BeCool: Give & Take Training Applies Assertion Theory to Negotiation Skills
Tools for Self-Esteem & Peer Respect
For ease of comprehension, we use the temperature analogy of "HOT/ COLD/COOL" to present Assertion Theory's Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive styles of responding to conflict. In other words, basically, we can react to conflict in three ways: We can be (1) Passive or COLD, (2) Aggressive or HOT, and (3) Assertive or COOL. Each response has its own style and produces its own set of outcomes.
The Passive/Cold Negotiator
I lose, you win
The COLD Negotiator is interested more in the relationship than in the deal and often will be unfair to himself or herself to avoid conflict.
It is the belief system of the COLD Negotiator that friendships cannot endure conflict and that when differences arise it is best to give in to the other side to preserve the relationship.
The COLD Negotiator gives too much in order to avoid trouble and keep the other person happy. Unfortunately, being unfair to one's self is just as wrong as being unfair to someone else and that's why it creates hurt feelings.
The COLD Negotiator:
- Is submissive
- Relates to the other side as a friend
- Is more interested in avoiding trouble than obtaining what's fair
- Is susceptible to emotional blackmail
- Makes too many concessions
- Wants to satisfy the other person to avoid conflict
- Let others determine what's fair
- Takes things personally; vulnerable to emotional blackmail
- Is gullible
The unfairness of the final agreement undermines long-term relationships. Passive reactions often have the serious drawback of encouraging exploitation. Passive responses also may result in feelings of frustration, anger, helplessness, and sadness, as well as contribute to reduced self-esteem.
The Aggressive/Hot Negotiator
I win, you lose
The HOT Negotiator is interested more in the deal than in the relationship and often will be unfair to the other person to "get the best deal.
It is the belief of the HOT Negotiator that "business is business" and that means doing whatever it takes to get as much as you can from the other side, regardless of the effect it may have on the relationship. Many people associate the HOT or Hard Negotiation style with being "shrewd" or "savvy." However, because it is usually destructive to a long-term relationship, it is not an effective style to use with anyone with whom you expect future affiliation or cooperation.
The HOT Negotiator takes too much. He doesn't care what's fair or who gets hurt, he's only interested in obtaining the best deal for himself, even if it means lying and cheating.
The HOT Negotiator:
- Is aggressive
- Sees other side as adversary.
- Wants only what's best for self
- Decides issues on self-interest alone
- Is demanding: "My way or the highway"
- Will use manipulation, emotional blackmail, and dirty tricks, if necessary
- Determines what's fair
- Exaggerates, lies
The unfairness of the final agreement undermines long-term relationships.
Aggressive responses typically result in long-term negative consequences to the HOT negotiator, including the resentment and rejection of those who deal with him.
The Assertive/Cool Negotiator
Give and take, we win!
The COOL Negotiator is interested in working out an agreement that is fair to both sides and results in mutual gain whenever possible.
It is the belief system of the COOL Negotiator that negotiation should result in reaching an agreement that is as fair as possible to both sides, i.e. Give & Take Negotiation. He doesn't want to be cheated because he would lose self-respect (which causes angry feelings), nor does he want to cheat because that hurts the relationship in the long run. He knows that good long-term relationships depend upon agreements that consider the needs of both sides and are fair.
The COOL Negotiator Gives & Takes. He cares about what's fair to the other person as well as himself.
The COOL Negotiator:
- Is assertive, respectful
- Sees other side as a partner
- Decides issues on the ethics of "fairness"
- Works for mutual satisfaction
- Uses objective criteria to determine fairness
- Reasons/analyzes problems
- Doesn't become personal, focuses on the problem
- Is honest
- Tries to understand other side
- Works for fairness on the final agreement, which improves the prospects of a long-term relationship
- Uses the Be Cool Negotiation Plan