We're going to see the video again. This time we'll stop the video for discussion after we see Rachel being COLD, HOT, and COOL.
鈻讹笍 Start Video. Anger/Other, Part 3 - "Leave/Get Help"
鈴革笍 Stop the video after the COLD Response. This is the point at which the person is frozen on the screen opposite the word "COLD" shattering, and the narrator has finished discussing the effects of the person being COLD.
The COLD Response
What was the COLD reaction?
Rachel adopted a helpless attitude and became a victim.
Did it work?
At first, it seemed to work because Greg stopped being angry with Rachel and started speaking quietly and giving her a hug
But do you think Rachel is safe with Greg?
No, she is still in a dangerous situation and looks pretty scared. Just because Greg is hugging her doesn't mean he's not going to hurt her and it doesn't look like she could get away from him now.
Students should be encouraged to "Leave and Tell Someone" whenever an adult's touch makes them uncomfortable, especially if the adult asks them to keep it a secret. Reiterate that you are available to speak privately about any situation with a student or have them find another adult that they trust. Reassure them that it is always better to seek help from another adult if they need it. Secrets can keep bad things happening over and over again.
What were some signs that Greg's anger was dangerous?
His behavior is unpredictable. He's drunk and yelled at her and has violently broken his liquor bottle. (Discuss other signs of dangerous anger)
How did Rachel feel?
Frightened, powerless, bad, defeated and scared.
COLD Review
A cold reaction was definitely not the right way to react to Greg's dangerous anger. Acting like a victim only made Greg feel he could control her. Instead of trying to get away, Rachel stayed and tried to talk to him. It's never a good idea to be around someone as angry as Greg, especially if they've been drinking, Now let's see what happens when Rachel tries a HOT reaction.
鈻讹笍 Start Video. Resume playing the video. The HOT Response.
鈴革笍 Stop the video after the HOT Response. This is the point at which the person is frozen on the screen opposite the word "HOT" exploding, and the narrator has finished discussing the effects of the person being HOT.
The HOT Response
What was the HOT reaction?
Rachel got angry and out of control. She insulted Greg and threw things at him
Did it work? Did it work any better than the COLD response? Why not?
No. Rachel's angry response only made Greg more angry and abusive. She put herself in physical jeopardy with her anger. It is never a good idea to provoke someone who is acting strangely, especially if they are on drugs or have been drinking.
How did Rachel feel?
Angry, unhappy, bad, afraid.
HOT Review
Getting HOT with someone like Greg is the wrong thing to do. His anger is way out of control and his drinking only makes him more dangerous.
Rachel's yelling and her insults fueled the fire of his rage. She is in serious trouble. If Rachel had stayed cool, she would have recognized the danger and realized the only COOL thing to do was to "get away." Let's see what happens when Rachel uses a COOL reaction.
鈻讹笍 Resume playing the video. The COOL. Response.
The COOL Response
BeCool means: Looking COOL, Thinking COOL, and Acting COOL. Being coo! worked well for Rachel because she was in control and got herself out of a dangerous situation.
What was the first thing Rachel did?
Rachel LOOKS COOL
- She takes a moment to calm down and look at what's going on. She takes a deep breath and relaxes her body. Now she is able to think about what to do.
Rachel THINKS COOL
- Before doing anything, Rachel "Thought Through the Consequences" of being COLD or HOT.
- Next, Rachel uses positive self-talk and decides to BeCool. "Okay, BeCool. I can handle this if I don't panic. Greg is drunk and acting crazy. I'm not safe here with him, I can act cool by getting away from him. Mom told me if I ever needed help to go see our next-door neighbor. I'll go there and call Mom." Note: Rachel is thinking cool. She recognizes the signs of dangerous anger: Yelling, threats, physical abuse, and unpredictable behavior. She decides to stay calm and "Leave" as soon as possible.
Rachel ACTS COOL: "Leave" and "Get Help"
- She "left" as quickly as she could, without talking to Greg.
- Because she was able to think clearly, she knew her next-door neighbor was home and would be able to "Get Help."
Did it work? Why?
Yes. Rachel got out of a dangerous situation and didn't get hurt.
How did Rachel feel?
She felt safe and empowered.
Did the BeCool response work better than the COLD response? Why? Than the HOT response? How?
The BeCool response removed her from danger. The HOT and COLD responses increased the danger. The BeCool response helped her stay calm and think through the situation. She did not get caught in his drama and become a victim of him. She left as soon as she could and got help to protect herself from harm.
What if it didn't work and she couldn't get away?
She would try whatever she felt would work best. If you act COOL, but can't get away from a dangerous situation, you have to trust yourself and try what you think will keep you safest. If there are people around who may hear you, try yelling or screaming. If you think that may get you hurt, then stay calm and tell the dangerous person to leave you alone. You might even feel it's best to just be quiet. Trust yourself. But remember, it is never your fault when someone else is acting "crazy" or tries to hurt you. Always tell a trusted adult as soon as you possibly can.
Summary
Rachel acted cool. Being cool helped her stay out of harm's way.
Because Greg had been drinking, he could not control his anger and became threatening To be safe, Rachel realized she had to leave and find help. She kept cool and got away to the safety of a neighbor's house. If you are in a situation where you don't feel safe, stay cool, leave immediately, and tell someone who can help: a police officer, a teacher, a neighbor, or a trusted friend. If you think you're in danger, BeCool and "Leave and Get Help."
What If Nothing Works?
Don't Take It Personally!
We've learned three techniques in this module for coping with anger from others. However, they work only if all people involved want to work things out. Your students will inevitably be confronted by people who don't care about them and whose abusive behavior is driven by personal problems.
The prescription for coping with these people is:
- AVOID: Avoid the person or situation if possible.
- DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY: People who continue to be abusive after being countered with BeCool techniques have other problems that have nothing to do with you. They are unhappy people and act the same way as most people they meet. Get away from them if you can and don't take it personally.
- ASK FOR HELP: If someone has hurt you or scared you, or if you are feeling threatened, tell an adult you trust about what happened to you. To be safe in the future, it is okay to tell about something that has happened, even if the person who hurt you told you not to tell or asked you to keep it a secret. No one can help you if they don't know you need it. Stress that it is not the student's fault if something has happened to them. You cannot control other people's actions. Sometimes, being COOL means realizing something was not your fault.
Important Note: Unfortunately, in real-life scenarios, there may be no "pat" answer. Professional opinions vary over how children should act in such situations. The most important factor is that children are relieved from any misconception that they made the wrong choice or they had responsibility or would be blamed for what happened to them.