important to keep relationships with co-workers within work-related boundaries.
- Identify the negative consequences of mistaking a coworker's friendliness for friendship.
- Identify the personal benefits of not mistaking a coworker's friendliness for friendship.
- Identify behaviors that accompany mistaking a coworker's friendliness for friendship.
- Identify behaviors that accompany not mistaking a co-worker's friendliness for friendship.
- Identify types of information that are too personal to share with anyone who is friendly but not a friend.
- Identify different situations in which a co-worker might try to get them to do something they don't want to do.
- Model successfully asserting themselves with a coworker who tries to get them to do something they don't want to do.
- Develop strategies for doing a better job of asserting themselves with co-workers who try to get them to do something they don't want to do.
Step 1: Lesson Introduction
Discuss with students why living independently in the community is important. Ask students why getting along with people is an essential part of living independently in the community. Have students identify friends or acquaintances of theirs. How have these friendships and relationships made their lives happier, richer and more successful? In what ways have their dealings or relationships with other people in the community made their lives more successful?
Have students identify people in the community with whom they interact but who are not really friends.
- These people can include clerks in stores, co-workers, neighbors, landlords, the person who delivers the mail, or other people we see from time to time, in the neighborhood, at the park, in the gym, on the bus, or wherever. Have students discuss any of these people with whom they have been friendly - that is, do they smile or wave or interact with these people in a pleasant way when they see them, and do these people act friendly in return?
- Make the point that being cordial and friendly with people is a natural part of making daily life more pleasant for everyone. But emphasize that there's a big difference between someone who is friendly and someone who is our friend. Have students discuss what this difference is. Remind students of previous discussions of the difference between an acquaintance and a friend.
- Emphasize again how rare a friend really is and that a friend is someone who cares about our best interests, someone we can trust, someone with whom we've shared a lot of experiences and have a lot in common.
Make the point that, unfortunately, some people in the community don't always care about our best interests. They care about their own interests, and they may try to use us to serve their interests. And by being friendly to us, or by trying to convince us that they're our friend, they think they can make us do what they want us to do. Have students discuss instances when this has happened to them - that is, when they mistook friendliness for friendship and did something they later regretted.
Tell students that one common situation where we can sometimes mistake friendliness for friendship is with a co-worker.
- Ask students to discuss instances when they mistook a co-worker's friendliness for friendship and did something they regretted. How did that make students feel? Was the coworker really their friend?
- Tell students that in today's video, we're going to see why it's important not to mistake the friendliness of a co-worker for friendship.
鈻讹笍 Show the video.
鈴革笍 Stop the video when the "Pause for Discussion" title appears on the screen.
Step 2: Guided Discussion, Part 1
What did Wayne do that was NotSmart?
He mistakes Johnny's friendliness for friendship. Wayne thinks Johnny is a great guy for buying him lunch. He also enjoys sharing some laughs with Johnny. Perhaps because Johnny is so friendly, Wayne answers Johnny's extremely personal questions after offering only weak resistance, even though he has only worked with Johnny for less than a month. He even trusts Johnny with a very important secret, about his romantic relationship with another co-worker, Helen. He tells Johnny not to tell anyone, or Wayne could get fired.
- Hesitant, timid voice
- Indecisive body language, squirming uncomfortably
- Weak gestures
- Nervous smile, trying too hard to please
- Eyes flitting all over
What happened because Wayne was NotSmart?
- Johnny blurts out Wayne's secret in the loudest, grossest way imaginable. He humiliates Wayne in front of Helen by shouting out to her that he knows about their romance. He even rubs it in by mocking French-kissing in a disgusting way.
- It's unlikely that Helen will ever forgive Wayne for sharing their secret and for being humiliated in such a public way. Wayne's love life has come to a screeching halt.
- Wayne may have to quit this job, and maybe Helen too. How can either of them stand to see Johnny every day? Plus, it's a sure bet that Johnny will blab their secret to everyone else, so they'll probably both be fired anyway. It's a good thing Wayne has some money stashed away. He won't be needing it for that ring, and right now his economic future looks as bleak as his future on the romantic front.
- Wayne may be so furious with Johnny that he'll get in a fight with him or seek revenge in some other way. But this will only get him in trouble and make a bad situation worse.
- By being so weak, Wayne has lost any respect Johnny may have had for him. But with a jerk like Johnny, who cares? The real tragedy is that Wayne has lost any self-respect he may have had. He might win Helen back and he may even find another job. But how can he regain his self-respect?
How could Wayne have been PeopleSmart?
Have students discuss how Wayne could have been PeopleSmart in the same situation. Then tell students to watch the next part of the video to see one way Wayne could have been PeopleSmart.
鈻讹笍 Start the video again.
鈴革笍 Stop the video when the "Pause for Discussion" title appears on the screen.
Step 3: Guided Discussion, Part 2
How was Wayne PeopleSmart this time?
He doesn't mistake Johnny's friendliness for friendship.
- When Johnny tries to convince Wayne how well they know each other, Wayne notes that they've only worked together about six times.
- Wayne firmly resists all of Johnny's nosy attempts to pry personal information from him.
- When Johnny won't stop, finally Wayne makes himself very clear:
- I'd tell a friend that, but I can't tell you because you're not my friend.
- You and I are friendly but we're not friends; it takes time to build up a friendship.
- I don't trust you.
- I can't have this conversation anymore; it's none of your business; you're getting really annoying.
- Self-assured, increasingly angry facial expression
- Direct eye contact
- Firm, assertive, increasingly angry tone of voice
- Confident, strong gestures and body language (cutting off Johnny with his hands, shaking his head in disgust)
- Upright posture
- Almost losing control and punching Johnny but leaving instead
What happened because Wayne was PeopleSmart?
- He maintains his self-respect by keeping his personal information private.
- He keeps his romance with Helen intact; their secret is safe.
- He gains Johnny's respect. This may not mean much, since it's doubtful he'll ever want to be Johnny's friend. But at least Johnny will treat him with respect in their working relationship, which will make Wayne's job easier and more pleasant.
What can we learn from this?
- Co-workers are people you see every day. To be successful in your job, you must have a good working relationship with your co-workers. But you need to recognize that just because a co-worker is friendly does not make this person your friend. A key to dealing with people like co-workers who are friendly but not your friend is to "draw a line in the sand" on what behavior is acceptable or not acceptable by them. This line sets a clear limit between what you will let them do with you, and what will do for them.
- In the first video vignette, Wayne ended up doing something he regretted because he didn't recognize this line or communicate it to Johnny. As a result, he allowed Johnny to cross the line.
- In the second video vignette, Wayne kept his own behavior and the behavior of his co-worker within acceptable boundaries by knowing this line and communicating it very clearly. As a result, he prevented Johnny from crossing the line.
- Until you get to know a co-worker really well, restrict your exchanges with this person to work-related issues and small talk that doesn't get too personal.
- When you feel good about yourself and have healthy self-esteem, you won't let a co-worker cross the line by mistaking this person's friendliness for friendship. You'll successfully resist any attempts to coax you to reveal personal information or do something else you don't want to do in order to please the co-worker.
- But if your self-esteem is low, you're afraid a co-worker won't like you if you say no. You're eager to maintain that friendly relationship, even if it means doing something you might regret. So work on boosting your self-esteem, and you won't mistake a co-worker's friendliness for friendship. Friends look out for the best interests of their friends. But co-workers like Johnny aren't looking out for your best interests; they only care about using you to satisfy their curiosity and have something juicy to gossip about with other co-workers and add some spice to their otherwise dull lives. They're not your friend, no matter how friendly they may seem.
- When a co-worker tries to get you to do something you don't want to do, know that you're right in saying no to that person. This can be scary because it risks a confrontation. But by avoiding the confrontation, the co-worker's problem behavior will continue. It's better to nip the problem behavior in the bud now, decisively and with conviction. Show your conviction in what you say and how you say it. By doing this, you may or may not gain the co-worker's respect; but much more importantly, you'll maintain your own self-respect.
- If a co-worker persists in trying to get you to do something you don't want to do, notify your supervisor
Step 4: Activities
Have students create wall charts listing verbal and nonverbal behaviors that accompany
- mistaking a co-worker's friendliness for friendship, and
- not mistaking a co-worker's friendliness for friendship.
Have students roleplay each of these behaviors.
Have students roleplay the NotSmart and PeopleSmart vignettes from the video. After each roleplay, have students discuss how they feel.
Remind students of the earlier discussion of instances when they mistook a co-worker's friendliness for friendship and did something they regretted.
Have students roleplay
- NotSmart behavior, and
- PeopleSmart behavior in these situations.
Have students brainstorm different situations in which a co-worker might try to get them to do something they don't want to do. These might include doing more than your share of the work, lying to the boss for them, goofing off with them, joining them in stealing company property, etc.
- Have students pair off and take turns roleplaying these situations in front of the class.
- Have students practice asserting themselves and saying no to their co-workers.
- Have the class provide feedback.
Have students create a "Line in the Sand" wall chart identifying:
- Behaviors that are acceptable or unacceptable from a co-worker
- Things they will or will not do for a co-worker.
Based on this chart, have students:
- Create small sheets or cards summarizing these do's and don't for dealing successfully with co-workers who act friendly but are not friends.
- Take these with them to their jobs as a reference.
Have students create a wall chart identifying types of information that are too personal to share with anyone who is friendly but not a friend.
Have students form small groups and create and perform rap songs entitled "None of Your Business." Award prizes for each song's performance.
Have students:
- Keep a journal of how well they resist the efforts of co-workers to get them to do something they don't want to do.
- Report their experiences to the class. Have the class assist them in learning from their experiences and developing strategies for doing a better job of asserting themselves with co-workers who try to get them to do something they don't want to do.
Have students identify the negative consequences of mistaking a co-worker's friendliness for friendship and the personal benefits of not mistaking a co-worker's friendliness for friendship. Then have them create separate wall charts listing these consequences.