▶️ Start the Video: Bullying, Part 2- "Talk The Talk/Walk The Walk" (Using the 4-Step VideoPlan)
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the Cold Response
The COLD Response
Let's check out Aison's COLD reaction How did she LOOK COLD?
She avoided eye contact. Passive, cringing posture. Slumped shoulders. Sad, pleading eyes and facial expressions. Downturned mouth. Biting her lips out of nervousness and fear.
How did she THINK COLD?
She felt like a weak, helpless victim and blamed herself for her predicament. She took the sexual harassment personally, feeling that she deserved to be treated so disrespectfully.
How did she ACT COLD?
She objected in a subdued, amid pleading tone of voice. Her words were not backed up by any actions to get him away from her. When she finally broke free, she let him grab her arm and hold her without resisting. She walked away slowly and indecisively, looking back to show her lack of resolve She fled from the situation to avoid the sexual harassment.
Did Tyler do or say anything that caused Alison's COLD reaction?
Tyler came on like an obsessed stalker, so it was understandable that she would feel more than a little intimidated by him. His body language was threatening, pinning her against her locker, then physically straining her when she tried to get away. So, Alison had some justification for feeling weak and helpless and wanting to flee. But even though her COLD reaction may have been somewhat justified and given her some immediate relief, it worked against her in the long run (for her some immediate relief, it worked against her in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Did Alison lose control of her feelings? How did her lack of control work against her?
Alison lost control of her feelings by letting her fear and sense of intimidation paralyze her and render her unable to express herself. She also lost control of her feelings by stuffing them and trying to ignore them. By losing control of her feelings, she lost control of the situation. She had no power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Alison's COLD reaction work? Why not?
Alison looked, thought and acted like a weak, passive, timid victim. Because the COLD reaction-simply taking the disrespectful treatment- made her look helpless, Tyler became more confident and aggressive. She objected so meekly, Tyler didn't think she really meant it; he thought she was just playing and actually welcomed his advances. In react, when near "no” became “I don't know," she confirmed to Tyler that he was making progress with his relentless approach. Her obvious lack of self-respect made Tyler feel justified in treating her disrespectfully. Instead of making the sexual harassment stop, Alison's COLD reaction only left her feeling frightened, uncomfortable, unhappy and helpless.
Alison's COLD reaction may have actually been an attempt to manipulate Tyler. Perhaps a COLD reaction has worked for her before, so she thought it was worth urging again. For instance, Alison may have been trying to get Tyler to feel sorry for her, thinking that he would back off Out of pity or sympathy thy. But sexual harassers and all bullies can smell fear and weakness and are drawn to it as a shark is drawn to blood. Instead of making them back off acting weak only encourages them to attack more aggressively Remind students that a sexual harasser, like any other bully, needs a victim to bully. If you don't look and act like a victim, the bully will probably look for one somewhere else.
COLD Review
Alison acts like a timid little girl and that's all that Tyler needed to continue titmice her. Let's see what occurs with a HOT reaction.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the HOT Response.
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the HOT Response.
The HOT Response
Let's check out Alison's HOT reaction. How did she LOOK HOT?
Aggressive, confrontational, tense posture, leaning forward, violent gestures, angry face, tense facial muscles, eyes flashing, piercing eye contact.
How did she THINK HOT?
She blamed Tyler for her discomfort. She took the sexual harassment personally by seeing it as a personal attack by someone who was obsessed with her and saw her only as a sex object.
How did she ACT HOT?
She spoke in a hostile, contemptuous tone of voice. She raised the volume and the pitch of her voice. She pushed him away violently, then insulted him. She threatened him with trouble, then wrestled with him and slapped him.
Did Tyler do or say anything that caused Alison's HOT reaction?
Tyler's threatening and disrespectful treatment was certainly out of line and uncalled for. So, Alison had some justification for feeling personally attacked and reacting so strongly. Bu even though her overreaction may have been somewhat justified and given her some immediate satisfaction, it worked against her in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Was Alison in control of her feelings? lf not, bow did her lack of control work against her?
Alison lost control of her angry, hostile feelings for Tyler. By losing control of her feelings, she lost control of the situation; she had no power to guide it to a productive outcome. All she cared about was sending Tyler a message in the strongest terms possible that she was no one to mess with. As a result, she simply exploded without considering the consequences.
Did Alison's HOT reaction work? Why not?
At first glance, it seemed that it did work. It got the sexual harassment to stop. Alison may have gotten some temporary relief by venting her anger. But by slapping Tyler, she may have provoked him and threatened his manhood to such a degree that he will feel compelled to retaliate in the future. If Tyler was carrying a knife, gun or some other weapon, Alison's HOT reaction may have put her in a life-threatening situation. By blowing up, Alison turned a situation she could handle into one that she may not be able to control. Now she’ll be looking over her shoulder everywhere she goes, which will severely cramp her freedom and quality of life for the indefinite future.
Perhaps a HOT reaction has worked for her before, so she thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Alison may have thought that acting tough would intimidate Tyler and blow him away for good. But once temper is unleashed, it is difficult to control and can create an extremely volatile and scary situation just as it did for Alison.
HOT Review
Being sexually harassed can make you angry, but Alison's HOT response is not the kind of response you want to leave with someone like Tyler. Let's see how the BeCool approach allows you to deal with bullying.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the COOL Response and to end.
The COOL Response
Now let's check out Aison's Cool reaction. How did she LOOK COOL?
First, she feels herself getting angry, so she takes a moment to calm down, take a deep breath, and relax her body Her facial expression is serious. Her posture is upright and self-assured She maintains steady, direct eye contact when she talks and listens to Tyler. She looks like she means business.
How did she THINK COOL?
Instead of fixing blame, either on herself or on Tyler, she focuses on fixing the problem. She begins by objectively assessing the situation and deciding what she wants to happen. By seeing the situation realistically, Alison does NOT take it personally. Then she rationally thinks through the consequences of reacting in a COLD or HOT way. She realizes that these courses of action will not solve the problem. She decides that her best approach is to BeCool and use the 4-Step Assertion Plan. As before, emphasize to students that the BeCool approach is all about being aware of our choices - not only how we look and act, but how we think.
Make sure students understand that how we think is a choice we make, and that this choice directly influences how we look and act, how we interact with others, and how Others interact with us. To get the outcomes we want with others, especially with difficult people, it's vital that we think cool to make sure that our appearance and actions are cool as well. Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before taking action will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives.
How did she ACT COOL?
She walks away assertively without looking back. When she decides to turn around and confront Tyler. She talks in a calm, firm, serious, sincere voice. She uses the 4-Step Assertion Plan in working through the problem with Tyler
- Tell what behavior you don't like.
- Tell how the behavior makes you feel
- Tell what behavior you want instead.
- If you don't get agreement, tell what will happen if you can't work things out.
Alison tells Tyler that she doesn't like him calling her "babe or telling her what he wants to do to her or touching her without permission.
Alison tells Tyer that she feels as if Tyler doesn't respect her when he treats her like that.
Alison asks Tyler to talk to her in a way that feels OK to her.
At first, Tyler gives no sign that he is willing to go along with what Alison is asking. As a result, she has to spell out what will happen if he refuses to heed her wishes. First, she'll have to ask him not to talk to her at all. And if he won't do that, then she'll have to go to the principal.
Emphasize to students that the first goal always is to try to get an agreement. Issuing an ultimatum can make the other person defensive and can escalate the situation or create a stalemate. This is why it should be done only as a last resort. But an ultimatum shouldn't be avoided if it is necessary. With some harassers, it is the only way to make them see that you mean business and that you are willing to do what it takes to stop the unwanted behavior.
Did Alison maintain control of her feelings? How did her control work in her favor?
By keeping her mind clear, Alison maintains control of her feelings. By staying in control of her feelings, she stays in control of the situation. She can see objectively that Tyler's sexual harassment is something he does out of insecurity and has nothing to do with her, it's simply the way Tyler tests many girls to see how much he can get away with. Therefore, it is nothing to be taken personally. By staying focused on her goal, Alison can avoid taking the sexual harassment personally and reacting emotionally to it. She has the power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Alison's cool reaction work? Why?
By calmly thinking through her options, Alison knows she's selected the best course of action. This all-important confidence boosts her chances of pulling off a successful resolution. By staying COOL, Alison is able to make the sexual harassment stop in a way that maintains her own self-respect and that doesn't provoke Tylen She speaks to Tyler one-on-one Without insulting him or yelling at him. This way, he can hear what she's trying to say without getting road or defensive. Alison calmly and reasonably makes Tyler see that she serious and that it is in Tyler's best interests to stop the unwanted behavior. Through her calm but firm approach, Alison earns Tyler's respect and gets him to back off. By getting her point across without humiliating Tyier, Alison doesn't have to fear a violent retaliation Alison feels good about herself because she has gotten what she wants and now she can get on with enjoying life.
What should Alison do if the cool reaction didn't work?
Give students an opportunity to discuss whether they think Alison's cool reaction resolved the situation in a way that was unrealistic, too pat or too simplices. Have them discuss instances when they've responded to sexual harassment or other bullying in a cool way, but even the right reaction didn't work. Identify some of the options that Alison would have if this happened to her:
- For instance, she could try the cool approach at a later time or in a different setting, after Tyler has calmed down and is more receptive.
- If this didn't work, then Alison would surely have the option of going to a teacher or counselor or the principal.
Tell students that the behavior of some sexual harassers and other bullies will not be stopped by BeCool techniques or any other response. These people have personal problems and act the same way with most people. They should be avoided if possible. Students should realize that the harassment or bullying of these people should not be taken personally. Again, if their harassment or bullying becomes a serious ongoing problem, students should go to an authority figure for help.
As in previous lessons, bring out the point that the cool reaction may not always work. But invariably it has a better chance of working than a cold or a hot reaction does. Emphasize also that none of us needs to put up with persistent or abusive bullying, harassment or an abusive relationship, with a classmate, an authority figure, a parent, or anyone in the community. We all have choices and resources available to help us in dealing with situations that are abusive or potentially abusive. Finally, emphasize again that a cool reaction is always self-rewarding, regardless of how a specific situation resolves itself. That is, it's always satisfying to maintain control of your feelings, to assert yourself calmly and reasonably instead of caving in or blowing up or allowing yourself to be victimized. When we look, think and act in a way that maintains our dignity and self-respect, no one can take this reward of enhanced self-esteem away from us.
Summary - "Talk The Talk/Walk The Walk"
Alison calmed herself down. She "Talked The Talk/Walked The Walk and calmly and confidently got Tyler to stop his harassment. If he hadn't stopped his harassment, she would then need to follow through on her threat to go to a teacher.
Return to: Lesson 2: Introduction