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Self-Anger: The COOL Response

The COOL (Being in Control) Response to Self Anger

Being in control or "COOL" responses to self-anger include:

Looking COOL

  1. Calming down by:
    • Taking time to stop and relax, i.e. pausing to turn, look and/or step away.
    • Taking deep breaths and by performing other "relaxing" behaviors (rubbing eyes, stretching, running hands through hair, etc.)
  2. Assuming a confident facial expression (no smiling).
  3. Maintaining good eye contact when talking and listening.
  4. Speaking with a calm and "important voice."
(This icon is used throughout the video series. See “
(This icon is used throughout the video series. See “Appendix” for full page version, which can be used in the classroom.)

Thinking COOL

  1. "I'm going to stay calm and talk to the other person."
  2. "My angry feelings are okay, now I need to BeCool to handle them."
  3. "I'll be calm about what's bothering me so I can think clearly."
  4. "Do I need to take a break and cool off first?"

Acting COOL

Use the 4-Step Plan to cope with a difficult person in a difficult situation:

Step 1: Tell the person what you don't like.

Step 2: Tell how you feel.

Step 3: Tell what you want.

Step 4: Tell what will happen if you can't work things out.

Benefits of the COOL (Being in Control) Response

Benefits of COOL responses in dealing with one's own anger include relieving frustration, reducing anger in others, feeling good about yourself, increasing confidence by solving your problem and protecting yourself from emotional and physical injury.

Additional Notes

  • Re-learning a new skill

    • Let the students know the BeCool process may require a great deal of time and effort. Students may not always BeCool when they are first learning how to deal with difficult people -their voices may shake, or they may forget what to do. People fall down when they are first learning to ride a bicycle or to roller skate, they keep trying until it becomes easy. Keep trying BeCool responses; they will become easy and feel natural. The more activities you engage your students in (such as roleplay, describing personal experiences, using classroom conflicts, identifying situations in stories, etc.), the more opportunities they have to practice the BeCool response, and the greater the chance they will use it in their daily interactions.

  • Empowerment

    • Learning to BeCool empowers the students to take charge of their own responses, behaviors, and habits. It is important to teach students that they have a choice, that they can choose a response to a difficult situation, rather than reacting.

  • Long-term vs. short-term payoff

    • People often have either HOT (blowing up, angry) or COLD (giving up, sad, withdrawing) reactions without thinking of the long-term effects. During the guided discussion, point out to students that even though reacting HOT or COLD may feel good at the moment, in the long term, it will not help them get what they really want in their lives, i.e., love, acceptance, friendships, etc.

  • Everyday application

    • You will find many opportunities during the day to use the BeCool process. For instance, when there is a conflict, you might ask, "Is that a HOT or COLD or COOL response?" "What is a COOL response you could have to this situation?" In classroom discussions of a variety of topics (current events, literature, etc.), students can point out people who used these responses and the consequences.