We're going to see the video again. This time we'll stop the video for discussion after we see Phil being COLD, HOT, and COOL
鈻讹笍 Start Video. Anger/Other, Part 1 - "Accept/Apologize/Make Amends"
鈴革笍 Stop the video after the COLD Response. This is the point at which the person is frozen on the screen opposite the word "COLD" shattering, and the narrator has finished discussing the effects of the person being COLD.
The COLD Response
What was the COLD reaction?
Phil withdrew. He slumped down in his chair, didn't look at Ted, and felt sorry for himself.
Did it work? Why not?
No. Phil's cold reaction made it seem like he didn't care that he had tripped Ted, and that made Ted even more angry.
How did Phil feel?
Bad, guilty, ashamed.
Teaching The COLD Response Icon
Discuss the use of "ice" as a symbol of acting COLD. Because the person who is COLD is withdrawn, depressed, hard to talk to, and not interested in working things out, the person "chills" interaction and "freezes" any opportunity for problem-solving. One way to remember what a COLD response is like is to remember "ice." See page 7 for more information about the BeCool Teaching Icons.
COLD Review
In the short term, Phil avoided Ted's anger through withdrawal from the situation. However, in the long term, Ted is still angry at Phil and their relationship may suffer. Let's see what happens when Phil uses a HOT reaction.
鈻讹笍 Resume playing the video. The HOT Response.
鈴革笍 Stop the video after the HOT Response. This is the point at which the person is frozen on the screen opposite the word "HOT" exploding, and the narrator has finished discussing the effects of the person being HOT.
The HOT Response
What was the HOT reaction?
Phil got angry because Ted was angry. Instead of accepting responsibility, he tried to blame it on Ted.
Did it work? Why not?
Phil might have felt proud for standing up to Ted and showing him that he couldn't be pushed around, but that didn't make the situation any better. Ted got even more hostile and angry. Also, Phil got blamed for causing the fight and now is in trouble with the teacher.
How did Phil feel?
Unhappy, mad, bad, guilty.
Teaching The HOT Response Icon
Discuss the use of "fire" and "explosions" as symbols of acting HOT. The person who is HOT, is angry, out of control, hurtful, and not interested in working things out. The fiery HOT response "inflames" interaction. When people are HOT, their "heat" tends to be engulfed and the fire spreads. One way to remember what a HOT response is like is to remember "fire" and "explosions." When you react with anger, it doesn't fix your problem in the long run. You are so busy being mad, you can't think about how to make the situation better.
HOT Review
Phil reacted angrily just because Ted got angry at him. Now Phil's in trouble with the teacher. Instead of admitting he made a mistake, Phil blamed Ted. Of course, this made Ted even angrier, and now these classmates have something to settle after class.
鈻讹笍 Resume playing the video. The COOL Response. Play video to end.
The COOL Response
BeCool means Looking COOL, Thinking COOL, and Acting COOL Being cool worked well for Phil. He was able to put a stop to Ted's angry reaction.
What was the first thing Phil did?
Phil LOOKS COOL
- Phil took some deep breaths and calmed down. Now he was able to stop and think about how to handle Ted's anger.
Discuss the use of the "clouds," "sunglasses," and the "3-note whistle" as symbols your students can use to remind them of a "cool state of consciousness" and to act COOL. Because the person who is COOL is calm, reflective, approachable, and interested in working things out, the COOL response brings calmness to potentially stormy interactions. As "clouds," "cool sunglasses" and a "melodic cool whistle" are associated with calm and optimism, so the COOL response has the effect of promoting accord and trust in human relationships.
Phil THINKS COOL
- Before doing anything, Phil "Thought Through the Consequences" of being COLD or HOT.
Discuss how Phil modeled "Thinking Through the Consequences" of being COLD and HOT before deciding to act COOL. Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before "behaving" will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives.
- He uses positive self-talk and decides to BeCool. "Okay, BeCool. Ted's mad because he dropped the books and everyone's laughing. I guess I'd be upset, too, if it happened to me. I can act COOL and admit it was my fault and help him pick up the books.'
Phil ACTS COOL: "Accept/Apologize/Make Amends"
- Phil "accepted" responsibility for bumping into Ted.
- He "apologized" to Ted.
- He "made amends" by picking up the book with Ted. "Making Amends" means doing something to make up for the mistake you made. "Making Amends" showed Ted that Phil really did care about his feelings and that he was sorry.
Did it work?
Yes. Even though he was initially reluctant, Ted accepted Phil's apology. The apology let Ted know Phil understood why he was angry and "making amends" showed that Phil cared about their friendship.
How did Phil feel?
He felt better about himself because he "accepted" responsibility for what he did and "apologized" for it. He also felt good about the fact that "making up" with Ted made their friendship even stronger than it was before the problem started. Even if Ted has stayed mad, Phil could be proud of the way he kept his own COOL!
Another Way to BeCool
Discuss how Phil, in the alternate ending, immediately "accepted" responsibility for tripping Ted and "apologized" before he had a chance to get angry. Anger in others will probably be lessened or even eliminated when you "own" up to the mistake immediately after it occurs.
Optional Discussi贸n: Unfair Anger
In the example we just viewed, the anger was fair. Phil accepted Ted's fair anger and apologized. What if things had been different? Discuss with students examples of unfair anger. For example, the scenario could have played out as follows:
Some other student actually trips Ted, but Phil nonetheless gets blamed.
Or alternatively, Ted trips over his own shoelaces and dumps his anger on Phil.
Have students discuss unfair anger and roleplay possible responses using "Talk It Over/Explain Your Side." (A good discussion of "Explaining Your Side" is found in Lesson Three of MODULE 1, COPING WITH CRITICISM.) Remind the students that they may have to "Take A Break" if the other person is too angry to listen. The 4-Step Assertion Plan can be helpful in bringing the other person's attention to unfair anger.
Summary
If someone is angry with you over something you really did, "accept it" (be responsible), "apologize" and "make amends." "Making amends" always lets the person know you care about their feelings.