Anger: The COOL Response

The COOL (Assertive) Response to Another's Anger

Assertive responses include:

Step One: Looking COOL

1. Calming down by:
2. Taking time to gain composure, i.e. pausing to turn, look and/or step away.
3. Taking deep breaths and by performing other "setting" behaviors (rubbing eyes, stretching, running hands through hair, etc.).
4. Assuming a nonaggressive, attentive facial expression (no smiling).
5. Maintaining good eye contact when talking and listening.

Step Two: Thinking COOL

1. Self-Talk: "I'm going to stay calm and listen to the angry person."
2. Self-Talk: "I'm a good person even if they are angry at me."
3. Ask yourself: "Is this anger fair?" (Is the anger related to my actions? Is it accurate? Is it based on realistic expectations?)
4. Decide if it's dangerous.

Step Three: Acting COOL

If the anger is unfair:

Talk It Over/Explain Your Side

1. Express your concern about the other's anger. "I'm sorry you're angry. I think we can work this out."
2. Explain your side.

"I didn't know you expected me to be with you tonight. You didn't say anything so I made other plans."

3. Offer suggestions for improving/solving the problem. "If we talk to each other before making plans I'm sure this won't happen again. Let's make plans for next week."

• OR

Take A Break

Take a break to allow the angry person time to "cool off." Suggest to the angry person that you take a break to give each other time to calm down and think about solutions to the problem. Leave the immediate area of the angry person Meet with the angry person when he/she is calm. Explain your side as described above.

If the anger is dangerous:

Leave and get help if the angry person shows any signs of being dangerous by:

1. Drinking alcohol or taking drugs.
2. Throwing or hitting objects.
3. Yelling and/or talking "crazy."
4. Hitting or pushing you.

Tell someone who can help (like a friend, neighbor, policeman, teacher, supervisor or counselor) about the dangerous person.

Benefits of the COOL (Assertive) Response

Benefits of COOL responses to anger include learning from mistakes, meeting others’ expectations, reducing anger in others, feeling good about yourself, solving interpersonal disagreements, and protecting yourself from emotional and physical injury.

Additional Notes

Relearning a New Skill

Let the students know they may not always BeCool when they are first learning how to deal with difficult people - their voices may shake, or they may forget what to do. People fall down when they are first learning to ride a bicycle or roller skate, but they keep trying until it becomes easy. Keep trying BeCool responses; they will become easy too.

Empowerment

Leaming to BeCool empowers (gives the power to) the students to take charge of their own responses, behaviors and habits. Most people do not realize they have a choice, that they can choose a response to a difficult situation, rather than reacting.

Long-Term vs. Short-Term Payoff

People often have either HOT (aggressive, angry) or COLD (passive) reactions without thinking of the long-term effects. During the guided discussion, point out to students that even though reacting HOT or COLD may feel good at the moment, in the long-term, it will not help them get what they really want in their lives, i.e., friendships, job stability, etc. (HOT or COLD responses never work, short-term or long-term. Everyone loses).

For instance, when there is a conflict, you might ask, "Is that a HOT, COLD, or COOL response?" or "What is a COOL response you could have to this situation?"

Order

There is no special hierarchy to the four techniques for handling another's anger.