▶️ Start the video. Start Teasing, Part 2 - "Ask To Stop"
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the COLD Response.
The COLD Response
Let's check out Josb's COLD reaction. How did he LOOK COLD?
He avoided eye contact. Frozen, rigid body language. Sad facial expression. Downturned mouth. Quivering lips.
How did he THINK COLD?
He felt like a victim and blamed himself, seeing himself as a complete loser. He took the teasing personally, feeling absolutely inadequate as a person because of his undeveloped muscles, his inexperience as a weightlifter, and his inability to deal with a teaser.
How did he ACT COLD?
By saying nothing and trying to ignore Tyler, he went along with the hurtful teasing. He meekly lifted the donuts, subjecting himself to public humiliation. He shook his head out of self-loathing. He gave up and fled from the situation to avoid the teasing.
Did Tyler do or say anything that caused Josh's COLD reaction?
Tyler insulted Josh's biceps, making him feel inadequate. Through his loud and mock theatrical tone of voice, Tyler created a spectacle and made Josh the laughingstock of the entire group. So Josh had some justification for feeling personally attacked and wanting to flee. But even though his COLD reaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate relief, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Did Josh lose control of his feelings? How did his lack of control work against him?
Josh lost control of his feelings by letting his shame, embarrassment and sense of humiliation paralyze him and render him impotent. He also lost control of his feelings by stuffing them and trying to ignore them. By losing control of his feelings, he lost control of the situation. He had no power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Josb's COLD reaction work? Why not?
Josh looked, thought and acted like a passive, self-loathing victim. Because the COLD reaction-simply taking the disrespectful treatment- made him look weak, the number of teasers multiplied, the teasers grew more confident and the teasing intensified. By wallowing in self-loathing, Josh revealed to the group the degree to which he saw himself as a hopeless loser with no self-respect, making them lose respect for him. When he ran away, he lost even more respect and confirmed their opinion that he was a wimp and a coward. Instead of making the teasing stop, Josh's COLD reaction only left him feeling upset, angry, embarrassed and frustrated. He boxed himself into a corner where he won't be able to return to the gym and learn the weightlifting techniques he wants to master in order to build up his body.
Josh's COLD reaction may have actually been an attempt to manipulate Tyler and the others. Perhaps a COLD reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Josh may have been trying to get Tyler to feel sorry for him, thinking that Tyler would go easier on him out of pity or sympathy. He may have also thought that acting like a victim would make another victim-type in the gym want to be his friend. But friends are rarely earned by coming across as someone with no self-esteem. Friends are drawn to people who respect themselves. And no coach wants to work with someone whose self-esteem is so fragile that they have to lower their expectations and constantly walk on eggshells for fear of damaging the person's delicate ego.
COLD Review
A COLD reaction didn't stop the teasing at all. Josh became upset and defensive and felt sorry for himself. Acting like a victim only made Tyler tease him more.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the HOT Response.
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the HOT Response.
The HOT Response
Let's check out Josh's HOT reaction. How did he LOOK HOT?
Standing up in an aggressive, confrontational posture, angry face, tense facial muscles, eyes squinting and flashing contemptuously.
How did he THINK HOT?
He blamed Tyler for his discomfort. He took the teasing personally by seeing it as a personal attack by a stranger who only cared about putting him down and making a fool out of him.
How did be ACT HOT?
He spoke in a hostile, threatening tone of voice. He raised the volume and the pitch of his voice. He told Tyler to lay off and refused to listen to Tyler's explanation. Then he angrily pushed the coach's hand off his shoulder and rebuffed his friendly attempts to peacefully resolve the situation.
Did Tyler do or say anything that caused Josb's HOT reaction?
Tyler's humiliating and scornful treatment may have inadvertently hit a "hot button" of Josh's by threatening his manhood in front of his peers. So Josh had some justification for feeling personally attacked and reacting so strongly. But even though his overreaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate satisfaction, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Was Josh in control of his feelings? If not, bow did bis lack of control work against him?
Josh lost control of his angry, hostile feelings for Tyler. By losing control, he couldn't hear Tyler telling him that he was only kidding. Josh was too self-centered and felt too threatened to care about listening. All he cared about was salvaging his image through a show of indignation, By losing control of his feelings, he lost control of the situation; he had no power to guide it to a productive outcome.
Did Josb's HOT reaction work? Why not?
At first, it seemed that it did work. It got the teasing to stop. Josh may have gotten some temporary relief by venting his anger. And by creating such a fuss, he got the coach to intervene and discipline Tyler. But then Josh was so out of control of his anger that he alienated the peace-seeking coach, who began on Josh's side and ended up thinking that Josh was probably too emotionally immature for the gym. Josh's temporary feeling of relief for venting his anger and indignation was replaced by a sense of rejection and alienation as someone who is a social misfit because he can't control his temper. As with the COLD reaction, Josh has boxed himself into a corner where he won't be able to return to the gym and learn the weightlifting techniques he wants to master.
Perhaps a HOT reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Josh may have thought that acting macho would impress Tyler, the coach or the others in the gym. But once temper is unleashed, it is difficult to control and can backfire on you just as it did on Josh.
HOT Review
That HOT reaction stopped the teasing, but now everyone thinks Josh is a hothead. Was that the impression he wanted to leave with them? This time, let's see Josh BeCool.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the COOL Response and to the end.
The COOL Response
Now let's check out Josh's COOL reaction. How did he LOOK COOL?
First, he feels himself getting angry, so he takes a moment to calm down and relax his body. His facial expression is thoughtful and serious. He maintains steady eye contact when he talks and listens to Tyler.
How did he THINK COOL?
Instead of fixing blame, either on himself or on Tyler, he focuses on fixing the problem. He uses positive self-talk and resolves to BeCool while he figures out what to do. He begins by objectively assessing the situation and concluding that he doesn't have to freak out just because he's being teased. By seeing the situation realistically,
Josh does NOT take the teasing personally. Then he rationally thinks through the consequences of reacting in a COLD or HOT way. He realizes that these courses of action will not solve the problem. He decides that his best approach is to BeCool and use the 4-Step Assertion Plan.
As before, emphasize to students that the BeCool approach is all about being aware of our choices-not only how we look and act, but how we think. Make sure students understand that how we think is a choice we make, and that this choice directly influences how we look and act, how we interact with others, and how others interact with us. To get the outcomes we want with others, especially with difficult people, it's vital that we think cool to make sure that our appearance and actions are cool as well. Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before taking action will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives.
How did he ACT COOL?
He talks to Tyler one-on-one in private in a firm but friendly voice. He asks Tyler to sit down with him so that they are both on the same level. He smiles to lighten the mood and to help himself and Tyler relax. He uses the 4-Step Assertion Plan in working through the problem with Tyler:
- Tell what behavior you don't like.
- Tell how the behavior makes you feel.
- Tell what behavior you want instead.
- If you don't get an agreement, tell what will happen if you can't work things out.
Josh tells Tyler that he doesn't like the way Tyler is putting him down.
Josh tells Tyler that his teasing makes Josh feel like quitting.
Josh asks Tyler if they can just cut the jokes and get on with the evaluation
Josh tries to reach an agreement with Tyler. But when Tyler resists, Josh tells him that if he doesn't stop teasing, Josh will have to go to the coach.
Emphasize to students that the first goal always is to try to get an agreement. Issuing an ultimatum can make the other person defensive and can escalate the situation or create a stalemate. This is why it should be done only as a last resort. But an ultimatum shouldn't be avoided if it is necessary. With some teasers, it is the only way to make them see that you mean business and that you are willing to do what it takes to stop the unwanted behavior.
Did Josh maintain control of his feelings? How did his control work in his favor?
By keeping his mind clear, Josh maintains control of his feelings. By staying in control of his feelings, he stays in control of the situation. He can see objectively that Tyler's teasing is something he does out of boredom and to entertain himself. It has nothing to do with Josh; it's simply the way Tyler acts with all novices in the gym and therefore is nothing to be taken personally. By staying focused on his goal, Josh can avoid taking the teasing personally and reacting emotionally to it. He has the power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Josh's COOL reaction work? Why?
By calmly thinking through his options, Josh knows he's selected the best course of action. This all-important confidence boosts his chances of pulling off a successful resolution. By staying COOL, Josh is able to make the teasing stop in a way that maintains his own self-respect and shows respect for Tyler. He doesn't look like a wimp or a jerk in front of the group, nor does he try to make Tyler back down in front of his peers. Josh calmly and reasonably makes Tyler see that he is serious about weightlifting and that it is in Tyler's best interests to stop teasing and focus on the task at hand. Through his calm but firm approach, Josh earns Tyler's respect. Now he can still have fun with Josh, but this time they're laughing together instead of Josh being the reluctant brunt of Tyler's hurtful teasing. Josh feels good about himself because he has gotten what he wants and now he has a skilled ally and mentor to learn from. Josh's productive relationship with Tyler is demonstrated during the video's closing credits.
What did Josh do when the cool reaction didn't work?
In the replay, we see that Tyler doesn't back down when Josh uses the 4-Step Assertion Plan. Have students discuss how this may be the case in real life. Have them discuss instances when they've responded to teasing in a cool way similar to what Josh did, but even the right reaction didn't work. Note that when Josh realized that Tyler wasn't going to change his behavior, Josh removed himself from an unworkable situation. Tell students that some people's teasing will not be stopped by BeCool techniques or any other response. These people have personal problems and act the same way with most people. They should be avoided if possible. Students should realize that the teasing of these people should not be taken personally. Again, if their teasing becomes a serious ongoing problem, students should go to an authority figure for help.
As in previous lessons, bring out the point that the cool reaction may not always work. But invariably it has a better chance of working than a cold or a hot reaction does. Emphasize also that none of us needs to put up with persistent or abusive teasing or an abusive relationship, with an authority figure, a classmate, a parent, or anyone in the community. We all have choices and resources available to help us in dealing with situations that are abusive or potentially abusive. For instance, Josh still has the option of going to the coach or some other higher authority to seek a solution. Finally, emphasize again that a cool reaction is always self-rewarding, regardless of how a specific situation resolves itself. That is, it's always satisfying to maintain control of your feelings, to assert yourself calmly and reasonably instead of caving in, or blowing up, or allowing yourself to be victimized. When we look, think and act in a way that maintains our dignity and self-respect, no one can take this reward of enhanced self-esteem away from us.
Summary "Ask The Teaser To Stop"
Josh wasn't willing to "ignore," "laugh it off" or "change the subject," so he "ask the teaser to stop." He expressed himself using the 4-Step Plan and Tyler backed off.