▶️ Start the video. Criticism, Part 2 - "Explain Your Side"
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the COLD Response
The COLD Response
Let's check out Trey's COLD reaction. How did he LOOK COLD?
His eyes were downcast, he avoided eye contact. Shoulders slumped. Sad facial expression. Downturned mouth. Totally resigned, deflated, sagging posture.
How did he THINK COLD?
He felt he couldn't talk to his Mom, so he didn't really try, even though her criticism was unfair. When she called him a spoiled, selfish liar, he made only a weak attempt to refute her. He showed that he blamed himself by being willing to accept these blanket characterizations of himself. He took his Mom's criticism personally, feeling rejected and unacceptable as a person, instead of simply being criticized for some specific behavior. He felt like a victim.
How was ACT COLD?
The whiny tone of voice. Timid, hesitant speech pattern. He gave up and withdrew from the situation without clearly explaining his side of the story.
Did his Mom do or say anything that caused Trey's COLD reaction?
His Mom came on really heavy, using demeaning, belittling language and accusing him of lying for no good reason. She closed him off when he tried to explain, she was impatient and wasn't interested in a dialogue. So Trey had some justification for feeling personally attacked and giving up. But even though his COLD reaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate satisfaction, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Did Trey lose control of his feelings? How did his lack of control work against him?
Trey lost control of his feelings by being so intimidated and depressed. This caused him to freeze up, clam up and give up. By losing control of his feelings, he lost control of the situation. He had no power to guide the situation to a productive outcome.
Did Trey's COLD reaction work? Why not?
Trey looked, thought and acted like a passive, hopeless victim. As a result, he simply accepted unfair criticism and withdrew from the situation. He failed to assert himself by explaining his side of the story. His whining and self-pity just seemed to make his Mom more annoyed and made her lose respect for Trey. The COLD reaction convinced his Mom that she was right to send him to his room. By stuffing his feelings, he ended up feeling hurt, misunderstood and wrongly judged.
Trey's COLD reaction may have actually been an attempt to manipulate his Mom. Perhaps a COLD reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Trey may have been trying to get his Mom to feel sorry for him as a way of not having to deal with the criticism, or of avoiding being disciplined or punished. It may also have been an attempt to get his Mom to feel guilty for treating him so unfairly. But attempts to manipulate people are often more transparent than we think, especially when the other person is our mother or someone else who knows us well. People resent attempts to manipulate them, which is why attempted manipulation often backfires, resulting in discipline or punishment even more severe than it would have otherwise been.
COLD Review
Trey gave in to her hurtful criticism. He didn't "explain his side." The cold reaction didn't stop the unfair criticism and it made Trey look like he was selfish and inconsiderate.
▶️ Resume playing the video through to the HOT Response.
⏸️ Stop the video at the pause for discussion of the HOT Response.
The HOT Response
Let's check out Trey's HOT reaction. How did he LOOK HOT?
Leaning forward aggressively, angry, sneering face, tense facial muscles, squinting eyes, piercing eye contact.
How did he THINK HOT?
He blamed his mom and rigidly denied that he did anything wrong. He took his Mom's criticism personally by thinking that his personal integrity was under attack. By thinking this way, he escalated a simple criticism-however unfair it may have been- into a personal battle with his Mom.
How did be ACT HOT?
He insulted his Mom's dinner and put her on the defensive by accusing her of screwing up and having an attitude. He spoke in a hostile, accusatory tone of voice. He raised the volume and the pitch of his voice. He bounced the ball, which threatened and angered his Mom even more. Then he threw the ball, which was the final straw for his Mom and which confirmed that he had given up on the situation.
Did his Mom do or say anything that caused Trey's HOT reaction?
His Mom came on really heavy, using demeaning, belittling language and accusing him of lying for no good reason. She egged Trey on by arguing back instead of trying to listen to his side of the story. So Trey had some justification for feeling personally attacked and reacting so strongly. But even though his overreaction may have been somewhat justified and given him some immediate satisfaction, it worked against him in the long run (for reasons that the following questions will identify).
Was Trey in control of his feelings? If not, how did his lack of control work against him?
Trey lost control of his angry, hostile feelings for his Mom. By losing control, he no longer cared about explaining his side or trying to understand why his Mom was so upset. He was too self-centered to care about listening. By losing control of his feelings, he lost control of the situation; he had no power to guide it to a productive outcome. Again, venting hostility may feel good momentarily (release of tension, satisfy indignation, etc.), but in the long run it usually makes a problem worse, not better. It can also damage or destroy relationships with friends or family members. Finally, the person often feels a remorseful "hangover" after losing control.
Did Trey's HOT reaction work? Why not?
Sure, he succeeded in telling his Mom how he felt, and he may have gotten some temporary relief by venting his anger. But by escalating the situation, Trey shut off any possibility for fruitful communication with his Mom by backing her into a corner. He forced her to exercise her authority, which any parent has over their children. And she used it to punish him in a way that was more severe than she originally intended. Not only will he miss dinner, but he'll be grounded for some time. His HOT reaction convinced her that he really needed to be taught a lasting lesson.
Perhaps a HOT reaction has worked for him before, so he thought it was worth trying again. For instance, Trey may have thought that intimidating his Mom would be a good way of not having to deal with the criticism, or of avoiding being disciplined or punished. He may have thought he could gain an advantage by showing his Mom not to mess with him. And he may have enjoyed showing off and acting macho for his little brother. But acting tough at the expense of a parent or another authority figure is bound to backfire. It never gains their respect or helps resolve the situation. It merely forces them to exercise their authority.
HOT Review
Trey's HOT reaction just fueled Mom's anger even more. Now he won't get a chance to "explain his side" for a while. Trey needs to tell Mom how he feels, but there's a much better way of doing it.
▶️ Resume playing the video through the COOL Response and to the end.
The COOL Response
Now let's check out Trey's COOL reaction. How did he LOOK COOL?
First, he feels himself getting angry, so he takes a moment to calm down and compose himself. He looks up and takes deep breaths to relax his body. He maintains steady, direct eye contact. His facial expression is non-threatening and sincere. He smiles.
How did he THINK COOL?
Instead of fixing blame, either on himself or on his mom, he focuses on fixing the problem. He begins by objectively and unemotionally reviewing the facts of the situation. He uses positive self-talk after concluding that he doesn't deserve to be punished. Then he rationally identifies what outcome he wants and determines that the best way of achieving it is to BeCool and explain his side of the story. As before, emphasize to students that the BeCool approach is all about being aware of our choices-not only how we look and act, but how we think. Make sure students understand that how we think is a choice we make and that this choice directly influences how we look and act, how we interact with others, and how others interact with us. To get the outcomes we want with others, especially with difficult people, it's vital that we think cool to make sure that our appearance and actions are cool as well. Remind students that taking time to think through the consequences of their behavior before taking action will empower them to have control of their emotions and their lives.
How did he ACT COOL?
His tone of voice is calm and assertive. He acknowledges that his Mom is upset, then he calmly and factually explains his side of the story in a way that she can hear and understand. Then he works together with his Mom to clarify exactly what went wrong and how to prevent similar misunderstandings in the future.
Did Trey maintain control of his feelings? How did his control work in his favor?
By keeping his mind clear, Trey maintains control of his feelings. By staying in control of his feelings, he stays in control of the situation. He can see objectively that his Mom's bad mood may have been caused by other factors, or that she has unfairly criticized his brother and others before. Therefore, he realizes that her criticism is nothing to be taken personally. By staying focused on his goal, he can avoid reacting emotionally to his Mom's unfair anger and criticism. He can get through to his Mom and make her see the facts of the situation. He has the power to guide the situation to a productive outcome. Emphasize again to students that controlling feelings doesn't mean hiding or denying them; it means calmly acknowledging and expressing them in a way that maintains control of the situation.
Did Trey's COOL reaction work? Why?
By calmly thinking through his options, Trey knows he's selected the best course of action. This all-important confidence boosts his chances of pulling off a successful resolution. Trey works collaboratively with his Mom to get to the bottom of the misunderstanding. He shows her respect and earns her respect with his cool, factual, problem-solving approach. By being reasonable and assertive, he gets his Mom to hear his side. And by being open and listening respectfully, he hears what she needs from him to prevent future problems. As a result, now they understand each other better and respect each other more than they did before. As a reward for Trey's COOL reaction, he avoids punishment and gets dessert.
What should Trey do if the COOL reaction didn't work?
Give students an opportunity to discuss whether they think Trey's cool reaction resolved the situation in a way that was unrealistic, too pat or too simplistic. Have them discuss instances when they've responded to unfair criticism in a cool way, but even the right reaction didn't work. Identify some of the options that Trey would have if this happened to him:
- For instance, he could try the cool approach of explaining his side at a later time, after his Mom has calmed down and is more receptive.
- Or, he could wait and see if his Mom's tendency to give unfair criticism is an ongoing pattern. If so, he could try talking to her in private about this recurring problem and seek a satisfactory solution.
- If this didn't work, then Trey would still have the option of going to a grandparent, a clergyman or a family friend that his Mom trusts to seek an intervention.
As in the first lesson, bring out the point that the cool reaction may not always work. But invariably it has a better chance of working than a cold or a hot reaction does. Emphasize also that none of us needs to put up with an abusive relationship, with an authority figure, a classmate, a parent, or anyone in the community. We all have choices and resources available to help us in dealing with situations that are abusive or potentially abusive. Finally, emphasize again that a cool reaction is always self-rewarding, regardless of how a specific situation resolves itself. That is, it's always satisfying to maintain control of your feelings, to assert yourself calmly and reasonably instead of caving in or blowing up or allowing yourself to be victimized. When we look, think and act in a way that maintains our dignity and self-respect, no one can take this reward of enhanced self-esteem away from us.
Summary - "Explain Your Side"
If someone criticizes you unfairly, stand up for yourself and "Explain Your Side" of things. Problems are always a lot easier to solve if you will just BeCool. Remind the students that even if it doesn't work out the way they want, they should feel good about standing up for themselves and staying COOL