Bullying: The COOL Response

The COOL (Assertive) Response to Bullying

Assertive or "COOL" responses to bullying involve acting self-confident, deciding if the bully is dangerous, trying to reason with the bully by "Talking The Talk" or "Walking The Walk" (if he/she is not dangerous) or "Leaving and Getting Help" if he/she is dangerous. Assertive responses include:

Looking COOL

Detached, non-threatening demeanor:

1. Calming down by:
1. Taking time to gain composure, i.e., pausing to turn, lo and/or step away
2. Taking deep breaths, and by performing other "settling) behaviors (stretching, running hands through hair, etc.)
2. Assuming a non-aggressive but confident facial expression (no smiling, no looks of fear or sadness)
3. Giving no eye contact unless it's necessary to talk, then maintaining good eye contact when talking and listening
4. Walking and moving the body in a confident, self-assured manner, and with a purpose/destination in mind.

Thinking COOL

"Non-blaming Perceiving Style" with statements such as;

1. "How can I solve the problem?"
2. Decide if the bully is dangerous.

Can I get hurt?" Probably not if the following exists:

1. The bully is alone (not supported by other bullies or trying to look good" for someone else.)
2. The bully is known by the person being bullied.
3. The bully does not have a history of physical violence.
4. The potential of the bully to seriously hurt the "bullee" is small, i.e. the bully is not carrying a weapon, is not much larger, much older, etc.
5. The bully is not on alcohol or drugs.

If the Bully is Not Dangerous:

Self-talk #1:

"This bully's got a problem. He doesn't like himself. If he did, he wouldn't bully me. He's trying to feel bigger by making me feel smaller. I’m going to stay calm, COOL and ignore him if I can." Bullies usually don't want to fight. If you confront them, they'll usually leave you alone and try someone else who's easier to intimidate. Remember, though, it is "better to be safe than sorry," if you are not sure about the bully. Act COOL by "Leaving."

Self-talk #2:

"My friend wants me to do something I don't want to do. Is that what a real friend does? I don't think so. I'm going to say calm and act COOL by telling her how she's making me feel, using the 4-Step Assertion Plan." Remember, bullies can't pressure or intimidate you if you don't let them.

If the Bully Is Dangerous (or you are unsure):

We recommend not confronting the bully by Talking The Talk," "Walking The Walk" or using "Peer Pressure Refusal Skills." Instead, "Leave and Get Help." Self-talk: "This person is dangerous. I'm not going to get hurt playing his game. I'm getting out of here and getting help if I need it"

Acting COOL

There are three different ways to act COOL once you have determined that the bully is not dangerous.

1. "Look The Look" (Anti-Victim Strategies)

Refers to assuming an anti-victim demeanor. Not looking like a victim is the first defense against bullying. If you don't look like a victim, the Dully will probably leave you alone and look for someone who does. "Look the Look" is usually used with those we do not want to have a relationship with and with whom we want simply to avoid. The "Look The Look" process involves:

1. A "soldier body"-head up, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead.
2. A serious, unconcerned facial expression.
3. A firm voice that is calm, strong and serious
4. lgnoring the bully. Not looking at or talking to the bully. Walking quickly away and doing something else; walking as it you have someplace to go.

If you can't or don't want to ignore the bully (as in the case of a friend applying peer pressure), stand your ground by "Talking the Talk" or Walking the Walk."

2. The Talk/Walk The Walk

Refers to assuming an anti-victim demeanor and refusing to be intimidated. "Talk The Talk is verbally confronting the bully, using the 4-Step Assertion Plan. "Talk The Talk" is most often used with someone we have a relationship with and who cares how their behavior affects Us.

The Talk The Talk" process involves:

1. Using a calm voice and talking in private if possible.
2. Using the 4-Step Assertion Plan:
3. Tell the bully what you don't like.

I don't like you pressuring me to do something I don't want to do."

4. Tell the bully how his/her behavior makes you feel.

"It makes me feel angry that you won't listen to me."

5. Tell the bully what behavior you want.

“I want you to let me make up my own mind"

6. If you don't get agreement, tell the bully what will happen if you can't work things out.

"Okay...can you let me do that?"

If the bully does not agree to this, then "Walk The Walk "

If you keep bullying me, I won't want to be with you."

OR

"If you can’t stop bullying me, I'm going to have to get help."

The bully will usually comply with the request if they do care about your feelings). However, if an agreement is not reached, further action is needed to back up your words. The "Walk The Walk" process tells the bully what will happen if the bullying behavior does not stop. It is a final statement issued that will either threaten to withdraw the relationship ('I won't want to be around you.") or threaten to involve an authority figure for help (1 will have to go to the principal if you do not stop harassing me."). Although "Walk The Walk" is usually used with people you don't have a personal relationship with, it may be necessary to use with anyone if the bullying does not stop

The "Walk The Walk" (using a threat) process involves:

7. Asking to talk in private if possible.
8. Assuming an "Anti-Victim demeanor by:
• A "soldier body - head up, shoulders back
• A serious, unconcerned facial expression.
• A firm voice that is calm, neutral (not angry) and serious
• Looking directly at the bully
• Not calling names or otherwise acting like you do not respect the bully.
9. Using a threat:

Tell the bully what will happen if he/she does not stop (go to authority for help.

I’m not going to fight you, but if you don't stop, I’ll be forced to go to the principal.

If the bully does not respond to the threat, do not fight. "Leave and Get Help." It's okay to get help if someone is treating you unfairly and won't stop.

3. Peer Pressure Refusal Skills"

In addition to the 4-Step Assertion Plan, "refusal skills" can also be used to counter bullying, especially when the bullying is in the form of peer pressure

Peer pressure refusal skills involve:

1. Saying "no" in a strong and firm voice
2. Body language that conveys "no"
• Shaking your head back and forth
• Using your hands to emphasize "no"
• Folding your arms across your chest
• keeping your body firm and rigid.
3. Repeating "no" as often as necessary ("Broken Record" Technique)
4. Offering reasons for refusal that do not anger or put the bully on the defensive
5. Suggesting an alternative action ("Let's just go get something to eat instead.") or walking away (I don't want to drink, so I’ll catch up with you later.)

Benefits of the COOL (Assertive) Response

Benefits of cool responses to bullying include: maintaining your right to act as you choose, extinguishing (stopping) bullying behavior towards you, (the bully will likely go on to someone he can intimidate more easily), improved self-esteem, and protecting yourself from physical injury.

Additional Notes

Relearning a new skill: Det the students know they may not always BeCool when they are first learning how to deal with difficult people - their voices may shake, or they may forget what to do. But by practicing they will learn How to BeCool. People fall down when they are first learning to ride a bicycle or to roller skate but they keep trying until it becomes easy. Keep trying the BeCool responses, they will become easy and feel natural. The more frequently you provide students with related activities (role play, describing a personal experience, identifying situations in stories, etc.), the more likely they will be to incorporate the BeCool response in their daily interactions.

Empowerment: Learning to BeCool empowers (gives the power to) the students to take charge of their own responses, behaviors, and habits. Most people do not realize they have a choice, that they can choose a response to a difficult situation rather than reacting to it.

Long-term vs. short-term payoff: People often have either HOT (aggressive, angry) or COLD (passive, withdrawing) reactions without thinking of the long-term effects. During the guided discussion, point out to students that even though reacting in a HOT or COLD manner may sometimes feel good in the moment, it will not help them get what they really want in their lives, i.e., intimacy, high self-regard, friendships, job stability, etc.

Everyday application: You will find many opportunities during the day to use the BeCool process. For instance, when there is a conflict, you might ask, "Is that a HOT or COLD or COOL response? What is a COOL response you could have to this situation?" In classroom discussions of a variety of topics (current events, literature, etc.), students can point out people who used these responses and the consequences