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Teasing: The COOL Response

The COOL (Assertive) Response to Teasing

Assertive or "COOL" responses to teasing involve relaxed body posture, calm voice, and demeanor, "laughing" if the teasing is friendly or "ignoring," "changing the subject" or "asking the teaser to stop" if the teasing is hurtful, Specific assertive responses are described below.

Looking COOL:

Detached, Non-Threatening Demeanor:

  1. Calming down by taking deep breaths, relaxing muscles, and getting comfortable by performing "settling" behaviors, i.e., counting to ten backward, thinking about something relaxing, stretching, etc.
  2. Assuming a nonaggressive, attentive facial expression (no smiling).
  3. Assuming an erect posture that faces the teaser (unless ignoring).
  4. Speaking with a calm but serious tone of voice; voice volume should be normal.
  5. Maintaining good eye contact when talking and listening.
(See “
(See “Appendix” for full page version of icons for use in the classroom.)

Thinking COOL:

"Non-blaming Perceiving Style" with statements such as:

  1. "How can I solve the problem?"
  2. "Stay calm. This could happen to anyone," etc.
  3. Decide on a course of action:
    • Ignoring It
    • Laughing It Off
    • Changing The Subject
    • Asking the Teaser to Stop (using 4-step Assertion Plan)

Acting COOL:

Behavior that asserts rights with respect and fairness. There are four different ways to act COOL when you are teased.

  1. "Ignore It"

    2. "Ignoring the Teaser" is usually the best, first response to teasing. Assume a disinterested demeanor and ignore the teaser. Do not look at or talk to the teaser. Walk away. Keep ignoring. The teaser may try even harder to get a response and may continue to tease for a few minutes. Note: This response is the only response recommended for responding to teasing from strangers.

  2. "Laugh It Off"

    3. Smile at teaser and/or laugh with the teaser to show you are able to "laugh at yourself." But don't overdo it. Laugh and agree with the teaser. Dismiss the remark and say, "Very funny."

    Optional: Make a comment that adds humor.

  3. "Change The Subject"

    4. Using a calm voice, changing the conversation, or doing something to distract attention from yourself can be very effective in coping with teasing. It can also be effective to talk about something that the teaser is interested in or to suggest or start another activity.

  4. "Ask The Teaser To Stop"
    • Use a calm, but firm voice and speak to the teaser in a private place.
    • Use the 4-Step Assertion Plan:
    • Tell what you don't like:

      • "I don't like it when you make fun of me."

    • Tell how it makes you feel:

      • "It embarrasses me and makes me feel stupid."

    • Tell what you would like:

      • "Please stop."

    • If you don't get to an agreement, tell what will happen if you can't work things out.

      • "Can you do that?"

      (If you don't get agreement) "Because if you don't stop teasing me, I won't want to hang around with you."

Benefits of the COOL (Assertive) Response

Benefits of assertive responses to teasing include: the teasing stops, anxiety is reduced, peer relationships are improved, empowerment and self-esteem are enhanced.

Additional Notes

Relearning a new skill: Let the students know they may not always BeCool when they are first learning how to deal with difficult people-- their voices may shake, or they may forget what to do. People fall down when they are first learning to ride a bicycle or to roller skate, they keep trying until it becomes easy. Keep trying the BeCool responses; they will become easy and feel natural. Providing a variety of activities, such as roleplay, presenting a BeCool skit, small group discussion, etc. will all help students increase their comfort and skill level with a BeCool response.

Empowerment: Learning to BeCool empowers (gives the power to) the students to take charge of their own responses, behaviors and habits. Most people do not realize they have a choice, that they can choose a response to a difficult situation, rather than merely reacting.

Long-term vs. short-term payoff: People often have either HOT (aggressive, angry) or COLD (passive, withdrawing) reactions without thinking of the long-term effects. During the guided discussion, point out to students that even though reacting HOT or COLD may feel good at the moment, in the long-term, it will not help them get what they really want in their lives, i.e., friendships, respect, job stability, etc.

Everyday application: You will find many opportunities during the day to use the BeCool process. For instance, when there is a conflict, you might ask, "Is that a HOT, COLD or COOL response?" "What is a COOL response you could have to this situation?" In classroom discussions of a variety of topics (current events, literature, etc.), students can point out people who used these responses and the consequences. It is important to acknowledge that an appropriate "COOL" response does not always result in the desired short-term goal (in this case, to get the teasing to stop). However, the long-term benefits experienced from being COOL in a difficult situation (self-respect, empowerment, stress reduction, etc.) can, nonetheless, be strengthened.