▶️ Start the video. Start Teasing, Part 1 - "Ignore"
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the COLD Response.
The COLD Response
Let's check out Tony's COLD reaction. How did he LOOK COLD?
He cowered against the chalkboard; he appeared almost to be trying to melt into it out of shame and embarrassment. His eyes were downcast, he avoided eye contact. Shoulders slumped. Sad facial expression. Downturned mouth.
How did he THINK COLD?
He felt like a victim and blamed himself, seeing himself as a complete loser. He took the teasing personally, feeling absolutely inadequate as a person, instead of simply having made a common mistake.
How did he ACT COLD?
Whiny, uncertain, subdued tone of voice. Timid, hesitant speech pattern. Shaking his head out of self-loathing. He gave up and fled from the situation to avoid the teasing.
Did his classmates do or say anything that caused Tony's COLD reaction?
Although their teasing was mostly good-natured, one girl suggested he may have been "trying to tell Lisa how he really feels" with his fly undone. The sexual innuendo in this comment literally hit a little below the belt, especially if Tony was shy and had a secret crush on Lisa. So Tony had some justification for feeling personally attacked and wanting to flee. But even though his COLD reaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate relief, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Did Tony lose control of his feelings? How did his lack of control work against him?
Tony lost control of his feelings by letting his shame and embarrassment blow some good-natured teasing way out of proportion. By losing control of his feelings, he lost control of the situation. He had no power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Tony's COLD reaction work? Why not?
Tony looked, thought and acted like a passive, self-loathing victim. Because the COLD reaction made him look weak, the teasers grew more confident and the teasing intensified. By wallowing in self-loathing, Tony revealed to his friends the degree to which he saw himself as a hopeless loser, making them lose respect for him. When he ran away, he lost even more respect and possibly lost his friends. He may have even lost a potential girlfriend since Lisa appeared to like him and wanted to make up, but he wouldn't let her. Instead of making the teasing stop, Tony's COLD reaction only left him feeling sad, angry, embarrassed, and frustrated.
Tony's COLD reaction may have actually been an attempt to manipulate his friends. Perhaps a COLD reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Tony may have been trying to get his classmates to feel sorry for him, thinking that they would want to be his friend out of pity or sympathy. His sad performance may have also been an attempt to find out how much Lisa cared for him. But friends or girlfriends are rarely earned by coming across as someone with no self-esteem. Friends and girlfriends are drawn to people who respect themselves. People resent attempts to manipulate them, which is why attempted manipulation often backfires, blowing people away instead of drawing them closer.
Optional
Teaching the symbol for COLD
Discuss the use of "blue ice" as a symbol of acting COLD. The person who is COLD is withdrawn, depressed, hard to talk to, and not interested in working things out. The person "chills" interaction and "freezes" any opportunity for problem-solving. One way to remember what a COLD response is like, is to remember the color of "blue ice." Click here for more information about the BeCool Teaching Icons.
COLD Review
When you run away from a problem, that's called being COLD. You may feel better for a little while, but it doesn't really help you to solve your problem or change your situation for the better. The COLD reaction didn't stop the teasing and didn't help Tony feel good about himself.
Optional Discussion:
Review specific behaviors associated with LOOKING COLD, THINKING COLD and ACTING COLD and why the COLD response is ineffective (see Teasing Reaction Summary)
▶️ Resume playing the video through to the HOT Response.
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the HOT Response.
The HOT Response
Let's check out Tony's HOT reaction. How did be LOOK HOT?
Leaning forward aggressively, angry, sneering face, tense facial muscles, eyes flashing back and forth among his tormentors, glaring eye contact. In contrast to the COLD reaction, where he seemed to be trying to melt into the chalkboard, in the HOT reaction he looked more like a surrounded, cornered animal, dangerous and ready to strike.
How did be THINK HOT?
He blamed the teasers, thinking of them as stupid, pathetic fools who were inferior to him in every way. He took the teasing personally by seeing it as a personal attack by people who hated him.
How did be ACT HOT?
He spoke in a hostile, threatening, insulting tone of voice. He raised the volume and the pitch of his voice. He insulted Duane and put him on the defensive by attacking him personally.
Did his friends do or say anything that caused Tony's HOT reaction?
By joking about his boxer shorts and hinting at his feelings for Lisa, the teasers may have inadvertently hit a "hot button" of Tony's by threatening his manhood. And when they saw how upset Tony was, instead of backing off they came on even stronger. So Tony had some justification for feeling personally attacked and reacting so strongly. But even though his overreaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate satisfaction, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Was Tony in control of his feelings? If not, how did his lack of control work against him?
Tony lost control of his angry, hostile feelings for the teasers. By losing control, he couldn't hear them telling him that they were only kidding. He was too self-centered and felt too threatened to care about listening He no longer could see that these were really his friends. All he cared about was getting even and salvaging his image through a show of force. By losing control of his feelings, he lost control of the situation; he had no power to guide it to a productive outcome.
Did Tony's HOT reaction work? Why not?
Sure, he may have gotten some temporary relief by venting his anger. But by escalating the situation, Tony lost the respect of his friends and forced Duane to fight him. This left Tony feeling alienated, friendless, full of rage and possibly hurt physically. Fighting may also get him in trouble at school or with his parents.
Perhaps a HOT reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Tony may have thought that acting macho would impress Lisa or gain Duane's respect. But acting tough or trying to humiliate a teaser can easily backfire. It merely forces the teaser to respond in kind, and often pushes a situation past the point of no return to where a fight becomes inevitable.
Optional
Teaching the symbol for HOT
Discuss the use of "red fire" as a symbol of acting HOT. The person who is HOT, is angry, out of control, hurtful and not interested in working things out. The fiery HOT response "inflames" interaction. When people are HOT, they tend to "act out" and their behavior is explosive and destructive. One way to remember what a HOT response is like is to remember "red fire" and "explosions." When you react with anger, it doesn't fix your problem. You are so busy being mad, you can't think about how to make the situation better.
HOT Review
Being HOT didn't stop the teasing. It might make Tony feel better by telling his friends off, but in the end, it only created another the problem.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the COOL Response and to the end.
The COOL Response
Now let's check out Tony's COOL reaction. How did he LOOK COOL?
First, he feels himself getting angry, so he takes a moment to calm down and compose himself. He takes deep breaths to relax his body. His facial expression, posture and body language are casual, friendly, and relaxed. He smiles.
How did he THINK COOL?
Instead of fixing blame, either on himself or on the teasers, he focuses on fixing the problem. He uses positive self-talk and resolves to BeCool while he figures out what to do. He begins by objectively and unemotionally analyzing why his friends are teasing him. He realizes that they're really his friends, but they just can't resist a laugh. By seeing the situation realistically, Tony does NOT take the teasing personally. Then he rationally thinks through the consequences of reacting in a COLD or HOT way. He realizes that these courses of action will not solve the problem. He decides that his best approach is to BeCool and simply ignore the teasing. As before, emphasize to students that the BeCool approach is all about being aware of our choices-not only how we look and act, but how we think. Make sure students understand that how we think is a choice we make, and that this choice directly influences how we look and act, how we interact with others, and how others interact with us. To get the outcomes we want with others, especially with difficult people, it's vital that we think cool to make sure that our appearance and actions are cool as well. Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before taking action will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives.
How did be ACT COOL?
Tony discovers that ignoring the teasers doesn't stop the teasing. Then he tries laughing it off by making a few jokes and laughing along with them. Then he changes the subject to another class.
Did Tony maintain control of his feelings? How did his control work in his favor?
By keeping his mind clear, Tony maintains control of his feelings. By staying in control of his feelings, he stays in control of the situation. He can see objectively that his classmates' teasing is something they do with all their friends and therefore is nothing to be taken personally. By staying focused on his goal, he can avoid taking the teasing personally and reacting emotionally to it. He has the power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Tony's COOL reaction work? Why?
By calmly thinking through his options, Tony knows he's selected the best course of action. This all-important confidence boosts his chances of pulling off a successful resolution. By staying COOL, Tony is able to keep his wits about him and try different strategies until he finds an approach that makes the teasing stop. By laughing and playing along with the teasing, he shows his friends that he is secure enough in himself to recognize their playful teasing for the innocent fun it is and not be threatened by it. Once he made this point, they were disarmed; there was no more reason to continue the teasing. As a result, Tony maintains his self-respect and earns respect from his friends. Who knows... maybe this skillful, mature and positive resolution of the situation will even give him the extra confidence he needs to ask Lisa if she wants to get together!
What should Tony do if the COOL reaction didn't work?
Give students an opportunity to discuss whether they think Tony's cool reaction resolved the situation in a way that was unrealistic, too pat or too simplistic. Have them discuss instances when they've responded to teasing in a cool way, but even the right reaction didn't work. Explain that in the next lesson they'll learn how to deal with teasing that's a little more serious and persistent than what was shown and discussed in this lesson. Tell students that some people's teasing will not be stopped by BeCool techniques or any other response. These people have personal problems and act the same way with most people. They should be avoided if possible. Students should realize that the teasing of these people should not be taken personally. Again, if their teasing becomes a serious ongoing problem, students should go to an authority figure for help.
As in previous lessons, bring out the point that the cool reaction may not always work. But invariably it has a better chance of working than a cold or a hot reaction does. Emphasize also that none of us needs to put up with persistent or abusive teasing or an abusive relationship, with an authority figure, a classmate, a parent, or anyone in the community. We all have choices and resources available to help us in dealing with situations that are abusive or potentially abusive. Finally, emphasize again that a cool reaction is always self-rewarding, regardless of how a specific situation resolves itself. That is, it's always satisfying to maintain control of your feelings, to assert yourself calmly and reasonably instead of caving in or blowing up or allowing yourself to be victimized. When we look, think and act in a way that maintains our dignity and self-respect, no one can take this reward of enhanced self-esteem away from us.
Optional
Teaching the symbols for COOL
Discuss the use of "neutral color," "clouds," and "sunglasses" as symbols your students can use to remind themselves of a "cool state of consciousness" and to act COOL. The person who is COOL is calm, reflective, approachable, and interested in working things out. The COOL response brings calmness to potentially stormy interactions. As "neutrality in color," "clouds," and "sunglasses" are associated with calm and control, the COOL response has the effect of promoting accord and trust in human relationships.
Summary - "Ignore/Laugh It Off/Change The Subject"
Tony managed to turn a really embarrassing situation into one where he gained respect from his friends. Remember... when someone is teasing you, it's no big deal. Just BeCool, and try to "ignore" them. If that doesn't work out, "laugh it off" and "change the subject." You will feel proud of yourself for staying COOL in a difficult situation.