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Anger: The COOL Response

The COOL Assertive Response to Anger

Assertive responses include:

Looking COOL

Detached, non-threatening demeanor

  1. Calming down by:
    • Taking time to gain composure, i.e., pausing to turn, lo and/or step away
    • Taking deep breaths, and by performing other "settling) behaviors (stretching, running hands through hair, etc.)
  2. Assuming a non-aggressive but confident facial expression (no smiling, no looks of fear or sadness)
  3. Giving no eye contact unless it's necessary to talk, then maintaining good eye contact when talking and listening
(See “
(See “Appendix” for full page version of icons for use in the classroom.)

Thinking COOL

"Non-blaming Perceiving Style" with statements such as:

  1. "What’s the problem
  2. "I’m going to stay calm and listen to the angry person.
  3. I’m a good person even if they are angry at me."
  4. Ask yourself: "Is this anger fair?" (Is the anger related to my actions? Is it accurate? Is it based on realistic expectations?)
  5. Decide if the angry person is dangerous.

Acting COOL

Behavior that asserts rights with respect and fairness:

If the anger is fair

  1. Accept/Apologize/Make Amends

    2. Calm down, LOOK COOL, THINK COOL. Listen to the other person's explanation for his/her anger. If you agree that the anger is fair, then "Apologize" and offer to "Make Amends." Tell the angry person that you are sorry. Ask or tell the angry person how you can correct the problem that made him/her angry.

    OR

  2. Take A Break/Talk It Over

      3. Take a break to allow the angry person time to "cool off" if he/she is not ready to listen or talk about it. Agree to meet later to talk it over. When talking, express concern for the other person, "Apologize" and offer to "Make Amends."

      If the anger is unfair

    1. Talk It Over / Explain Your Side
      • Express your concern about the other's anger.

        • "I’m sorry you 're angry. I think we can work this out."

      • Explain your side

        • “I didn’t know if you expected me to be here today. You didn't say anything so I made other plans."

      • Offer suggestions for improving/solving the problem.

        • “If we talk to each other before making plans I'm sure this won’t happen again. Let's make plans for next week."

      • Always talk to the person in private.

      OR

    2. Take A Break

        3. Take a break to allow the angry person time to "cool off." Suggest to the angry person that you take a break to give each other time to calm down and think about solutions to the problem. Leave the immediate area of the angry person. Meet with the angry person when he/she is calm. Explain your side as described above.

        If the anger is dangerous:

      1. Leave and Get Help

          2. Leave and get help if the angry person shows any signs of being dangerous by:

        1. Drinking alcohol or taking drugs.
        2. Throwing or hitting objects.
        3. Yelling and/or talking "crazy."
        4. Hitting or pushing you.

      Tell someone who can help (like a friend, neighbor, policeman, teacher, supervisor or counselor) about the dangerous person.

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Teacher Note: You may want to discuss unfair or dangerous anger even though the videos do not illustrate these types of anger.

Benefits of the COOL (Assertive) Response

Benefits of COOL responses to anger include: 1) learning from mistakes, 2) meeting others’ expectations, 3) reducing anger in others, 4) feeling good about self, 5) solving interpersonal disagreements, and 6) protecting yourself from emotional and physical injury. COOL responses will not always result in the desired short-term goal (such as reducing another's anger.) However, the long-term benefits experienced from being cool in a difficult situation (stress reduction, self-respect, etc.) can nonetheless be strengthened

Additional Notes

Relearning a new skill! Let the students know they may not always BeCool when they are first learning how to deal with difficult people-- their voices may shake, or they may forget what to do. But by practicing, they'll learn how to BeCool. Just like people falling down when they are first learning to ride a bicycle or to roller skate, they keep trying until it becomes easy. Keep trying BeCool responses; they will become easy too. The more exposure children have to the BeCool response (through roleplay, discussion, producing skits, etc.), the more likely they will be to incorporate this beneficial response into their personal behavior repertoire.

Empowerment: Learning to BeCool empowers (gives the power to) the students to take charge of their own responses, behaviors and habits. Most people do not realize they have a choice, that they can choose a response to a difficult situation, rather than reacting.

Long-term vs. short-term payoff: People often have either HOT (aggressive, angry) or COLD (passive, withdrawing) reactions without thinking of the long-term effects. During the guided discussion, point out to students that even though reacting HOT or COLD may feel good in the moment, it will not help them get what they really want in their lives, i.e., friendships, respect, job stability, etc. It never works, short or long-term. Everyone loses.

Everyday application: You will find many opportunities during the day to use the BeCool process. For instance, when there is a conflict, you might ask, "Is that a HOT or COLD or COOL response? What is a COOL response you could have to this situation?" In classroom discussions of a variety of topics (current events, literature, etc.), students can point out people who used these responses and the consequences.