▶️ Start Anger/Self, Part 2- "Misunderstandings: Check It Out" video
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the COLD Response.
The COLD Response
Let's check out Nick's COLD reaction. How did he LOOK COLD?
Backing away and not facing Cameron. Lowered, evasive eyes. Looking at Cameron with suspicion. Hunched shoulders. Tense, rigid body. Hands stuffed in pockets. No gestures. Sad or flat facial expression.
How did he THINK COLD?
He felt like a weak, pathetic victim and blamed himself for apparently being betrayed by Cameron and rejected by Angela. He took Cameron's apparent betrayal personally, believing that he deserved to be betrayed because he's a worthless person in all respects who deserves to be treated like dirt. Besides, he probably concluded, that a lowlife like him never had a chance with Angela anyway, He generalized from a specific unclear incident by jumping to the conclusion that the worst has happened just as it always does because he's a complete loser as a human being.
How did he ACT COLD?
Subdued, meek, timid, flat tone of voice. Hesitant speech pattern. When Cameron asked him what was wrong, he stuffed his feelings and remained silent Then he turned down Cameron's invitation to go riding on Saturday
Did Cameron do or say anything that caused Nick's COLD reaction?
Cameron knew that Nick liked Angela. He also knew that Nick saw him hugging Angela. So, when he approached Nick, Cameron could have prevented any confusion or hurt feelings by immediately explaining the innocent reason for the hug. By coming across as so blasé, Cameron gave Nick reason to suspect something sinister. Nick may have even Seen Cameron's good humor as an attempt to rub Nick's nose in the reality that Cameron was in with Angela and Nick was out. So, Nick had some justification for feeling worthless and reluctant to assert himself with Cameron. But even though his COLD reaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate relief, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Did Nick lose control of his feelings? How did his lack of control work against him?
Nick lost control of his feelings by letting his catastrophic reading of the situation confirm his sense of worthlessness. He allowed his sense of devastation to overwhelm and paralyze him. Because he felt so weak, depressed and impotent, he convinced himself that there was nothing he could do about the situation. If he spoke up, he concluded that it wouldn't do any good. Cameron was in, he was out, what else mattered? By losing control of his feelings, Nick lost control of the situation. He had no power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Nick's COLD reaction work? Why not?
Nick looked, thought and acted like a weak, pathetic victim. His lack of self-respect was so extreme that he was willing to accept the humiliating betrayal of his best friend without a whimper. By stuffing his feelings and sulking, he achieved no resolution of the situation. He only made Cameron feel puzzled and rejected and somewhat put off by a dark, weird side of Nick he hadn't seen before. Observing from a distance, Angelia had to be a little turned off by Nick's strange body language as well. Nick, meanwhile, was left feeling dejected, rejected, betrayed, and full of self-loathing for his inability to express himself. As always, stuffing your feelings inside leads to sadness, depression, frustration and more anger. Nick's COLD reaction compounded an innocent situation into something much worse With the situation unresolved, he made it very unlikely that he and Cameron could remain friends.
Nick's COLD reaction may have actually been an attempt to manipulate Cameron by making him feel guilty. Perhaps a COLD reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Nick may have thought that out of guilt and pity, Cameron Would come clean about his betrayal and want to make it up to Nick and be a better friend. But friends rarely respond positively to people who demonstrate a complete lack of self-esteem. Guilt and pity make a weak foundation for true friendship. Also, people resent attempts to manipulate them, which is why manipulation often backfires.
As in Nikki's case, Nick's COLD reaction may have also been a misguided attempt to maintain harmony and avoid conflict with his friend at any cost. Remind students how harmony is phony if it comes at the expense of stuffed feelings. Remind them also that stuffed feelings have a way of exploding sooner or later, often with much more destructive consequences than if they had been expressed at the time. Emphasize again that conflict in a relationship can actually be a positive force if it is handled maturely and collaboratively, as students have seen in numerous lessons.
Cold Review
Instead of figuring out if Cameron was trying to "steal Angela," Nick just clammed up and stuffed his feelings. Not telling Cameron how he felt made him depressed and angry. It will be harder for the two to be friends in the future, especially since the problem was never resolved.
▶️ Resume playing the video. The HOT Response.
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the HOT Response.
The HOT Response
Let's check out Nick's HOT reaction. How did he LOOK HOT?
Backing away and not facing Cameron, then leaning forward aggressively Tense, confrontational posture. Angry facial expression. Glaring, intense eyes.
How did he THINK HOT?
He blamed Cameron for his anger and his jealous rage. He took what he observed personally by seeing it as a personal threat to his manhood and his worthiness to have a girlfriend. By taking the Situation personally, he felt justified in attacking Cameron with mean, personal comments and accusations.
How did be ACT HOT?
He spoke in a hostile, accusatory, sarcastic, contemptuous tone of voice. He raised the volume and the pitch of his voice. He got so furious that he didn't give Cameron an opportunity to speak. All he wanted to do was fight. He stomped away, showing that he had given up on the situation.
Did Cameron do or say anything that caused Nick's HOT reaction?
As with the COLD reaction, Cameron could have prevented any Confusion or hurt feelings by immediately explaining the innocent reason for the hug. For someone like Nick who thinks he has a good reason to feel jealous and betrayed, when the one he suspects comes across as smug or blasé, this can inflame the anger even more. So, Nick had some justification for feeling such righteous anger for such a humiliating personal betrayal. But even though his overreaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate satisfaction, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Was Nick in control of his feelings? If not, how did his lack of control work against him?
Nick let his hurt feelings about being betrayed by Cameron and rejected by Angela escalate into anger. Then he indulged his anger by losing his temper, which made him say hurtful things to Cameron that he didn't mean and, ultimately, challenge Cameron to fight. By losing control of his feelings, his judgment became clouded. As a result, he lost control of the situation; he had no power to guide it to a productive outcome.
Did Nick's HOT reaction work? Why not?
Nick's HOT reaction made the situation worse, as it almost always does. Sure, he succeeded in telling Cameron how he felt, and he may have gotten some temporary relief by venting his anger. But by demonstrating his complete distrust of Cameron, Nick may have ruined their friendship. By blowing up, Nick turned a situation he could handle into one where he ended up feeling guilty, unhappy, angry, and friendless He may also get beat up worse, its Cameron has a gun, knife or some other weapon. In addition, by making a fool out of himself in front of Angela, Nick probably eliminated any chance of a relationship with her. Ironically, Nick's HOT reaction may have even drawn Cameron and Angela closer together, resulting in the kind of romantic relationship that Nick had foolishly imagined.
Perhaps a HOT reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Nick may have thought that his HOT reaction would send a powerful message to Cameron that he's no one to mess with. And he may have thought Angela would be impressed by his macho display. But once temper is unleashed, it is difficult to control and can escalate into an extremely volatile or even physically threatening situation just as it did to Nick.
HOT Review
Nick blew up at Cameron and didn't allow Cameron a chance to explain his side. Nick has lost his self-respect and his friendship with Cameron. Let's see what happens when Nick stays cool.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the COOL Response and to the end.
The COOL Response
Now let's check out Nick's COOL reaction. How did he LOOK COOL?
First, he feels himself getting angry, so he takes a moment to get control of his body, When he talks to Cameron, his facial expression is calm and serious. His posture is relaxed. He maintains steady eye contact.
How did he THINK COOL?
Instead of fixing blame, either on himself or on Cameron, he focuses on fixing the problem. He uses positive self-talk and resolves to BeCool while he figures out what to do, He begins by objectively assessing what's going on. By seeing the situation rationally, Nick does NOT take it personally. Then he calmly thinks through the consequences of reacting in a COLD or HOT way He Realizes that these courses of action will not solve the problem. He decides that his best approach is to keep his feelings under control and check out what's really going on by asking Cameron. As before emphasize to students that the BeCool approach is all about being aware of our choices-not only how we look and act, but how we think.
Make sure students understand that how we think is a choice we make and that this choice directly influences how we look and act, how we interact with others, and how others interact with us. To get the outcomes we want with others, especially with difficult people, it's vital that we think cool to make sure that our appearance and actions are cool as well. Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before taking action will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives.
How did he ACT COOL?
He speaks to Cameron in a calm voice. He uses the "check it out" process to find out if there's anything going on between Cameron and Angela.
Did Nick's COOL reaction work? Why?
By calmly thinking through his options, Nick knows he's selected the best course of action. This all-important confidence boosts his chances of pulling off a successful resolution. By staying COOL, Nick finds out quickly and simply that he misunderstood the situation. As a result, there is no more reason to be angry. Through his calm, assertive approach, Nick keeps his self-respect intact and deepens his friendship with Cameron by collaboratively working through the problem in a COOL way. He gets clarity from both Cameron and Angela that there are no romantic feelings between them. Nick ends up feeling relieved and good about the manure way he handled a potentially volatile situation. He has earned Angela's respect with his maturity and enhanced his chances for having a relationship with her.
What should Nick do if the COOL reaction didn't work?
Give students an opportunity to discuss whether they think Nick's cool reaction resolved the situation in a way that was unrealistic, too pat, or too simplistic. Have them discuss instances when they've used the "check it out" approach with a friend, but even the right reaction didn't work. Identify some of the actions that Nick would have if this happened to him:
- For instance, he could try talking to Cameron later, in private, instead of in front of Angela in a public place.
- Or if turns out that Cameron is in fact after Angela, then Nick could tell Cameron how he feels by using the 4-Step Assertion Plan.
- But if Cameron has indeed betrayed Nick, and if he doesn't respond to the 4-Step Assertion Plan. then Nick may have to conclude that he is not really a true friend.
Emphasize to students that true friends don't betray a friend's trust or consistently do other things that make you unhappy. If they refuse to stop hurtful or unfair behavior, then the friendship may not be worth keeping. These people may have personal problems and act the same way as most people. They should be avoided if possible. Students should realize that the hurtful behavior of these people should not be taken personally. If their negative behavior becomes a serious ongoing problem, students should go to an authority figure for help.
As in previous lessons, bring out the point that the COOL reaction may not always work. But invariably it has a better chance of working than a cold or a hot reaction does. Emphasize also that none of us needs to put up with persistent or abusive behavior or an abusive relationship. with a classmate, an authority figure, a parent, or anyone in the community. We all have choices and resources available to help us in dealing with situations that are abusive or potentially abusive. Finally, emphasize again that a cool reaction is always self-rewarding, regardless of how a specific situation resolves itself. That is, it's always satisfying to maintain control of your feelings, to assert yourself calmly and reasonably instead of caving in or blowing up or allowing yourself to be victimized. When we look, think and act in a way that maintains our dignity and self-respect, no one can take this reward of enhanced self-esteem away from us.
How can you BeCool if you’re so angry that you feel like bursting Someone?
It is very hard to control your anger sometimes. When you are so mad, you think you could actually hurt someone, you need to clear out fast ("take a break") until you are able to get your COOL and "talk it over" later. Sometimes our friends or Other people even encourage us to lose Control (think of a fight when everyone is chanting "Fight, fight, fight!") It takes a lot of strength to BeCool when you are so angry. What are some ways you can release some of your anger energy (letting off steam) that aren't hurtful to others Screaming into a pillow, running, working out. punching pillows dancing any physical outlet that would not harm others. Better yet, find a quiet place to practice deep breathing and calm yourself. Use positive self-talk and try to relax.
COOL Review
Because Nick looked COOL, thought COOL and acted COOL, he was able to "check it out" instead of stuff his angry feelings or have them explode. By staying COOL, Nick finds out quickly and simply that he misunderstood the situation. As a result, there is no more reason to be angry.