😎

Anger: The COOL Response

The COOL (Being in Control) Response to Another's Anger

Being in control or "COOL" responses to anger involves a relaxed body, calm voice, “accepting/apologizing" if anger is fair, "explaining your side" if anger is unfair, or "taking a break" if the person is too angry to listen or if they need to calm down. COOL responses include:

Looking COOL

  1. Calming down by:
    • Taking time to stop and relax, i.e. pausing to turn, look and/or step away.
    • Taking deep breaths, and by performing other "relaxing" behaviors (stretching, running hands through hair, etc.)
  2. Assuming a confident facial expression (no smiling, no looks of fear or sadness)
  3. Giving no eye contact unless it's necessary to talk, then maintaining good eye contact when talking and listening.
  4. Speaking with a calm and "important voice."

Thinking COOL

  1. "I'm going to stay calm and listen to the angry person,
  2. "I'm a good person even if they are angry at me."
  3. Ask yourself: "Is this anger fair?"
  4. Decide if the angry person is dangerous.
(This icon is used throughout the video series. See “
(This icon is used throughout the video series. See “Appendix” for full page version, which can be used in the classroom.)

Acting COOL

If the anger is fair:

  1. Accept/Apologize/Makeup

    2. Calm down, LOOK COOL, THINK COOL. Listen to the other person's explanation for his/her anger. If you agree that the anger is fair, then "Apologize" and offer to "Make Up." Tell the angry person that you are sorry. Ask or tell the angry person how you can solve the problem that made him/her angry.

    OR

  2. Take A Break

    3. Leave the angry person alone to give them time to "cool off." Tell them you will talk to them later and leave. Later, talk to them about their anger, "apologize" and offer to "make up."

If the anger is unfair:

  1. Explain Your Side
    • By talking to them about their anger first, it may calm them down so that they will be ready to listen to what you have to say.
    • Talk to them about their anger.

      • "I'm sorry you're mad."

    • Explain your side.

      • "I didn't mean to do it."

    • Offer ideas to solve the problem.

      • "Let's talk about it so we won't fight."

      OR

  2. Take A Break/Leave the Person Alone

    3. Leave the angry person alone to give them time to "cool off." Suggest to the angry person that you will talk to them later and leave. Then talk to them about their anger, explain your side and offer ideas for solving the problem.

🧑‍🏫
Teacher Note: For the cognitively challenged and kindergarten students, we suggest not to emphasize "Take a Break/Leave the Person Alone."

If the anger is dangerous:

  1. Leave and/or Get Help

    2. Leave and/or get help if the angry person shows any signs of being dangerous by:

    1. Yelling and/or talking "crazy."
    2. Hitting or pushing you.
    3. Throwing or hitting objects.
    4. Drinking alcohol or taking drugs.

    Tell someone who can help (like a parent, a friend, neighbor, policeman, teacher, supervisor or counselor) about the dangerous person. Since dangerous anger will not be illustrated in depth in this module, it is important that the students understand that it is COOL to use the "Leave and/or Get Help" process, rather than getting hurt.

Benefits of the COOL (Being in Control) Response

Benefits of COOL responses to anger include: the anger stops, you feel good about yourself, your confidence is increased by being able to solve your problems and you protect yourself from emotional and physical injury. COOL responses will not always solve the problem. However, the long-term benefits experienced from being COOL in a difficult situation continue to build confidence and develop a sense of control over their lives.

Additional Notes

  • Re-learning a new skill

    • Let the students know the BeCool process may require a great deal of time and effort. Students may not always BeCool when they are first learning how to deal with difficult people-- their voices may shake, or they may forget what to do. But by practicing, they will learn how to BeCool. Just like people falling down when they are first learning to ride a bicycle or to roller skate, they keep trying until it becomes easy. Keep trying BeCool responses; they will become easy, 100. The more frequently you use the supplemental materials and provide students with related activities (roleplay, describing personal experiences, using classroom conflicts, identifying situations in stories, etc.), the more likely they will be to incorporate the BeCool response into their daily interactions.

  • Empowerments

    • Learning to BeCool empowers the students to take charge of their own responses, behaviors and habits. It is important to teach students that they have a choice, that they can choose a response to a difficult situation, rather than reacting.

  • Long-term vs. short-term payoff

    • People often have either HOT (blowing up, angry) or COLD (giving up, sad, withdrawing) reactions without thinking of the long-term effects. During the guided discussion, point out to students that even though reacting HOT or COLD may fee! good in the moment, it will not help them get what they really want in their lives, i.e., friendships, love, acceptance, etc.

  • Everyday application

    • You will find many opportunities during the day to use the BeCool process. For instance, when there is a conflict, you might ask, "Is that a HOT or COLD or COOL response? What is a COOL response you could have to this situation?" In classroom discussions of a variety of topics (current events, literature, etc.), students can point out people who used these responses and the consequences.