Objectives
Students will:
- Define self-disclosing.
- Understand why self-disclosing can help turn an acquaintance into a friend
- Identify negative consequences of not self-disclosing
- Identify personal benefits of self-disclosing.
- Identify behaviors that accompany not self-disclosing.
- Identify behaviors that accompany self-disclosing.
- Understand the difference between self-disclosing and dumping
- Model successfully self-disclosing.
- Develop strategies for successfully self-disclosing with friends and acquaintances
Step 1: Lesson Introduction
Last time, we found out why itâs important to keep an agreement if you want an acquaintance to be your friend. We learned that if donât keep an agreement, you probably wonât become friends with this person. There are other ways to keep an acquaintance from becoming a friend. One way is by not self-disclosing.
- Ask students what they think self-disclosing means.
- Explain that self-disclosing means expressing our feelings to someone. Make the point that this isnât something we do with just anyone. Itâs a way of being intimate with someone, so we generally do it only with friends or acquaintances we believe we can trust with our feelings.
- Ask students to discuss people theyâve known who never opened up or expressed their feelings to them. How did that make them feel? Did it make them want to be the personâs friend? Did it make them think the person wanted to be friends with them?
- Tell students that in todayâs video, weâre going to see why not self-disclosing is a good way to prevent an acquaintance from becoming a friend.
âśď¸ Show the video.
â¸ď¸ Stop the video when the âPause for Discussionâ title appears on the screen.
Step 2: Guided Discussion, Part 1
What did Leah do that was NotSmart?
She encouraged Helen to tell her what was going on in her life. But when Helen expressed her feelings about the experiences she was having, Leah acted uncomfortable. Worse, when Helen tried to draw Leah into the conversation, Leah shared none of her own feelings. That is, she refused to self-disclose. She just kept changing the subject.
- Flat, indifferent tone of voice
- Short, uninformative responses
- Shifting eyes
- Inexpressive face
What happened because Leah was NotSmart?
- She made Helen feel awkward, confused, and uncomfortable. Leah tried to pretend she was interested in Helenâs life. But her lack of response to everything Helen was trying to share showed that she wasnât really interested. Or maybe she only wanted to hear about subjects (for instance, Helenâs car) that didnât involve any feelings.
- Because Leah was unwilling to fully participate in the conversation - by self-disclosing - the conversation died. Helen feels rebuffed and shut out by Leah. She feels really alone and wonders if she is the only person who has ever experienced such feelings.
- More than that, Helen now realizes that Leah may be OK as an acquaintance, but as a friend, she would be extremely limited â sheâs obviously uncomfortable sharing her own feelings or responding to the feelings of others. Helen will be looking elsewhere for friends who are willing to respond to her feelings by sharing their own.
How could Leah have been PeopleSmart?
Have students discuss how Leah could have been PeopleSmart in the same situation. Then tell students to watch the next part of the video to see one way Leah could have been PeopleSmart.
âśď¸ Start the video again.
â¸ď¸ Stop the video when the âPause for Discussionâ title appears on the screen.
Step 3: Guided Discussion, Part 2
How was Leah PeopleSmart this time?
She really listened and responded to Helenâs feelings.
- Concerned facial expression and tone of voice
- Leaning forward
- Sympathetic eyes; good eye contact
More importantly, sheâs more than just a sympathetic listener. She contributes to the conversation and keeps it on a deep, intimate level by sharing her own experiences and expressing her own feelings.
What happened because Leah was PeopleSmart?
- Helen really perks up. She realizes that Leah has experiences and feelings, fears and problems that are similar to her own. She doesnât feel so desperately alone and overwhelmed anymore.
- The girls have bonded on a deep level by sharing their feelings. As a result, they decide to meet again. They are well on the way to becoming not only good friends but maybe even best friends!
What can we learn from this?
- Sharing feelings can be one of the most rewarding things friends do together. Sometimes a friend just wants someone who will listen. But generally, they want us not only to listen but to self-disclose by expressing our own feelings. This lets them know theyâre not alone in what theyâre feeling. It also lets them know that weâre comfortable being with them on a deep, intimate level. This is a wonderful gift we give a friend. It lets that person know that theyâre free to go anywhere with us emotionally, and itâll be OK; weâll be right there with them, and we wonât reject or abandon them.
- A âfair-weather friendâ or acquaintance just wants to keep things on a safe, shallow level where no emotions or feelings exist. Sometimes this is OK; it can be too intense dealing with our feelings all the time. But when we want to go to that level, itâs terrific to know we have a friend who will accept us on that level. When we self-disclose, we show friends that we accept them on that level too.
- When we respond to a friend or acquaintance who is sharing feelings, there is a fine line between self-disclosing and dumping.
- When we self-disclose, our attention is on a mutual exchange of feelings; we self-disclose to validate our friend or acquaintance by joining them in the expression of feelings.
- But when we simply dump our feelings, our attention is on ourselves. Dumping shuts off the other person and basically says that weâre not interested in listening to them; we want them to listen to us. Dumping says that we think our feelings are more important than our feelings.
- So when you self-disclose, make sure you keep returning your attention to the feelings of the other person. No one wants a friend or acquaintance who cares only about their own feelings.
- Self-disclosing isnât just for girls or women; itâs a guy thing too. Even tough, macho guys need close friends with whom they can share their fears, doubts, problems, and deep feelings.
Step 4: Activities
Have students create wall charts listing verbal and nonverbal behaviors that accompany
- not self-disclosing and
- self-disclosing
Have students roleplay each of these behaviors.
Have students roleplay the NotSmart and PeopleSmart vignettes from the video. After each roleplay, have students discuss how they feel.
Remind students of the earlier discussion of people theyâve known who never opened up or expressed their feelings with them. Have students roleplay these situations. Have students repeat the role plays, this time with the other person self-disclosing.
Have students pair off with someone they like and trust. Have them practice sharing their feelings about something important in their lives with their partner. Instruct the partners to respond by self-disclosing. Afterward, have students share their experiences with the class.
Have students form small groups and create and perform rap songs about sharing feelings. Award prizes for each songâs performance.
Have students:
- Keep a journal of instances in which they self-disclose with a friend or acquaintance.
- Report their experiences to the class. Have the class assist them in learning from their experiences and developing strategies for successfully self-disclosing with their friends and acquaintances.
Have students discuss TV or movie scenes where a character either failed to self-disclose or dumped their feelings. Have students roleplay these situations. Then have students roleplay TV or movie scenes where a character self-disclosed.
Have students identify the negative consequences of not self-disclosing and the personal benefits of self-disclosing. Then have them create separate wall charts listing these consequences.