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Criticism: The COOL Response

The COOL (Assertive) Response to Another's Criticism

Assertive or "COOL" responses to criticism teasing involve staying calm, agreeing to improve based on valid criticism, asking for clarification, if needed, explaining personal actions, and getting help if the criticism is excessive and invalid. Assertive responses include:

Looking COOL

Interested but detached Non-Threatening Demeanor:

  1. Take deep breaths.
  2. Stand or sit up straight.
  3. Look at the person when listening and talking.
  4. Happy or neutral facial expression.

Thinking COOL

"Non-blaming Perceiving Style" with statements such as:

  1. "What's the problem?"
  2. "Stay calm, listen to the criticism."
  3. I'm a good person; it's okay to make mistakes.
  4. "Is this valid or invalid criticism?
  5. "What do I need to do to improve?"
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(See “Appendix” for full page version of icons for use in the classroom.)

Acting COOL

Behavior that asserts rights with respect and fairness.

If the criticism is valid:

  1. Accept/Apologize: Listen to the other person's criticism. If you agree that the criticism is correct, then admit your actions were wrong and explain how you will behave differently in the future. (The "Accept/Apologize" method of acting COOL is not illustrated in this series.)

If you're not sure if the criticism is valid:

  1. Ask for Clarification/Accept: If you're not sure what the criticizer wants you to do, ask for an explanation. Listen to his/ her explanation. If, after further discussion, you think the criticism is valid, accept it and apologize if appropriate.

If you think the criticism is invalid:

  1. Explain Your Side:
    1. Express your interest in working things out.

      2. "I really want to work with you and do a good job."

    2. Explain your side.

      3. "But your criticism is unfair. You didn't tell me exactly what I was supposed to do and didn't take the time to answer my questions."

    3. Offer suggestions for improving/solving the problem.

      4. "If you take the time to answer my questions, I'm sure I'll be able to do the chore the way you want me to do it."

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Important Note: Remember, always talk to the person in private.

Benefits of the COOL (Assertive) Response

Benefits of cool, assertive responses to criticism include learning from mistakes, improving relationships, trying new activities, reducing criticism and feeling good about yourself. It is important to acknowledge that an appropriate COOL response does not always result in the desired short-term goal. However, the long-term benefits experienced from being COOL in a difficult situation (self-respect, empowerment, stress reduction, etc.) are nonetheless strengthened.

Additional Notes

Relearning a new skill: Let the students know they may not always BeCool when they are first learning how to deal with difficult people-- their voices may shake, or they may forget what to do. People fall down when they are first learning to ride a bicycle or to roller skate, but they keep trying until it becomes easy. Keep trying the BeCool responses; they will become easy and feel natural. The more practice you give students through activities such as roleplay, identifying and describing situations and responses, and reenacting personal experiences, the easier it will be for them to incorporate a BeCool response in their everyday interactions.

Empowerment: Learning to BeCool empowers (gives the power to) the students to take charge of their own responses, behaviors and habits. Most people do not realize they have a choice, that they can choose a response to a difficult situation, rather than merely reacting.

Long-term vs. short-term payoff: People often have either HOT (aggressive, angry) or COLD (passive, withdrawing) reactions without thinking of the long-term effects. During the guided discussion, point out to students that even though reacting HOT or COLD may feel good at the moment, in the long-term, it will not help them get what they really want in their lives, i.e., friendships, respect, job stability, etc.

Everyday application: You will find many opportunities during the day to use the BeCool process. For instance, when there is a conflict, you might ask, "Is that a HOT, COLD or COOL response?" "What is a COOL response you could have to this situation?" In classroom discussions of a variety of topics (current events, literature, etc.), students can point out people who used these responses and the consequences.