▶️ Start the video. Bullying, Part 1- "Look The Look" (Anti-Victim Strategies)
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the COLD Response.
The COLD Response
Let's check out Steve's COLD reaction. How did we LOOK COLD?
Cowering body language. Sad, pleading eyes. Eyes darting fearfully from one bully to another. Fearful facial expression.
How did he THINK COLD?
He felt like a weak, helpless victim and blamed himself for his predicament He took the bullying personality, feeling that he deserved to be treated so disrespectfully because he's worthless. He assumed that he made a mistake and generalized from this by concluding that he’s stupid and a complete loser as a human being
What is a victim?
Someone who is injured or made to suffer. Sometimes people choose to act like victims ('Everyone's picking on me") instead of standing up for themselves. Victims give the appearance of being "helpless." This helplessness makes them targets for exploitation.
How did he ACT COLD?
Subdued, timid, whining tone of voice. Hesitant speech pattern. He let the bullies get right in his face and take his cap and his food with only weak objections. He begged them to forgive him and to let him go. He meekly left only when they gave him permission.
Did the bullies do or say anything that caused Steve's COLD reaction?
They were much bigger than Steve, and their baggy clothes made him think they might belong to a gang. So, Steve had some justification for being weak and intimidated and willing to put up with their humiliating treatment. But even though his COLD reaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate relief, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Did Steve lose control of his feelings? How did this lack of control work against him?
Steve lost control of his feelings by letting his fear paralyze him and render him unable to express himself. He also lost control of his feelings by stuffing them and urging to ignore them. His self-revulsion was so overwhelming that he seemed to take a masochistic pleasure in their degrading treatment. By losing control of his feelings, he lost control of the situation. He had no power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Steve's COLD reaction work? Why not?
Steve looked, thought and acted like a weak, passive, timid victim. Because the COLD reaction - simply taking the disrespectful treatment- made him look helpless, the bullies became more confident and aggressive. Looking afraid only encouraged them to escalate their degrading treatment and to show off in more extreme ways for the other students, making a fool of Steve in the process. Steve's obvious lack of self-respect made them feel justified treating him disrespectfully. Instead of making the bullying stop, Steve's COLD exaction only left him feeling ashamed, frightened, helpless, desperate and completely devoid of any self-respect or dignity.
Steve's COLD reaction may have actually been an attempt to manipulate them. Perhaps a COLD reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it Was worth trying again. For instance, Steve may have been trying to get them to feel sorry for him, thinking that they would back off out of pity or sympathy. Or he may have thought that if he went along with them, they would eventually get bored and leave him alone. But showing that you're weak and acting like a victim only encourages bullies to attack more aggressively. Remember, a bully needs a victim to bully. If you don't look and act like a victim, the bully will probably look for one somewhere else.
Optional
Teaching the symbol for COLD
Discuss the use of "blue ice" as a symbol of acting COLD. The person who is COLD is withdrawn, depressed, hard to talk to and not interested in working things out. The person "chills" interaction and "freezes" any opportunity for problem-solving. One way to remember what a COLD response is like, is to remember the color of "blue ice." Click here for more information about the BeCool Teaching lcons.
COLD Review
Bullies look for people who will take their abuse. Steve acted like a victim. Don't help bullies by looking like a victim.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the HOT Response.
⏸️ Stop the video at the Pause for Discussion of the HOT Response.
The HOT Response
Let's check out Steve's HOT reaction. How did he LOOK HOT?
Aggressive, confrontational posture, leaning forward, smirking half-smile, cocky facial expression, mocking eyes.
How did he THINK HOT?
He blamed the bullies for the situation. He took their bullying personally by seeing it as a personal threat to his manhood and a test of his courage.
How did he ACT HOT?
He spoke in a mocking, sarcastic, contemptuous 1one of voice. He raised the volume and the pitch of his voice. He swiped one bully away from him with a violent. threatening arm gesture. He acted like a smartass and provoked them by calling them names and making them the butt of his jokes. He made them look like fools and made the other students laugh at them with his showy performance.
Did the bullies do or say anything that caused Steve's HOT reaction?
The bullies confronted Steve in a taunting, threatening, disrespectful manner. So, Steve had some justification for feeling personally attacked and reacting so strongly. But even though his overreaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate satisfaction, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Was Steve in control of his feelings? If not, how did his lack of control work against him?
Steve let his need to appear macho and to show off for the bullies and the other students cloud his judgment. By losing control of his feelings, he lost control of the situation; he had no power to guide it to a productive outcome. All he cared about was sending the bullies and his audience a message in the strongest terms possible that he was no one to mess with. As a result, he simply exploded without considering the Consequences.
Did Steve's HOT reaction work? Why not?
In one sense it worked, in that it didn’t drag out the humiliating treatment in the way that the COŁD reaction did. On the contrary, it quickly escalated the situation into a physical confrontation. Steve may have gotten some temporary satisfaction by acting tough and showing off. But by provoking the bullies and threatening their manhood in front of the other students, Steve boxed them into a corner where they had no choice but to fight in order to save face. By blowing up, Steve turned a situation he could handle into one where he was going to get bloody. And if the bullies were carrying a knife, gun, or some other weapon, Steve's HOT reaction may have put him in a life-threatening situation.
Perhaps a HOT reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Steve may have thought that humor would defuse the situation and disarm the bullies. But making them the laughingstock of the schoolyard only escalated the situation. More likely, Steve probably thought that acting tough would intimidate the bullies, win their respect and make them back off. He also may have thought that a macho display would impress the other students and gain him some respect in the schoolyard and in the neighborhood. But once anger is unleashed, it is difficult to control and can create an extremely volatile and scary situation just as it did for Steve.
Optional
Teaching the symbol for HOT
Discuss the use of "red fire" as a symbol of acting HOT. The person who is HOT, is angry, out of control, hurtful and not interested in working things out. The fiery HOT response "inflames" interaction. When people are HOT, they tend to act out" and their behavior is explosive and destructive. One way to remember what a HOT response is like is to remember "red fire" and "explosions." When you react with anger, it doesn't fix your problem. You are so busy being mad, you can't think about how to make the situation better.
HOT Review
Bullies like to put someone else down so they can feel better and bigger about themselves. They agent usually looking for a real fight. However, when provoked, especially in groups, the need to "look good" in front of their friends makes then follow through on their threats.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the COOL Response and to the end
The COOL Response
Now let's check out Steve's Cool reaction How did he LOOK COOL?
First, he feels himself getting angry and afraid, so he takes a moment to calm down and get control of his body. He realizes he can be scared, but he doesn't have to look scared. While he thinks, he sits upright rather than cowering or leaning forward aggressively as he did before. He looks COOL by simply walking away from trouble in a quiet, dignified way that keeps his self-respect intact.
How did he THINK COOL?
Instead of fixing blame, either on himself or on the bullies, he focuses on fixing the problem. He uses positive self-talk and resolves to BeCool while he figures out what to do. He begins by calmly and objectively thinking through the consequences of reacting in a COLD or HOT way. He realizes that these courses of action will not solve the problem. By seeing the situation rationally, Steve does NOT take it personally. He decides it's not worth fighting for the table and that is best approach is to BeCool by keeping his dignity and walk away from trouble. As before, emphasize to students that the BeCool approach is all about being aware of our choices not only how we look and act, but how we think.
Make sure students understand that how we think is a choice we make, and that this choice directly influences how we look and act, how we interact with others, and how others interact with us. To get the outcomes we want with others, especially with difficult people, it's vital that we think cool to make sure that our appearance and actions are cool as well Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before taking action will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives.
How did be ACT COOL?
He "looks the look" by gathering his stuff quickly but not hurriedly. When he walks away, his eyes are straight ahead and he makes no eye contact with the bullies. His posture is erect and his head up. He walks with determination, confidence, and dignity. He ignores the bullies' Comments.
Did Steve maintain control of his feelings? How did his control work in his favor?
By keeping his mind clear, Steve maintains control of his feelings. By staying in control of his feelings, he stays in control of the situation. He can see objectively that the table is not worth fighting for (especially when he's outnumbered.) He realizes that he can walk away from trouble without losing his self-respect or challenging the self-respect of the bullies. By not taking the bullying personally and reacting emotionally to it, Steve has the power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Steve's COOL reaction work? Why?
By calmly thinking through his options, Steve knows he's selected the best course of action that keeps him safe. This all-important confidence boosts his chances of pulling off a successful resolution. By staying COOL, Steve avoids giving the bullies what they want by groveling and begging. Nor does he foolishly try to provoke a fight with three guys who are much bigger than he is. By maintaining a quiet dignity and walking away from trouble, Steve avoids potential injury, keeps his self-respect intact, and earns the respect of the other students as well. This helps him make new friends as he joins them at the other table. Steve feels good about himself because of the mature, responsible, dignified way he handled a potentially volatile situation.
What should Steve do if the Cool reaction didn't work?
Give students an opportunity to discuss whether they think Steve's cool reaction resolved the situation in a way that was unrealistic, too pat, or too simplistic. Have them discuss instances when they've responded to a bully in a cool! way, but even the right reaction didn't work. Identify some of the options that Steve would have if the bullies started getting physical.
- He should leave as fast as he can. Physical fights with bullies can turn into a life-threatening situation if someone pulls out a knife or gun. Many times, waking away from trouble is the only COOL thing to do.
- If the bullying persists, he should get help from an authority figure like a teacher or counselor.
- If the bullying continues to the point that he feels in serious danger, he should talk to his parents and consider contacting the police.
Tell students that some bullies' behavior will not be defused by BeCool techniques or any other response. These people have personal problems and act the same way with most people. They should be avoided if possible. Students should realize that the bullying of these people should not be taken personally. Again, if their bullying becomes a serious ongoing problem, students should go to an authority figure for help.
Bring out the point that the cool reaction may not always work. But invariably it has a better chance of working than a cold or a hot reaction does. Emphasize also that none of us needs to put up with persistent or abusive behavior or an abusive relationship, with a classmate, an authority figure, a parent, or anyone in the community. We all have choices and resources available to help us in dealing with situations that are abusive or potentially abusive. Finally, emphasize again that a cool reaction is always self-rewarding, regardless of how a specific situation resolves itself. That is, it's always satisfying to maintain control of your feelings, to assert yourself calmly and reasonably instead of caving in or blowing up or allowing yourself to be victimized. When we look, think and act in a way that maintains our dignity and self-respect, no one can take this reward of enhanced self-esteem away from us.
- The presence of a weapon or potential weapon (bat, chain, knife, gun, etc.)
- Extreme anger
- A history of injuring others
- Name-calling, statements of intent, or threats to cause injury.
- Use of alcohol and/or drugs
Also discuss the importance of paying attention to feelings of being in danger (if you feel you're in danger, you probably are.)
Optional
Teaching the symbol for COOL
Discuss the use of "neutral color," "clouds," and "sunglasses" as symbols your students can use to remind themselves of a "cool state of consciousness" and to act COOL The person who is COOL is calm, reflective, approachable and interested in working things out. The COOL response brings calmness to potentially stormy interactions. As "neutrality in color "clouds," and "sunglasses" are associated with calm and control, so the COOL response has the effect of promoting accord and trust in human relationships.
Summary - "Look The Look" (Anti-Victim Strategies)
Steve used two major defenses against bullies, "Ignoring" and "Leaving With bullies he knew were not dangerous, he "Looked The Look”. Quickly but not hurriedly packed up his belongings, held his head up high, looked straight ahead, and walked away from trouble confidently. He also ignored the comments the bullies were making